watch Feedback needed on one scene from my upcoming short film.

[BruceDowns]

Hi guys I’m hoping I can get some feedback on this one scene from my upcoming short film. In this scene Christine comes to her husband’s office to tell him that they are pregnant with their first child. This is the first rough cut so please be brutally honest. Thanks in advance.

During the scene when we shot the opening of the champagne bottle I told the actors that this was going to be a one take shot due to only having one bottle of champagne. David did a great job improvising as the champagne went everywhere. http://youtu.be/qFzd-VWHduA

 

[tokenwhiteboy]

popping back to the POV is distracting - especially since the eyeline doesn't match up and it adds nothing new to the scene...

some rim lighting around the male at the "are you serious" part would have popped him out from the black monitors behind him... something subtle

the bottle passing seems really fake and methodical... and no one wiped off the top... gross... lol

the framing of the shot where she is on the desk and he is in the chair is distracting... not sure what the intention of the shot is... could you cheat to raise him up a bit and loose that large background... or maybe have put something meaningful on the wall there?

i liked the close up cutaway to the envelope

i'll leave the sound to the experts... but those are just my first reactions.

 

[BruceDowns]

TokenWhiteBoy. Thanks for the feedback. I’m disappointed that the eyeline doesn’t match because we shot the scene with everyone in place. Does anyone else agree about the eyeline?

Concerning the “popping back to the POV” as being distracting. Any suggestions? We have a lot of footage covering both angles; her POV and from the employees in the office.

 

[tokenwhiteboy]

sorry... i may have mispoke... thought it was her eyes at it matches up from her tracking shot back to POV... with regards more to the turn of her head

i could have also manufactured that as an extra excuse as to why that cut back to POV threw me over all

 

[PhantomScreenwriter]

First I want to start with the things that I think could have improved the scene and then I will give you what I think worked well so you have balanced feedback.

Improvements:

I think that having the others in the workplace entering took away from the personal connection going on between the couple. If she closed the door as she entered two things could have come about:

1) The man's colleagues wonder what is going on in the office so they try to eavesdrop on the conversation out of curiosity (are they having an argument or discussing a separation?).

2) A more private and intimate conversation between the couple.

The actors playing the man's colleagues seemed uncomfortable (maybe not the word I'm looking for) especially when it came to drinking out of the champagne bottle. It was like they were wary to share the bottle.

Keep in mind that these are only suggestions

The Good:

The acting from the couple - I believed in the characters and they seemed like they really were together.

The woman conveyed excitement at announcing the pregnancy that felt genuine.

The couple kissing at the end was a nice touch to end the scene.

I hope you found this feedback helpful. Since this is just one scene maybe my suggestions aren't taking into consideration the context but as a stand alone scene I think it works with the couple but not the colleagues that come in.

 

[BruceDowns]

thank you PhantomScreenwriter!

Hi guys, I love the feedback I’m getting as I’m new to directing and filmmaking. This feedback will help me learn and improve and that’s what i need!

So here’s another scene in the film that I hope you will take the time to watch and give feedback. This is the last scene in the film, it’s when David is reunited with his family in heaven four years after accidently killing his wife the night she told him of their pregnancy in a DUI car crash when returning home from a celebration with his coworkers. His wife was in another car coming to pick him up from the bar since he had too much to drink.

A few challenges we had in this scene. The little girl just turned four and she was fascinated with the camera, so after four takes I used what I could. We timed the scene to use the sunlight. This bright sunlight is needed for the transition from the previous scene when David is killed in a fatal car crash scene as he is blinded by headlights of the oncoming vehicle. Also, two houses down the street someone started mowing the grass while we were filming. Again thanks for the help, Bruce
http://youtu.be/tp7-MZi9NzI