Hi Mark, welcome to the forum. Writing a film script is different from writing a short story. And while similar to a play in some ways, the focus is more on visuals and action than dialogue. And unfortunately, spelling and grammar are also important. A script is a blueprint for the film though can be changed during the production process. As a tool, it serves to plan budget, schedules, props, locations, lighting, etc. While a script you plan to film yourself can be less than perfect, if you pursue your passion, you will need to master certain skills.
One, dialogue should be succinct and less "on the nose" (telling exactly what we're seeing or what the characters are thinking). While your characters may have bad grammar, do try to use proper spelling when not emphasizing an accent. The script is used (and judged) by many people--director, actors, producers and other crew.
If you want to improve, read books on writing screenplays, read published screenplays, take writing workshops. I also urge new writers to work on actual film sets and take acting lessons. In the writing process, you're acting inside your head each of your characters. On set, you get a strong sense of how directors, actors and crew work with scripts.
Now for your script. Too much dialogue and not enough action. The first couple pages didn't capture my attention. Think about it as a TV episode. How long do you watch something to see if you're going to like it? You need to keep that in mind. Next you need to develop your characters. New writers like to rush into the action without giving any sense of the characters. Take some time to let the audience get interested in them.
One way I evaluate a script is to see if I can make sense of a scene with the dialogue removed (kind of like muting the TV). Here's your first three pages:
Code:
Three kids, CASEY,STEVE, and DANTE are sitting on sofas
watching T.V. and eating snacks.
Casey motions for Steve to give him his drink.
a pause of silence.
Dante is interrupted.
Dante whips out his cell phone and starts dailing.
Casey grabs the phone and can see Albert’s name and number
scrolled across the top.
Dante snatches the phone back.
Nothing in that suggests that the three are hatching a plot to break into the school. Worse, it does nothing to describe the characters. I read "three kids" and thought grade school. Later I learn they're high school seniors and Casey is black. These are descriptions that need to go up there when we first meet them. Let's talk dialogue.
Everyday dialogue is highly repetitive. Social scientists have measured that 70-80% of conversation simply repeats itself. Real dialogue drags on the screen. So it needs to be more focused. As an example from your script:
Code:
DANTE
No no don’t worry like I said I
have a plan.
CASEY
OK let’s hear it.
DANTE
Ok well first we’re gonna need to
disguise ourselves.
CASEY
Right I’m listening.
DANTE
So we’re gonna need some face
paint. Steve do you still have some
left over from Halloween?
STEVE
Yeah in my room.
CASEY
Why are helping him?
DANTE
Next we’ll need some costumes, we
can just use our gym clothes from
CASEY
Oh yeah wearing the school’s p.e.
uniforms they’ll never know its us.
DANTE
Steve you can keep while Casey and
I break..
Of course we're going to hear the plan. That doesn't need to be said. We're all wondering, like Casey, why they want to help him. Do we need to know where the face paint is? While it seems relevant, it really isn't. Your viewers are live people and will be asking these questions themselves. Your job is to allow them the benefit of figuring some things out for themselves. Comedy/Humor is difficult to write. Where many fail is that they put too much emphasis into explaining the set-up. This could be shortened up to:
Code:
Dante gives a sly smile to his friends.
DANTE
I got this covered. Like I said I have
a plan. All we need are our gym
clothes and Steve's face paint.
STEVE
From Halloween?
Casey shoots him a questioning glare.
CASEY
Wearing the school uniforms with zombie
makeup. Yeah, they’ll never know it's us.
Without a care, Dante turns to Steve.
DANTE
You can keep watch while ...
Ten lines of dialogue down to four. Same content but less redundancy. Now, to make sense, you need to give proper introductions.
Code:
Three high school seniors sit on a sofa watching TV, a
pizza between them.
CASEY (17), a nerdy looking Black kid
STEVE (17), a nice looking Asian kid, and
DANTE (17), an Italian jock with feet kicked up.
Now as to content. Most grades are kept on computer systems now, so breaking into the school would be stupid and pointless. You need to give a context. Rather than start with the plan, start with the conflict. The plan for action has to be reasonable in context. Why would they want to break in if they can't hack into the system? You need to make the audience believe that the three would actually be friends. And that they would even consider something like this. I think your character Steve put it best, "Yeah, not to be a dick but that’s kinda stupid." If you want two A students to hang with an F student, there has to be a motivation. For the two A students to contemplate committing a crime to help a lazy student, you need to provide some motivation. You need believable characters. One thing you really need to do is develop separate voices for the characters. Right now they all sound the same.
Code:
Casey motions for Steve to give him his drink.
STEVE
OH
CASEY
Thank you. So how’d you guys do on
Ms. Johnson’s final?
STEVE
I aced it.
CASEY
Yeah like a 92 or something.
DANTE
I fucking bombed that shit.
CASEY
Are you serious? we’re seniors this
is pretty much for us.
DANTE
Now before you get all in my ass
about it I have a plan.
CASEY
Oh a Dante plan this should be smart.
DANTE
We break into the school and change
my grade!
a pause of silence.
CASEY
Like I knew you were dumb but now
i’m thinking you might developmental
issues. Were you ever dropped?
STEVE
Yeah not to be a dick but that’s
kinda stupid.
Sometimes that means going back to the original premise. Changing a grade is unrealistic in this age of computers. As such, I'm not sure why Albert simply can't hack in. Or why Dante needs the other two. Second, pinning it on the "dumb" guy is way too overused and provides no motivation for the "smart" kids. I don't like Dante and have no interest in his succeeding. At the moment, it feels too contrived and absurd which makes it uninteresting and not funny. How can you kill two birds with one stone?
