Feedback Appreciated

[joey1320]

I'm currently working on my first short script and I've been writing and rewriting a bunch lately. This is the first script I've attempted and I'm trying to learn as much as possible. Please let me know anything I can improve/change/practice.

This is the opening scene of a sci-fi'sh love story. I plan on shooting the short in November and depending on the outcome, maybe submit to some local film festivals.


Fade in:

Int. Apt. Bedroom - Morning

BLURRY SHOT PANNING ACROSS many electronic components laying on the floor inside of cardboard boxes. These components have been meticulously taken apart but most of them have yet to be put back together.

Cut to:

CLOSE UP:

A cellphone being taken apart on a desk by a set of cautious hands. The fingers work thoroughly on the small and fragile pieces.

Cut to:

Bedroom - cont.

The room is clean and organize. Efficient would be the perfect word to describe it. On the wall behind the desk we see a collection of posters; Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs and Tim Berners-Lee (inventor of the world wide web).

STEPHEN, 24, intelligent-if-not-nerdy looking, clean-cut and in good shape, is sitting at the desk, talking on his cellphone. While cradling the phone against his right shoulder, both of his hands tackle the chore of disassembling the other phone. On the desk, a calendar shows the date, November 17th, 2010.


STEPHEN

I told you, anyways, I think I'm finally ready. I'm positive she is the one.

(pauses for a response)

I know man, it's crazy but it just feels right.

(another pause)

Okay, are you coming this way? I'll be ready in a few. Beep the horn.

( another pause )

We can go to Robinsons, I know they have the ring she wants there. Bye.

Stephen ends the call and puts the phone down next to the one he has been working on. The old phone is almost completely taken apart but his fingers keep working.

fade to black:

 

[FantasySciFi]

I'm currently working on my first short script and I've been writing and rewriting a bunch lately. This is the first script I've attempted and I'm trying to learn as much as possible. Please let me know anything I can improve/change/practice.

This is the opening scene of a sci-fi'sh love story. I plan on shooting the short in November and depending on the outcome, maybe submit to some local film festivals.

Fade in:

Int. Apt. Bedroom - Morning

BLURRY SHOT PANNING ACROSS many electronic components laying on the floor inside of cardboard boxes. These components have been meticulously taken apart but most of them have yet to be put back together.

Cut to:
CLOSE UP:

A cellphone being taken apart on a desk by a set of cautious hands. The fingers work thoroughly on the small and fragile pieces.

Cut to:
Bedroom - cont.

The room is clean, organized. Efficient would be the perfect word to describe it. On the wall behind the desk we see a collection of posters; Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs and Tim Berners-Lee (inventor of the world wide web).

STEPHEN, 24, intelligent-if-not-nerdy looking, clean-cut and in good shape, is sitting at the desk, talking on his cellphone. While cradling the phone against his right shoulder, both of his hands tackle the chore of disassembling the other phone. On the desk, a calendar shows the date, November 17th, 2010.


STEPHEN
I told you, anyways, I think I'm finally ready. I'm positive she is the one.
(pauses for a response)
I know man, it's crazy but it just feels right.
(another pause)
Okay, are you coming this way? I'll be ready in a few. Beep the horn.
( another pause )
We can go to Robinsons, I know they have the ring she wants there. Bye.

Stephen ends the call and puts the phone down next to the one he has been working on. The old phone is almost completely taken apart but his fingers keep working.

fade to black:

Use proper formatting. This can be as easy as downloading CeltX free screenwriting software. Here is how that segment might look with some adjustments discussed below:

INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM - MORNING

BLURRY SHOT PANNING:  across many electronic components 
lie on the floor inside of cardboard boxes. Some components 
are apart while most have yet to be put back together.

CLOSE UP:  hands disassembling a cellphone at a desk. The 
fingers work with precision on the small and fragile pieces.

The room is clean and organized, efficient. On the wall behind 
the desk hangs posters of Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs and Tim 
Berners-Lee.  A desk calendar shows "November 17th, 2010."

STEPHEN (24), intelligent-if-not-nerdy looking, clean-cut and in 
good shape, sits at the desk and talks on his cellphone cradled 
against his right shoulder.  His hands disassemble the other 
phone. 

