Feedback on a short sci-fi script?

[AnonWriter]

Third draft in progress.

 

[FantasySciFi]

I think there was too much gunplay description. I found myself sweeping through looking for when it ended to see where the story picked back up. The first page could have done more to develop their relationship, what happened before this. The ending felt predictable and a bit disappointing. It felt more like a segment from a movie than as a short. There was no solid story; it was more like a series of events. I wasn't really interested in the characters. They were rather stereotyped and thus felt very flat. The idea is not bad but would benefit from more development of a story and the characters. Good luck.

 

[AnonWriter]

Nothing positive? That makes me a sad panda. Anyway, you made some solid points. So, thanks.

more to develop their relationship, what happened before this

I agree. Some of it is already hinted at in the first and the last scene but it needs to be actually shown. It needs a new opening scene before the current opening scene.

The ending felt predictable and a bit disappointing.

Yeah, I was unsure of it myself. I came up with it quickly to replace a more out there science fictiony ending I had in the outline. I have since come up with a new ending that is IMHO way more awesome.

I think there was too much gunplay description.

For an action film? The description of the gunfights were too wordy or was there too much gunplay in general?

It felt more like a segment from a movie than as a short.

Yeah, it started off as just some practice action scenes. I discovered the actual story as I was writing it. Hopefully the next drafts will feature it more prominently (if this thing is worth salvaging).


How's the actual writing? (Formatting, language, amount of description etc.?)

 

[RyiGarry]

The opening was a little confusing to read - you may not want to call the spaceship an Mi-26, this being a type of helicopter. I was wondering how it could be flying outside the planet's atmosphere..!

I didn't get that the stand-off was in a vacuum until it was said later - that would help to be directly told to the reader. Also, would there really be a stand-off in that situation? If they are basically clones, "bred for war", why would they hesitate to shoot - especially if they were also wearing power armour?

Description of characters is good and short - tells us what we need to know and nothing more. As well as the objects - you can assume what they look like from their names (eg. "linear accelerator handgun").

The dialogue is way too direct - and there's not enough of it. They shouldn't say 'I was in prison', 'you left me there', 'they said they'd let me go', etc. What they are saying is what you are trying to communicate - but not what they should say.

Also I didn't particularly care about them - FantasySciFi is right, you need to be invested with characters to care what happens to them. Otherwise action scenes are just empty - what reason is there to root for Anna and Victor over the union soldiers? We've only heard 3 utterances from each of them.


Hope this helps!

 

[AnonWriter]

Thanks.

The opening was a little confusing to read - you may not want to call the spaceship an Mi-26, this being a type of helicopter. I was wondering how it could be flying outside the planet's atmosphere..!

It's supposed to be helicopter like so I used the naming convention of Russian helicopters. I didn't know 26 was taken. I'll change it to something else.

I didn't get that the stand-off was in a vacuum until it was said later - that would help to be directly told to the reader. Also, would there really be a stand-off in that situation? If they are basically clones, "bred for war", why would they hesitate to shoot - especially if they were also wearing power armour?

Will be addressed in the next draft.

The dialogue is way too direct - and there's not enough of it. They shouldn't say 'I was in prison', 'you left me there', 'they said they'd let me go', etc. What they are saying is what you are trying to communicate - but not what they should say.

Yeah.

Also I didn't particularly care about them - FantasySciFi is right, you need to be invested with characters to care what happens to them. Otherwise action scenes are just empty - what reason is there to root for Anna and Victor over the union soldiers? We've only heard 3 utterances from each of them.

True, needs some sort of a save the cat scene in the beginning plus more back story. I wrote the action scenes first and then tacked on some story elements to the first and the last scenes to justify them. I'll try to make the next draft more character based.

 

[RyiGarry]

Thanks.
It's supposed to be helicopter like so I used the naming convention of Russian helicopters. I didn't know 26 was taken. I'll change it to something else.

It's not too clear in that case what's happening - the description at the beginning makes it unclear where it is..? Which atmosphere is it flying in?

 

[AnonWriter]

Which atmosphere is it flying in?

No, it's in space. I meant that the design and purpose should be modeled after Russian Cold War era helicopters. Sort of like the dropship design in Aliens is inspired by Vietnam war era US helicopters.

