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Feedback on short. Please.

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It's an interesting concept that I'd really like to see you execute well. The script is okay, but I do have a few gripes...

There are several spelling errors, for example, the very first line, you've added and extra "s" to the end of size. You need to proof read through this, as there are several other errors.

When you introduce a character in a screeplay, write the name in capitals. Only the first time it is written though! When you introduce the character, it's okay to use there full name if it may be heard elsewhere, and then only use their first or second name thereafter, but you need to be consistant. You refer to Sam Simpson as "Simpson" on the first couple of pages and then start calling him "Sam" a little later. Choose one or the other.

I don't get the ending. Who does the house belong to? Not Sam? It seems a little irrelevant.

One thing also to think about it that most serial killers have an MO. You state that the collection of shoes are mostly womens, but the only people we see him kill are men. Typically, a real serial killer would probably kill either men or women, not both. Not really important, just something to think about.

All in all, this is a good start and with a little tweaking could be a really good script. Best of luck!
 
Last edited:
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Thanks for your feedback.

I agree with the spelling and name. I rush sometimes. Gotta make sure to edit it.

Great point on the mo. The thing us I don't have, know alot of actresses so thatxwas my choice behind it. Should clear it up within script.

Also, the house was just a random persons. Stating he set the journalist up beyond repair I guess.
I don't know if it works though.
 
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I really liked it. I'm not sure that David as a seasoned journalist who has been tracking the shoebox killer would let his guard down once he learned this guy was confessing. David comes across as very naive. However, I think your story could be more powerful by approaching it realistically. How would a normal person react learning that the person sitting across from them has killed more than ten people violently.

Some of the dialogue sounded stilted.

Code: 
                       SAM
    Heavens no. You will print this story and we will 
    see what happens.

                       DAVID
           (Nodding)
    Well, is their anything you’d like to discuss for 
    the article?

The guy just confessed? David should be shaking in his boots thinking of how he's going to get out alive. I would pursue David trying to find every way to escape before finally succumbing. I mean, would you really turn your back on this guy?

Spelling and grammar are important. So you'll need to clean this up. The story idea is solid.
 
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