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Fast Talker-short script

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Put it back up. There was nothing wrong with it considering it was typed up in under an hour. In fact, I thought some of the dialogue was decent. What are we supposed to expect from a free write?
 
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Script Formating

I like it. Some advice on formating your script. The hardest thing for me was when I was told to break action sequences up into visual segments. The paragraph which you wrote is dense and hard to read. Remember a showrunner or producer needs to see at a glance how scenes are set up. Below is your script paragraph. Can you tell at a glance how many action sequences there are?
Claude pulls out a silver revolver and points it at Ben. Abe
in turn pulls out a black Glock and points it at Claude.
What Abe doesn’t see is that the prostitute is nearer to his
legs than expected. When the moment is perfect she WHACKS
Abe’s legs from under him and Claude shoots Ben in the
chest. Prostitute continues to batter Abe with her legs and
gets shot in the thigh. Claude jumps on Abe and struggles to
get his hands on his gun. He butts his gun into Abe’s head,
knocking him out cold. Claude takes out his knife and cuts
Prostitute free, all but her hands and mouth. She is
battered and bloody and bruised. She stands staring at
Claude. He takes Abe’s gun and puts it in her hands, then
walks casually out of the room.
Click to expand...

Break it up. This is how themed segments fit together. This allows for quick visualization. And actually unpacking it makes it run truer to the 1 page = 1 minute rule.

Claude pulls out a silver revolver and points it at Ben.

Abe in turn pulls out a black Glock and points it at Claude. What Abe doesn’t see is that the prostitute is nearer to his legs than expected.

When the moment is perfect, she WHACKS Abe’s legs from under him.

Claude shoots Ben in the chest.

Prostitute continues to batter Abe with her legs and gets shot in the thigh {Who? Abe or the Prostitute?}.

Claude jumps on Abe and struggles to get his hands on his gun.

He butts his gun into Abe’s head, knocking him out cold.

Claude takes out his knife and cuts the Prostitute free, all but her hands and mouth. She is battered and bloody and bruised.

She stands staring at Claude.

He takes Abe’s gun and puts it in her hands, then walks casually out of the room.
Click to expand...

At first it seems like lots of wasted space. However, readers like the intelligent use of white space. In this case, you can visually see shot by shot what is happening in your action sequence.
 
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Definitely good advice on the formatting. Break up those chunks. Aim for no more than 2 lines of action, 3 tops. Not a hard fast rule, but it keeps the page from looking less like a novel and more like a screenplay.

It's all about what we SEE and what we HEAR.

The fact that you sat down and wrote this up in an hour is great, JR! It's definitely worth doing a 'save as' and ironing out some of the dialog, the banter, tightening things up some. There's a "killer" short waiting to be found here...

;)
 
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