                               STEPHEN
              I told you, anyways, I think I'm finally 
              ready.  I'm positive she is the one. ... 
              I know man, it's crazy but it just feels 
              right. ... Okay, are you coming this 
              way? I'll be ready in a few.  Beep the 
              horn. ... We can go to Robinsons, I 
              know they have the ring she wants 
              there. Bye.

Stephen ends the call and puts the phone down next to the one 
on which he is working and almost completely taken apart yet
his fingers keep tinkering.

Since you're both director/writer, it's okay to have the camera directions. Fade in and Fade out are largely unnecessary. Really keep your descriptions tight and active. Slugline all caps. Don't put in information that a viewer won't see. In this case, that Tim Berners-Lee helped develop the web. Another helpful practice is to keep action and background description separate. You had a mention of the calendar date in an action line. I moved that back to the description of his desk area. Also remember grammar. Avoid the use of passive constructions. Also lie vs. lay is state vs. action. I lie on the bed. I lay a book on the bed. That's the biggest mistake writers make and it's a pet peeve of many readers!

I'm not suggesting this is the only way to write your passage or that others might not have better ways. You want the script to be clear as to action, description and dialogue. The reason for using the format is that it will help you get a better estimate of the length of the shoot. An industry formatted script is roughly one minute screen time per script page. So 10 pages is roughly 10 minutes. CeltX also has a lot of production tools built in for the filmmaker for scheduling, tracking props, creating call sheets, etc. Good luck with your shoot.

 

[joey1320]

Use proper formatting. This can be as easy as downloading CeltX free screenwriting software. Here is how that segment might look with some adjustments discussed below:

INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM - MORNING

BLURRY SHOT PANNING:  across many electronic components 
lie on the floor inside of cardboard boxes. Some components 
are apart while most have yet to be put back together.

CLOSE UP:  hands disassembling a cellphone at a desk. The 
fingers work with precision on the small and fragile pieces.

The room is clean and organized, efficient. On the wall behind 
the desk hangs posters of Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs and Tim 
Berners-Lee.  A desk calendar shows "November 17th, 2010."

STEPHEN (24), intelligent-if-not-nerdy looking, clean-cut and in 
good shape, sits at the desk and talks on his cellphone cradled 
against his right shoulder.  His hands disassemble the other 
phone. 

                               STEPHEN
              I told you, anyways, I think I'm finally 
              ready.  I'm positive she is the one. ... 
              I know man, it's crazy but it just feels 
              right. ... Okay, are you coming this 
              way? I'll be ready in a few.  Beep the 
              horn. ... We can go to Robinsons, I 
              know they have the ring she wants 
              there. Bye.

Stephen ends the call and puts the phone down next to the one 
on which he is working and almost completely taken apart yet
his fingers keep tinkering.

Since you're both director/writer, it's okay to have the camera directions. Fade in and Fade out are largely unnecessary. Really keep your descriptions tight and active. Slugline all caps. Don't put in information that a viewer won't see. In this case, that Tim Berners-Lee helped develop the web. Another helpful practice is to keep action and background description separate. You had a mention of the calendar date in an action line. I moved that back to the description of his desk area. Also remember grammar. Avoid the use of passive constructions. Also lie vs. lay is state vs. action. I lie on the bed. I lay a book on the bed. That's the biggest mistake writers make and it's a pet peeve of many readers!

I'm not suggesting this is the only way to write your passage or that others might not have better ways. You want the script to be clear as to action, description and dialogue. The reason for using the format is that it will help you get a better estimate of the length of the shoot. An industry formatted script is roughly one minute screen time per script page. So 10 pages is roughly 10 minutes. CeltX also has a lot of production tools built in for the filmmaker for scheduling, tracking props, creating call sheets, etc. Good luck with your shoot.

Thank you for the help. I did used Celtx, which I learned about here, unfortunately I didn't know how to properly link the format. I now see that you used the (code) input to do so, lesson learned.

Reading the way you redid the script, I have a better understanding of it. Make it clean, to the point and give the reader only what he needs to know I think I can do that lol.

I do apologize for my grammar issues. English is not my first language and it's sometimes difficult with all the words that sound the same, i.e. chair/share, there/they're and such. The only good thing is the fact that this will be for me, so even if I spelled it wrong, I will still know what the right idea was behind it.

I will post progress of the project as I go along, thanks again