Feedback on a script?

[Semiazas]

I'm looking for feedback on a script I started yesterday. It'll probably be finished soon.

https://docs.google.com/leaf?id=0BwXYcX_H8EXqMThhOGI1ZTItYmY1Yy00MGRlLThhZWMtMGUyMzQzNTMzNGQ5&hl=en

It's called 'Divine Intervention' although that's just a working title.
A concerns a man who encounters and angel learns of his own death.

Will give critique on anyone's scripts if they critique mine ;D

 

[leebarry]

I'd love to read it but I'm not able to view it as I don't have a google account. This is probably why you haven't had any feedback so far.

 

[rayw]

I do have both a google & docs account:

Sorry, the page (or document) you have requested is not available.

Please check the address and try again.​

You need to:
- place your cursor over the document in your folder,
- blue type "Actions" appears, click it
- a two inch pop up box appears, click "Share" then "Sharing settings..."
- a larger pop up box appears,
- under "Permissions" click "Change" on the "Private - Only the people listed below can access" line
- click on the share settings that allows:
"Anyone with the link
Anyone who has the link can access. No sign-in required."

 

[Semiazas]

https://docs.google.com/leaf?id=0B3CKreVyx7YvZWM3ZmY0YWMtNzEzZC00NzFhLWEzYzItZTZjNTk0NDc4ZmRh&hl=en

Edited the settings so it should hopefully work now
Cheers

 

[leebarry]

I would first ask you to visualise your idea in your head and then read what you've written. Do the two match up?
It takes place in a room. Describe the room. You really need to set the scene.
David Goodman? Who is this guy. Why are we interested? Why should we be concerned for him?
David needs to wake up with another issue - Maybe he was on his way somewhere important, like picking his daughter up from school. He needs to be more conflicted. Perhaps he is missing a possession - a button,,, anything!!

The first three lines:
Where am i?
How the hell did i get here?
Can anyone hear me?
These are questions the audience will be asking so these lines are redundant.
Eve has done this many times before, therefore she would be a lot smarter at dealing with this. Give her a sense of authority and a little wit.
I'd also reduce the number of times David utters the word dead.
Try and reduce the exposition and tell us more via the visuals(at the moment it feels like a play). You should always look for ways to cut dialogue, unless you're writing an episode of The West Wing.
I realise you have much more to write but throw a curve ball in there, right at the beginning so the audience suspect something else is going on. Of course you may have already done that and the whole thing is actually a set up.
Hope this helps.

 

[rlf1810]

Hi,

I second everything Lee said. There are also a number of formatting issues I feel the need to mention as well. I know it's early in the process but it's better to get in the habit of doing it right...

Don't start with a character list or description telling you where this will take place. Those instructions are for plays, not film.

Sounds that aren't organically produced by the actors themselves generally need to be capitalized. Example: A KNOCK ON THE DOOR is heard.

Character's names need only be capitalized the first time they are introduced in the screenplay.

Too much use of 'silence' as an instruction. Unless it is paramount to the story, leave this kind of thing up to the director and the actors. It's primarily a pacing concern most of the time. Again, unless you have a compelling reason to force it.

This is a bit nitpicky perhaps but you also don't need to use the character's name every time you reference them. 'He' or 'She' or 'They' should be used when it's clear, just to reduce redundancy and make it a bit more pleasing for the reader.

Hope this helps!

-Robert