Feedback on a short script, involves creatures and a soldier.

[PhantomScreenwriter]

Firstly this is still a work in progress, a first draft. The short in its current form ends in a similar way to The Grey leaving the character's fate unknown.

Don't hold back with the feedback, good or bad I'd like to hear it. I have a thick skin so fire away

 

[maz]

It's not really much of a story yet, but then it's only a draft. The final sequence was confusing and difficult to read, as there is too much reliance on the word "he", when there are two male characters in the scene. I think the description in general is a little overdone and overprecise, but I guess if you're planning to film it yourself that's not a huge issue.

 

[PhantomScreenwriter]

Thanks for the feedback Maz, will take note for further revisions

 

[amp]

When writing a slugline you should write EXT. STREET - AFTERNOON instead of EXT. STREET. AFTERNOON. Very small detail but I would think it would annoy somebody.

Maybe you should just get to the point of what's happening as I mean in the action.

Those are just two points I have for you. There's no much story or plot but it's very short so what does? Keep writing and just stick at it, you're doing good if you keep up.

 

[dandavis]

Really good.

 

[PhantomScreenwriter]

Thanks amp, yeah I must have lapsed into australian screenplay format, which has a . instead of a - in between each segment of the slug-line. But thanks for pointing that out, small detail yes but that's where you can come undone if not corrected

I'm going to change the pace to a more action oriented one after the main character discovers the suicide letter and is discovered by the creatures. Thanks again for your feedback!

Thanks dandavis!

 

[amp]

It's no problem, practice does make perfect.