Feedback needed for my short script 'Gold Mine'

[amp]

This is my short screenplay 'Gold Mine' which I have just finished rewrites on it. The plot is about an Indian Gold Smuggler who dies in hospital while under surgery and the gold has been found in his stomach. Now five people - a young couple, two brothers and the Chief Surgeon - all want the gold for different reasons whether for good or greed.
I would love to know what you think of it and thank you for taking the time to read it.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B1E89_teazcUbEJtbVEzc2tsdDg/edit?usp=sharing

 

[amp]

I meant farce in the sense of a situation which starts off sort of sane and then spirals off into more and more ridiculousness. The lack of dialogue makes me think of silent movies where there's a lot of physical acting. If you want it to be fun then it sounds like it certainly could be!

A comment from me wouldn't be complete without reference to a TV show, so did you watch Inside Number 9 from the BBC earlier in the year? There were two episodes of that show that were very similar to the sort of thing you're proposing. One was a dialogue-free 'heist' (featuring Charlie Chaplin's granddaughter) that was very definitely the good sort of farce, while the other was an episode about a man dying and leaving something valuable, and those present squabbling over who should get it. I can't recommend that series highly enough - some of the most original TV I've seen in years.

The short film I'm making now contains very little dialogue and and is more action - people running around looking for a case full of money that oblivious people are misplacing and only two people are looking for it but they don't know each other is looking for it. It's almost done and my first time directing ever with a full cast and crew. I mean I never had any filmmaking experience except for reading articles and watching movies. It is meant to be fun and (I hope) it will be but I also want it to be cinematic and not just a point and shoot short film although I wasn't aloud to do a long take of the characters running around looking for the case while a blind man ignorantly holds it in his hands and takes it with him to a restaurant but I was told against this and instead had to put cuts in it which I felt got rid of the fluency and style of the shot and scene I was looking for. But I'm glad I'm working with the cast and crew I got - they really listen and try to get the shot that's in my head.
As for the television show you recommend. No I have never seen it.

 

[DeadChannel]

I think that it's a really interesting idea, but a script that needs a lot of work.

Beyond what's been brought up above, I'd like to point out that some of the dialogue is a little iffy.

Things like "the man's obviously a gold smuggler since he swallowed them whole" are awkward and unnecessary.

It feels like badly executed exposition, but it's not even actually relevant to the plot. Remember, show don't tell.

I think it does have a lot of potential, though. It is the sort of thing that I tend to enjoy.

So, keep working on it!

 

[amp]

Beyond what's been brought up above, I'd like to point out that some of the dialogue is a little iffy.

Things like "the man's obviously a gold smuggler since he swallowed them whole" are awkward and unnecessary.

It feels like badly executed exposition, but it's not even actually relevant to the plot. Remember, show don't tell.

I get what you're saying but it would say a lot of time by simply saying that one sentence instead of writing a few pages of visuals trying to get that point across but even if I do, someone's going to bring it up one way or another. Would you not say that? I mean if I were one of the characters I would have said it because it's what would come to mind if I heard a man ate gold and flew in with it.

 

[DeadChannel]

I get what you're saying but it would say a lot of time by simply saying that one sentence instead of writing a few pages of visuals trying to get that point across but even if I do, someone's going to bring it up one way or another. Would you not say that? I mean if I were one of the characters I would have said it because it's what would come to mind if I heard a man ate gold and flew in with it.

a) The point is that it's not even really a necessary to the story you're trying to tell. It's semantic.

b) several pages of visuals would be a far worse alternative. A character blatantly telling us something and the camera taking us out of the story and cutting somewhere are sort of the same thing.

c) If you can work it into the scene better, good on you. But as it it feels like badly executed blatant exposition.


Best of luck!

 

[amp]

a) The point is that it's not even really a necessary to the story you're trying to tell. It's semantic.

b) several pages of visuals would be a far worse alternative. A character blatantly telling us something and the camera taking us out of the story and cutting somewhere are sort of the same thing.

c) If you can work it into the scene better, good on you. But as it it feels like badly executed blatant exposition.


Best of luck!

Well I'll leave it alone for some time, come back to it, go over it and work on it again. My thoughts may change over time so I'll do that and work on something else for the time being.

 

[DeadChannel]

Well I'll leave it alone for some time, come back to it, go over it and work on it again. My thoughts may change over time so I'll do that and work on something else for the time being.

I find that's a good approach.