Hi guys,
I've started a few pages of a new script. The maximum time for the film competition I'm entering is 20 minutes... and I don't think I can keep it under that. But here is the story:
A few months ago, a student, Eileen, disappeared after viewing a confidential document of a teacher. It states that the teacher's brother was responsible for leading the Imperial Japanese Army to a college in Hong Kong, during World War II. The documents award the Hong Kong teacher for his contribution to his enemy. Basically, he is a double crosser. The student is then kidnapped and stored in a warehouse.
In the present, the main character, a girl, Cristina, goes against her principal and tries to find out what happened to her friend a month ago. The principal claims that her friend is at a hospital undergoing medical treatment, but she does not believe him. Another friend of the girl, Ashley, suggests she report to the police about the situation. The police refuses to investigate because of reasonable explanations from the school. The principal then subjects Cristina to expulsion.
In the warehouse, Eileen could be seen alive, but tied up. The teacher is stalling for time, because if all goes well and no one is suspicious, he can last until the date when he will be awarded half a billion US dollars, by a descendent of the Japanese general at that time. The teacher has two helpers, both students. The first one's face is revealed in the capture scene from the beginning. But otherwise, they wear sunglasses, masks, and hoods. One scene reveals the second student's identity. It is a girl, Ashley, the friend who suggested Cristina go seek the police for help. In this scene, Ashley could be seen with more humanity than the other student. She is slowly realizing her mistakes and regretting this. Trying to make up for her mistakes, she treats Eileen with more care.
Determined to find Eileen, Cristina investigates on her own. She find clues around the school at night, from when she last talked to her (during the capture, on the phone), until she reaches the warehouse, which is separated into a few parts. She does not see Eileen, but only one of the students who captured Eileen. She does not recognize him. She escapes and seeks her former principal.
When the former principal is urged to go to the scene with Cristina, there is no trace that they were there. The principal leaves but Cristina stays at the scene. She sees a bracelet that once belonged to Eileen, on the floor. It is half covered in blood.
Not far from the warehouse, the two students are passing through an unknown place. The boy says that the teacher left him a password to a safe where fifty thousand Hong Kong dollars are kept. He plans to share it with the girl. While walking, Ashley who is constantly behind the boy, attacks him and strangles him to death. With a lighter, she lights the envelope containing the password, and puts it on the boy's body, burning his corpse.
When she escapes through a doorway, she bumps into Cristina, who knows nothing of Ashley's identity. Ashley is determined to start over again, so she does not say anything about her participation in the fraud. Cristina does not know where Eileen is, but holds out her bracelet. She believes that Eileen is still alive somewhere and that one day, they will reunite again.
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Please give me some feedback on what I can do to improve my script. I really want the audience to feel for the main character, and that they will be fully engaged when watching it.
Thanks,
Jeremy
I've started a few pages of a new script. The maximum time for the film competition I'm entering is 20 minutes... and I don't think I can keep it under that. But here is the story:
A few months ago, a student, Eileen, disappeared after viewing a confidential document of a teacher. It states that the teacher's brother was responsible for leading the Imperial Japanese Army to a college in Hong Kong, during World War II. The documents award the Hong Kong teacher for his contribution to his enemy. Basically, he is a double crosser. The student is then kidnapped and stored in a warehouse.
In the present, the main character, a girl, Cristina, goes against her principal and tries to find out what happened to her friend a month ago. The principal claims that her friend is at a hospital undergoing medical treatment, but she does not believe him. Another friend of the girl, Ashley, suggests she report to the police about the situation. The police refuses to investigate because of reasonable explanations from the school. The principal then subjects Cristina to expulsion.
In the warehouse, Eileen could be seen alive, but tied up. The teacher is stalling for time, because if all goes well and no one is suspicious, he can last until the date when he will be awarded half a billion US dollars, by a descendent of the Japanese general at that time. The teacher has two helpers, both students. The first one's face is revealed in the capture scene from the beginning. But otherwise, they wear sunglasses, masks, and hoods. One scene reveals the second student's identity. It is a girl, Ashley, the friend who suggested Cristina go seek the police for help. In this scene, Ashley could be seen with more humanity than the other student. She is slowly realizing her mistakes and regretting this. Trying to make up for her mistakes, she treats Eileen with more care.
Determined to find Eileen, Cristina investigates on her own. She find clues around the school at night, from when she last talked to her (during the capture, on the phone), until she reaches the warehouse, which is separated into a few parts. She does not see Eileen, but only one of the students who captured Eileen. She does not recognize him. She escapes and seeks her former principal.
When the former principal is urged to go to the scene with Cristina, there is no trace that they were there. The principal leaves but Cristina stays at the scene. She sees a bracelet that once belonged to Eileen, on the floor. It is half covered in blood.
Not far from the warehouse, the two students are passing through an unknown place. The boy says that the teacher left him a password to a safe where fifty thousand Hong Kong dollars are kept. He plans to share it with the girl. While walking, Ashley who is constantly behind the boy, attacks him and strangles him to death. With a lighter, she lights the envelope containing the password, and puts it on the boy's body, burning his corpse.
When she escapes through a doorway, she bumps into Cristina, who knows nothing of Ashley's identity. Ashley is determined to start over again, so she does not say anything about her participation in the fraud. Cristina does not know where Eileen is, but holds out her bracelet. She believes that Eileen is still alive somewhere and that one day, they will reunite again.
---------------
Please give me some feedback on what I can do to improve my script. I really want the audience to feel for the main character, and that they will be fully engaged when watching it.
Thanks,
Jeremy
Last edited:
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