archived-videos Feedback on draft short film - Recollection

[Dion]

Recollection:

Scene 1: Flashback Car accident – night
(Two guys unconscious in a damaged car that had collided into a street light)

Therapist Narrating: You were in a car crash, your brother died, but you survived with severe fractions to your skull, resulting in your memory loss. Can you remember the accident David?

Scene 2: Therapist office
(David doesn’t respond as his starring at a letter opener knife on the table).

Therapist: David (David doesn’t respond, therapist grabs his arm) can you remember who you are?

David: No (shaking)

Therapist: Have you had any memories come back since. (Pause)

David: No

Therapist: I want to try an activity with you David; i need you to lie down. (David lies down). Now i want you close your eyes and just listen to my voice. Your name is David Renalds... you are 19 years old, your parents names are Joseph and Sarah Renalds... (His voice slowly drifts away).

Scene 3: Flashback
David has a flashback of him drowning a woman

Scene 4: Therapist office
(David jump’s up panicking).

Therapist: What was it David.

David: THE WOMAN!!!

Therapist: David Calm down, what woman?

David: I lied, I lied before

Therapist: David sit down, what do you mean.

David: I lied when you asked me if I’ve had any memories come back, i keep having this dream, this FUCKING DREAM!

Therapist: What dream?

David: I’m… drowning this woman

Therapist: Do you know who she is?

David: How the fuck would i know who it is, i can’t remember ANYTHING

Therapist: David calm down it’s alright; dreams like this are common after experiencing the trauma that you’ve endured. It’s likely to be your subconscious dealing with your unresolved emotions from your brother’s death.

David: No... Something’s wrong, someone is fucking with me… what if the crash wasn’t an accident; what if there was no crash. I see these people on the streets and their watching me, following me, why? Who am I? and what do they want with me?

Therapist: David you’re paranoid

David: No, I’m not crazy; you’re fucking in on it too, AREN’T YOU!!!

Therapist: David don’t be absurd, you’re ill, you need help

David: Are you really a therapist?

Therapist: what do you mean?

David: A therapist wouldn’t leave a knife on the table when his dealing with mentally ill patients, you’re a cop aren’t you, you want me to attack you to prove I’m a murderer.

Therapist: David it’s all in your head, your paranoid you hear what you want to hear and see what you want to see.

David: I’M NOT CRAZT AND I’M NOT A MURDERER!!! (chokes him) – Flashback of the drowning.

Therapist: WELL STOP ACTING LIKE ONE

David: You did this to me!

(David runs out of the therapist’s office) – Camera goes back to look at the desk with the knife missing.)

Scene 6: street
David leaves the building and begins to walk home. Soon after leaving the therapist’s David feels everyone’s eyes drawn to him, he also thinks someone is following him so he begins to run. As his running he remembers the therapist saying “your paranoid you hear what you want to hear and see what you want to see.” Although he ignores the voices. He disappears around a corner, to jump out and stab the person following him. David shaking in fear of his action’s he looks down at the body and see’s next to it a piece of paper and a pen. He picks the paper and pen up and remembers the therapist saying ““Your name is David Renalds... you are 19 years old, your parents names are Joseph and Sarah Renalds... you were inspired by your mother to act at an early age and now you are famous.” He drops to his knees shocked and has a flash back of the drowning once again, only this time there is a voice in the background that yells “CUT”.

The last feedback helped alot, hoping to gain further feedback to further enhance my script, also wondering which ending people liked more, thanks in advance to any comments

 

[Dreadylocks]

I think I see what you're trying to do here. Here's a few suggestions:

Unless he has short term memory loss as well as amnesia, why is his therapist telling him what happened? His doctor should be doing that (the one who wakes him up in the hospital after the 'accident'). A therapist also wouldn't ever talk to a patient the way (s)he did at the end there. But that's just nitpicking.

I think you should first off download the free screenwriting software called Celtx. Right now your script isn't formatted properly and it'll be easier to switch it over now while it's not 150 pages.

It seems to me that you are using a lot of dialogue to explain the plot.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subtext
For example, instead of having the character say that he's seeing people follow him, start out with him walking to the office and having us see the people following him, and also have us see that he's noticed (all that takes is a shot of him looking at something, then do the POV of what he sees, in this instance it's someone trying to surreptitiously follow him).
According to people who know a lot more than me, this is a common mistake in beginning writers. Always use the least amount of dialogue possible.

It's a nice concept, and like I said, I was picturing in my head what I think you were going for, and it could be good. Keep at it

 

[wheatgrinder]

Note to mod.. Pop this over to screenwriting please..



Dion,
You don't need to narrate what we can plainly see.. try this..

INT. WRECKED CAR

DAVID (20's) is groaning, Davids brother RYAN(20's) is plainly dead, 
his body is pierced with the pointy end of a street light.  

                    DAVID
(groans)  Ryan.. ?  Are you OK.. 

                    NARRATOR(VO)
Can you remember any thing else, from before the accident?

INT.  THERAPISTS OFFICE
David reclines on the couch.  DR.JONES (30's) an attractive 
blond woman, is seated in the high back leather chair. 

                   DR. JONES
David, I know your are struggling with your memory loss, 
but its normal after ..

                    DAVID
after What doctor?   After watching my brother die? 
Or after going to a funeral where I dot recognize anyone, 
not even the woman who says shes my mother.. 
           
                    DR.JONES
See David, we've already made progress.. you DO remember somethings
from before the accident...  
when did you first remember that Ryan was your brother?    

....

Oh, and using the F word so much doesn't do anything for the characterization of David, just make him seem like a moron, with a limited vocab. Try less dialog all together, exposition is your friend.

And DR.JONES should review here ethics books. She should NOT touch him, or accusing him of acting like a murder. Do some research on that topic. (unless of course shes not REALLY a DR, rather an alien queen about in impregnate David with the seeds of a new master race.. but I digress..