 

[FantasySciFi]

Nothing positive? That makes me a sad panda. Anyway, you made some solid points. So, thanks.

You're a very visual writer. That is a good and bad. It means you picture the action as you write but it also means you include too much. I tend to be a visual writer also, so I am always going back and taking out details that don't need to be there in scripts I'm not going to shoot myself. It shows promise but will need to be polished.

I agree. Some of it is already hinted at in the first and the last scene but it needs to be actually shown. It needs a new opening scene before the current opening scene.

Agreed.

For an action film? The description of the gunfights were too wordy or was there too much gunplay in general?

You need to find a balance. It's too detailed.

A pair of Barracudas launch from the frigate and chase after
the fleeing spacecraft.

The Black Bear maneuvers skims the asteroids to evade the 
closing Barracudas. 

They pursuers open fire with their rail guns.

Some of the bullets pierce the skin of the spacecraft.

INT.  MI-26 - SPACE

Alarms go off inside the cockpit. The ship shakes violently.
Sparks and smoke fill the air.

EXT. SPACE

The ship races towards a hyperspace gate at the edge 
of the ring.

The lead Barracuda gets a missile lock and fires.

The black bear deploys flares and barrel rolls around the
space train.

The missile hits the train.  A flameless explosion sends 
train shrapnel everywhere, splitting it in two.

The Barracudas launch more missiles.

The Bear does evasive maneuvers and deploys countermeasures. 

The missiles leave near their target for an imminent impact.

Full after burners kick on,  outrunning the missiles to the gate.

The Black Bear crosses the event horizon of the hyperspace
gate.

The out of control front section of the space train
collides with the gate.

The gate disintegrates and the event horizon closes just
before the missiles have a change to cross it.

I removed some of the elements that were unnecessary. We don't need to know the motivations like "in vain". We see that and it's implied.

Yeah, it started off as just some practice action scenes. I discovered the actual story as I was writing it. Hopefully the next drafts will feature it more prominently (if this thing is worth salvaging).[/code] It's not bad. It just isn't a story in itself. It is just a visual piece of a larger story. All I can comment on with what I see which is a snapshot from a larger vision.

How's the actual writing? (Formatting, language, amount of description etc.?)

There are formating issues. Dialogue is often a challenge. In this case, I think you need more of it in the beginning to develop your characters. It just needs some additions and polishing. No sad panda.

 

[AnonWriter]

It's too detailed.

Yeah. I went a bit overboard with detail in those scenes. Thought I could get away with it since it's not really meant as a blueprint for a film but just a literary work.

I'm going to take the current draft down in a bit and post a new one later. If anyone else wants to comment on this one, now's your chance.

 

[AnonWriter]

I wrote like a 90 percent new short based on the scenes I was going to add to the previous version.

Please give feedback on this new version!

Link: down for a rewrite

 

[FantasySciFi]

I like it. It's much better. I really like how you developed the characters this time. My only issue is that the ending is unfulfilling and feels too abrupt. If you had a giant poster that symbolizes the government, I'd have her shoot it down. It's both symbolic and discharges some of that pent up emotion.

If I wanted to keep close to your original story, I might make a slight change to the ending. Victor fatally wounds the interrogator and rushes in to free Anna. He gives Anna a gun. He tells the interrogator that the government is falling. He's freed all the prisoners. The interrogator smiles and tells Victor that he's wrong. There is no prison, only the party and no one leaves the party. He mentions a fail safe device before dying. Anna and Victor race out. Anna rubs her neck which has a blue glowing dot. They get to the ship and zoom out as the prison explodes. Victor is piloting and content as Anna grimaces and rubs her neck. She fights as her hand begins to grip the gun and points it at Victor's head while he pilots unaware. He blithely confesses his love and how they will start a new life together. Her finger tightens on the trigger. Tears stream down her eyes. She fights to turn the barrel towards herself. Cut to black. A gunshot. Silence. A second shot. Or you could have one gunshot and leave it open who died. Either way would be a powerful resolution, albeit dark.

 

[AnonWriter]

Thanks! I'll rewrite the ending.

Your version is really cool, but I don't think it fits the Firefly-esque world / tone I was going for.

Anyone else?

Edit: Taking the current draft down for a rewrite.