Code:
Casey motions and Steve hands him his drink.
CASEY
So how’d you guys do on Ms. Johnson’s
final? I scored a smooth 92.
STEVE
I aced it.
They look over at Dante who grabs a piece of pizza. Silence.
They shake their heads.
DANTE
It's Mrs. Robert's essay on the fucking
"Wuthering Heights" that'll kill me.
CASEY
Speaking of which-
Casey rises and goes to his backpack. He opens it and looks
about. His search becomes more frantic and his face drains.
CASEY
Fuck no! I can't believe this. I'm gonna
be expelled.
He collapses into a wilted heap.
STEVE
What the hell you goin' on about, bro?
Casey shoots Steve a glance. Steve's face goes white. Dante
glances back and forth between them.
DANTE
One of you wanna clue me in?
CASEY
I, well, I was checking the internet and
ran across a picture of Mrs. Roberts on
a porn site.
DANTE
That's hot! I gotta see this.
STEVE
(overly eager)
It was hot.
Stops himself and glances back at Casey collapsed on the floor.
CASEY
I kinda crammed it into my essay
folder and forgot to take it out. When
she reads it ...
Dante bursts into laughter. Steve elbows him and he calms a bit.
DANTE
It's a long weekend. I saw her leave
a stack on her desk to grade later. I
have a plan.
CASEY
Oh, a Dante plan, this should be smart!
DANTE
Fine. Valedictorian arrested and gets
jail time for stalking teacher.
STEVE
Don't be a dick, Dante. Damn.
Silence then both look over at Dante.
Who can they go to remove the incriminating photo? It necessitates action of a dangerous kind. When all those segments are combined, you get:
Code:
Three high school seniors sit on a sofa watching TV, a
pizza between them.
CASEY (17), a nerdy looking Black kid
STEVE (17), a nice looking Asian kid, and
DANTE (17), an Italian jock with feet kicked up.
Casey motions and Steve hands him his drink.
CASEY
So how’d you guys do on Ms. Johnson’s
final? I scored a smooth 92.
STEVE
I aced it.
They look over at Dante who grabs a piece of pizza. Silence.
They shake their heads.
DANTE
It's Mrs. Robert's essay on the fucking
"Wuthering Heights" that'll kill me.
CASEY
Speaking of which-
Casey rises and goes to his backpack. He opens it and looks
about. His search becomes more frantic and his face drains.
CASEY
Hell no! I can't believe this. I'm gonna
be expelled.
He collapses into a wilted heap.
STEVE
What the fuck you goin' on about, bro?
Casey shoots Steve a glance. Steve's face goes white. Dante
glances back and forth between them.
DANTE
One of you wanna clue me in?
CASEY
I, well, I was checking the internet and
ran across a picture of Mrs. Roberts on
a porn site.
DANTE
That's hot! I gotta see this.
STEVE
(overly eager)
It was hot.
Stops himself and glances back at Casey collapsed on the floor.
CASEY
I kinda crammed it into my essay
folder and forgot to take it out. When
she reads it ...
Dante bursts into laughter. Steve elbows him and he calms a bit.
DANTE
It's a long weekend. I saw her leave
a stack on her desk to grade later. I
have a plan.
CASEY
Oh, a Dante plan, this should be smart!
DANTE
Fine. Valedictorian arrested and gets
jail time for stalking teacher.
STEVE
Don't be a dick, Dante. Damn.
Silence then both look over at Dante.
Dante gives a sly smile to his friends.
DANTE
I got this covered. Like I said I have
a plan. All we need are our gym
clothes and Steve's face paint.
STEVE
From Halloween?
Casey shoots him a questioning glare.
CASEY
Wearing the school uniforms with zombie
makeup. Yeah, they’ll never know it's us.
Stalking, breaking and entering, I'm
doomed.
Without a care, Dante turns to Steve.
DANTE
You can keep watch while ...
Now the stakes compel action. The action and description lines convey information about the scene. The dialogue is more about driving the story and less chatty. And if the dialogue is removed we have:
Code:
Three high school seniors sit on a sofa watching TV, a
pizza between them.
CASEY (17), a nerdy looking Black kid
STEVE (17), a nice looking Asian kid, and
DANTE (17), an Italian jock with feet kicked up.
Casey motions and Steve hands him his drink.
They look over at Dante who grabs a piece of pizza. Silence.
They shake their heads.
Casey rises and goes to his backpack. He opens it and looks
about. His search becomes more frantic and his face drains.
He collapses into a wilted heap.
Casey shoots Steve a glance. Steve's face goes white. Dante
glances back and forth between them.
Stops himself and glances back at Casey collapsed on the floor.
Dante bursts into laughter. Steve elbows him and he calms a bit.
Silence then both look over at Dante.
Dante gives a sly smile to his friends.
Casey shoots him a questioning glare.
Without a care, Dante turns to Steve.
I didn't find your script believable. It lost my attention largely because your characters felt unbelievable, the situation felt forced and unnatural. You just dropped everyone into a blender. That's not how it works. You need to develop story. Learn a bit about the "3 Act Structure". Many people like Blake Snyder's "Save the Cat" as a good basic intro. Also focus on developing your characters. It's through your characters that you sell your story and involve the audience. The more we like and believe the characters, the wilder more outrageous your plot can be. That's a key element of comedy. I think you need to take this information and think about how you can approach your next version of your script. Good luck.