critique Feedback on a 6 pages fantastic short film about the afterlife

Hello everyone.
I am planning on shooting a short film this year and would love your input on my script. A comedic approach to the afterlife.

Logline: When a narcissistic businessman dies and meets God's personal secretary, he must decide on his reincarnation option but that will not be an easy task.
 

Attachments

mlesemann

Staff Member
Moderator
I like it but I think it's missing a little bit to tie it together.

Is the idea that it was supposed to be Trump who is turned into the fly?

If so, then I suggest introducing near the beginning the idea that William showed up slightly earlier than expected, with perhaps a bit of confusion on Tamu's part because he gets William when he expects Trump.

Good luck!
 
Last edited:
That is a really good idea! Thank you. And for the fly Tamu turned William into it by accident as he tried not to get killed by him as he is a violent person. So Trump being annoyed by the fly kills it. And yes Trump was supposed to appear sooner so you have a good point. I'll rework on that. Thanks a lot.
 
The action needs to be simpler, less blocks of text. The dialogue a bit more snappy, less drawn out. I'd remove Trump because it feels too out of left field. Similar vibes to the good place on nbc.
 
Hello everyone.
I am planning on shooting a short film this year and would love your input on my script. A comedic approach to the afterlife.

Logline: When a narcissistic businessman dies and meets God's personal secretary, he must decide on his reincarnation option but that will not be an easy task.
Why swearing on the first line. If you want a bigger audience, get rid of the swearing
 
Top