The first thing I'd say is it's cut like a short or movie...not a trailer. It's way too long and cut like a narrative section of the movie...
Anyway...that aside.
The loud sounds going to silence can work in a transition, but your timing and...nuance are off. It's too jarring, and not in the right way. I also think that poor sound quality might be adding to the problem.
Which brings me to sound. The overall quality, tone and richness of the sound is low quality. It needs a ton of mixing and design. It also needs a lot more subtle folley work in there.
The story needs a lot of work...more finesse. See, I'm jumping into it like a movie review here...and it's just a trailer. Sorry, it reads like the start of the movie. Am I really watching a trailer here?
Another thing is the cleaning scene is too long. Cut it down. We get that he has to take care of some duties and clean up the store on his shift, but it's not adding the tension you want, and is just too long.
Back to sound: you're covering up a lot of the sound design with the music. In fact I think you're shutting off the ambient and recorded sound completely. I'd like to hear some of the actual sound and/or design folley...if you're going to cut this like a part of the actual movie, I'd like to see more design.
The looking down the stairs shot was awesome.
Some of the camera cant work was great, however, often it was overused...like when he goes upstairs and there is that long shot...it cants back and forth, and was a little distracting and ill-fitting. I see where you're going with that, but the shot didn't work for me. I think also if you're going to have a long shot like that...when it breaks off camera right to the bars, it's too messy and brings documentary into my mind...there is a fine line between voyeristic and documentary...choose one.
I think it's a pretty cool piece, and a nice practice session. I think a little more time needs to be put into pre-production, lighting design, sound design, story, and music. Start with a great script, score some decent equipment, and go to town.
