critique Feedback for my screenplay

[Let Malo Film]

Hi everyone, I hope you guys are doing well! I'm currently writing multiple short scripts hoping to have a story that I could direct one of them as my thesis film for school. I was hoping I could get some feedback from you guys. I don't think it's perfect and so would be happy to hear how it could be improved. The story can not be any longer than 10minutes.
Here is one that I finished writing.
Thanks so much

 

[sfoster]

Michael stands up from the chair. He looks at a framedpicture.
We see a little girl Sasha (10) and Michael.MICHAEL (CONT’D)I don’t know how I’m gonna tellher.

We hear the door open.We see Sasha [18] who enters. She is wearing mask. She takes it off.

I thought there was an 8 year time leap the first time I read this, you made no mention at all of the fact that Michael looks much younger in the photo - I had to read it twice.

To say "we see" or "we hear" is not a standard, I would instead suggest something like this.

Michael stands up from the chair. He looks at a framed picture of himself (30s) and a little girl Sasha (10)
MICHAEL (CONT’D) I don’t know how I’m gonna tell her.

The creak of a door opening breaks his concentration. Sasha [18] enters wearing mask.

Regarding the following text ...

BOSS (O.S.)Michael your numbers have beenquite low lately.
Michael is annoyed by his boss comment.

This reads more like a book, feeding information directly to the audience that Michael is annoyed.

For a movie script you want to be more existential - *HOW* does the actor signal to the audience that character Michael is annoyed?

Does he huff and squint his eyes? Does he mumble curse words while the microphone is muted?
Ideally you would describe the action/reaction that portrays michael is annoyed instead of telling us.

---------

I'm not sure what to make of some other stuff

She drops her bag pack and crosses to her room.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)Hi Sasha...
Michael looks at her going up the stairs.

This sounds like... her bedroom has a staircase inside of it? I've never seen that before in a house.

INT. SASHA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Sasha is lying back on her bed looking at her phone.
We hear a knock on the door.
SASHAYes?MICHAELHey, how are you?SASHAI’m fine.Beat.SASHA (CONT’D)What’s up?MICHAELYou know, your grandma has been illfor quite a while now.

Michael puts his hand on top of Sasha’s hand.

Again, this is very difficult for me to visualize.
Sasha is holding her phone, but at the same time, Michael is holding Sasha's hand.

It's a weird visualization

 

[mlesemann]

I agree with everything @sfoster said.

I'll add a few other things:

1. The opening description of a Zoom call should be more specific.
How many blocks with participants show up? Is it 3 or 4? 10 to 15?
Are they all men? A mixture of men and women? All older, younger, or mixed?
Doesn't have to be a detailed description but Zoom calls/meetings vary greatly.

2. When you add Michael's dad, I think you want to indicate that this is an INTERCUT between the
two locations. You should also give a very brief description of the living room.

3. "His dad speaks over the phone" - what does he say?
Or does his mouth move but we don't hear anything?

4. On p 3, "the prices are quite low" - what are the prices?

5. I'd be more specific than "my cousins just texted me" because I don't think that's what Sasha would say.
Consider something like:

Cousin Suzie texted me and wants to know if we'll be at Grandma's funeral next week.

6. Avoid things like "Sasha is perplexed by Michael's behavior."

As Sean mentioned, you need to indicate how she shows that she's perplexed.
Does she tilt her head to the side quizzically?
Or better, "What's going on?"

Hope this helps.

 

[Let Malo Film]

Thanks for all the comments! I'm going to update it and try to improve it as much as I can! Will send a new draft soon!

 

[sfoster]

Thanks for all the comments! I'm going to update it and try to improve it as much as I can! Will send a new draft soon!

Good luck!

I'd also add - keep your eye out for moments to make lows lower or highs higher
When the daughter finds out grandma dies, the first thing she does is ask a logistical question about the funeral, is logistics really the first thing on a young girls mind? Or would it be the pain of losing a loved one?

By trying to brute force the plot along, you're skipping past the meal

Even a rudamentary line "She looks pained." in the hands of a talented actress will bring emotion to your audience, at the end of the day stirring emotion is what narrative cinema is all about.