Feedback for my script, The Other Side

[candidiva]

Here's a script I recently wrote. I plan to make it into a short film hopefully.

Please be brutally honest.This is the third screenplay I have ever written and will be the first one where I get feedback. I want to know where my talents lie. It's a slow build up, please don't think its boring! But something big happens at the end.

It's about 11 pages long. Hope you guys like it, thx

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B-mUprZZV0QFcWtBMTBCRmMxN0E/view?usp=sharing

 

[maz]

Hmm... not bad but it could definitely be improved.

The boring stuff first: there are a number of typos and things which make it harder to read. Also, when you have a long action block, it makes sense to break it down into smaller paragraph subactions - again, if you're asking for feedback, this is just courtesy.

The dialogue is too obvious - most of the script is a flirtation, a seduction, and those scenarios are marked by how what isn't said is much more important than what is said. A furtive look, a risk taken in terms of what she'll find funny etc. Your flirtation scene is dialogue-heavy and more like a therapy session - subtext!

The main character is interesting in terms of his character at the start of the script - there aren't many characters like that portrayed sympathetically in films. But I'm confused as to the character beyond that - is he an opportunist psychopath who hangs around dorm parties hoping someone will find his naive teetotaller act intriguing so that he can get her to his killing tree and bump her off? His reaction after the event suggests this is the case, but I'm not entirely sure that works as a concept.

Isabella comes across as rather boring to me - she probably needs more subtlety if you want people to care about what happens to her in the end.

Good luck with it

 

[candidiva]

Hmm... not bad but it could definitely be improved.

The boring stuff first: there are a number of typos and things which make it harder to read. Also, when you have a long action block, it makes sense to break it down into smaller paragraph subactions - again, if you're asking for feedback, this is just courtesy.

The dialogue is too obvious - most of the script is a flirtation, a seduction, and those scenarios are marked by how what isn't said is much more important than what is said. A furtive look, a risk taken in terms of what she'll find funny etc. Your flirtation scene is dialogue-heavy and more like a therapy session - subtext!

The main character is interesting in terms of his character at the start of the script - there aren't many characters like that portrayed sympathetically in films. But I'm confused as to the character beyond that - is he an opportunist psychopath who hangs around dorm parties hoping someone will find his naive teetotaller act intriguing so that he can get her to his killing tree and bump her off? His reaction after the event suggests this is the case, but I'm not entirely sure that works as a concept.

Isabella comes across as rather boring to me - she probably needs more subtlety if you want people to care about what happens to her in the end.

Good luck with it

Thank you very much. I was suspecting that certain parts were too dialogue heavy, especially between Isabella and Carter.

If possible could you give me an example where it was difficult to read. Grammar is one of my WEAKEST points. And I know that is an issue I need to work on.

Carter is the nice character that I wanted to portray in the script, but he only becomes the way he is in the end because he's drunk. That's his "other side." He doesn't realize what he did. Yet again, thank you for the input.
I will make some changes to the script.

 

[maz]

Well, I just flicked back to the script and the first thing I saw was "She begins to laugh. But Carter still have a blank expression on." 'Have' should be 'has'. It's not a massive issue if you're planning to make the film yourself, but if you want other people to walk along the path of your story, it helps not to leave obstacles in their path

And then obviously there's that big chunk of action text around the tree.

There are a few issues if Carter is meant to actually be as nice as he seems. Firstly, why would he so readily abandon his principles? He holds them for good reason, and it goes against the grain of someone with that reputation to follow quite so blindly. Yeah, pretty girl etc etc... but there is not even hesitation. My suggestion would be for him to resist, and for Isabella to spike his drink - with the best of intentions. For me, if he's unaware that he's drunk, it makes the whole Jekyll and Hyde thing that much starker.

Secondly, his reaction afterwards - that easy dismissal of what happened, switching his visceral emotional reaction on and off at will. To me, that's a big flashing sign saying "PSYCHOPATH!" If that's not what you want, then you might want to change it.

That whole other side idea is a good one, by the way. I don't drink at all, but I have a friend who has only ever got drunk once, for the sole reason of finding out what sort of drunk he is. He was a friendly one, in the event, rather than a violent one

 

[Christopher.Gros]

Your characters like to laugh and giggle a lot.

 

[candidiva]

Well, I just flicked back to the script and the first thing I saw was "She begins to laugh. But Carter still have a blank expression on." 'Have' should be 'has'. It's not a massive issue if you're planning to make the film yourself, but if you want other people to walk along the path of your story, it helps not to leave obstacles in their path

And then obviously there's that big chunk of action text around the tree.

There are a few issues if Carter is meant to actually be as nice as he seems. Firstly, why would he so readily abandon his principles? He holds them for good reason, and it goes against the grain of someone with that reputation to follow quite so blindly. Yeah, pretty girl etc etc... but there is not even hesitation. My suggestion would be for him to resist, and for Isabella to spike his drink - with the best of intentions. For me, if he's unaware that he's drunk, it makes the whole Jekyll and Hyde thing that much starker.

Secondly, his reaction afterwards - that easy dismissal of what happened, switching his visceral emotional reaction on and off at will. To me, that's a big flashing sign saying "PSYCHOPATH!" If that's not what you want, then you might want to change it.

That whole other side idea is a good one, by the way. I don't drink at all, but I have a friend who has only ever got drunk once, for the sole reason of finding out what sort of drunk he is. He was a friendly one, in the event, rather than a violent one

Yet again thank you. Your input means alot. There are many things I didn't notice before. In this case less is more. And also add extra scenes, to make certain scenarios make sense.

 

[maz]

You're more than welcome. Wait till the real pros like FantasySciFi come along. That's when the real good advice will arrive

 

[iceferg]

I liked it. Obviously it's a short story and would only last 20 minutes or so but you should try to get a small cast together and direct it.

 

[iceferg]

I noticed one or two typos like drinked instead of drank but obviously that will be addressed by the time it is shot. I think you should do it and get your work out there.

 

[FantasySciFi]

It felt rather predictable. The action statements were too novelistic. They need to be tighter and split into shots. The dialogue seemed to wander a bit, repeating itself. It could be tighter. That's why you feel that drag in the beginning. The story itself isn't bad but was predictable. I'd have liked it to be changed up. It makes a simple short to shoot to gain experience. Good luck.