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critique Feedback needed for opening scene of my newest Screenplay.

I've wrote a couple practice screenplays and now I wanna turn this one into a feature length screenplay. I'm pretty happy as a writer with this first draft of the opening scene but I need feedback from people with more experience and knowledge than me. Don't be afraid to tell me if it's utterly awful or makes no sense, I need honest feedback even if it's harsh.

The main thing I wanna know is if this opening scene to the story is interesting and intriguing , or if it falls flat and is just boring and odd.

Keep in mind it is just the opening scene. I have ideas and a plan for where the story is going mapped out and I think it's gonna be pretty awesome, I just need opinions on this opening scene before I continue.

Thanks in advance for all those who have taken the time to read it and give me your feedback!
 

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I found it intriguing. And the best compliment I can give is that I want to read more. I'm super glad you didn't use parenthetical everywhere, that's a mistake I've seen a lot of new writers make. A small nitpick: Typically you don't put the extra space between a scene heading and the content. Are you planning to produce this yourself?
 
I found it intriguing. And the best compliment I can give is that I want to read more. I'm super glad you didn't use parenthetical everywhere, that's a mistake I've seen a lot of new writers make. A small nitpick: Typically you don't put the extra space between a scene heading and the content. Are you planning to produce this yourself?
I'm glad it was intriguing, I really wanted to grab attention with the opening scene, and get people curious about what's to come. I tend to be very picky about what I write, but this is one of the first things I had confidence in so it's good to hear from at least one person that the confidence is well founded. I have edits to make and alot of screenplay to go but it's always good to hear I'm not wasting my time writing utter garbage.

I'll change that scene heading mistake I didn't even notice. I'm also not very good at formatting yet so I'm glad I avoided some of the common mistakes inexperienced writers make.

I don't have plans to produce it at the moment, some of the things I have in store would have to be pretty high budget things and when I do my first film it's going to be short and on a shoestring budget. This is more for writing practice and help me to stick with writings because I'm bad for writing stories I'll never finish
 
I like it too.

You might consider making it a bit less clear right away. For example, you might hold off on specifying "death" rate, and start with just "rate" and make us curious. Same with erotic asphyxiation :)

I think you can trim the dialogues a bit. For example, you don't need "well for starters."

And maybe less round numbers? Instead of six thousand, maybe 5,932?

But yeah, I like it and would definitely be interested in seeing where it goes from here.
 
I like it too.

You might consider making it a bit less clear right away. For example, you might hold off on specifying "death" rate, and start with just "rate" and make us curious. Same with erotic asphyxiation :)

I think you can trim the dialogues a bit. For example, you don't need "well for starters."

And maybe less round numbers? Instead of six thousand, maybe 5,932?

But yeah, I like it and would definitely be interested in seeing where it goes from here.
Those are all interesting thoughts. I was very concerned about making what was happening clear and worrying that people wouldn't get it. Maybe your right and I need to make it a little more less clear at first just to keep the mystery. I really liked the Erotic asphyxiation line though because to a lot of people it just sounds like another statistic but to those who actually know what that is it gives them a little chuckle that he specifically wanted that in the agreement.

I definitely like your thoughts on making the numbers less even. I didn't even give that a thought until you said something.

Thank you for your feedback it's been helpful
 
Yep - it's an interesting start.

I'd go along with @mlesemann 's suggestion of avoiding the overt use of the word "death" straight off like that, but I think the erotic asphyxiation is a humerous touch. Perhaps you could develop the reading of the list a little bit to include other common forms of fatality (heart attack, road accident, alcohol intoxication, etc) and have Steve gloss over them somewhat dismissively before he comes to erotic asphyxiation and reacts more incredulously ? Make it look like it's some kind of quota arrangement on life insurance payouts or something?

One tiny detail: the use of the word "bump" twice to mean reduce. Is that a common usage in modern American English? Here in the Old World, something can be bumped up, but not down. A bump, by definition, is something above the usual surface level, the opposite of a dip.
 
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Yep - it's an interesting start.

I'd go along with @mlesemann 's suggestion of avoiding the overt use of the word "death" straight off like that, but I think the erotic asphyxiation is a humerous touch. Perhaps you could develop the reading of the list a little bit to include other common forms of fatality (heart attack, road accident, alcohol intoxication, etc) and have Steve gloss over them somewhat dismissively before he comes to erotic asphyxiation and reacts more incredulously ? Make it look like it's some kind of quota arrangement on life insurance payouts or something?

One tiny detail: the use of the word "bump" twice to mean reduce. Is that a common usage in modern American English? Here in the Old World, something can be bumped up, but not down. A bump, by definition, is something above the usual surface level, the opposite of a dip.
These are really really good notes. I really like your suggestion about writing the list out to contain a few more forms of death.

As for the word bump, I've always heard it used to describe movement either direction. I'll make sure and take a look at though because I'm certainly not good at grammar.
 
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