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critique Feedback on a 6 pages fantastic short film about the afterlife

Hello everyone.
I am planning on shooting a short film this year and would love your input on my script. A comedic approach to the afterlife.

Logline: When a narcissistic businessman dies and meets God's personal secretary, he must decide on his reincarnation option but that will not be an easy task.
 

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mlesemann

Staff member
Moderator
I like it but I think it's missing a little bit to tie it together.

Is the idea that it was supposed to be Trump who is turned into the fly?

If so, then I suggest introducing near the beginning the idea that William showed up slightly earlier than expected, with perhaps a bit of confusion on Tamu's part because he gets William when he expects Trump.

Good luck!
 
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That is a really good idea! Thank you. And for the fly Tamu turned William into it by accident as he tried not to get killed by him as he is a violent person. So Trump being annoyed by the fly kills it. And yes Trump was supposed to appear sooner so you have a good point. I'll rework on that. Thanks a lot.
 
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