This story is adapted from a novella I wrote for the AHMM (Have had no word yet on its acceptence). The primary format of the story is alternating between the perspectives of the FBI Agents invesitgating a recent abduction by a serial killer, and that of the killer in the hours leading up to his arrest. This scene was not in the original novella, but referenced in the FBI briefing. At first I wanted to have them investigate the abduction site in addition to one of the previous muder sites of this killer, but I think this bogs down the flow of the story. So I thought I'd just show the abduction itself as an intro. After this scene, it cuts to a sub-intro featuring close-ups of the killer and his brother exchanging a very brief dialogue, and then opening credits. What do you think of this scene. I thought it'd be creepier and more suspensful if we mostly HEAR the action as opposed to see it, but I'm not sure. Critiques on any aspect of this scene are much appreciated.
Scene 1:
We are in a sororiety/frat house. Camera starts at the top of a staircase. We hear a voice.
SARAH:
You sure your gonna be okay by yourself?
AMY walks into frame carrying a book. Over the following dialogue, the camera follows AMY down the steps, at the bottom of the steps she stops to hug SARAH who enters from SL dressed to go out. AMY exits SL and camera follows SARAH out the door, across the lawn, and stops as she reaches her car. There is another car across the street, dark, and evidently empty.
AMY:
I'll be fine.
SARAH:
Okay. Make sure you lock everything, okay? You know what kind of a rough neighborhood this can be.
AMY:
I hear ya'.
SARAH:
You sure you don't wanna' come out with us. We're gonna' have a hell of a time.
AMY:
I get enough of you and your boyfriend making out around here, I don't need to see that when you've got some liquor in you. Besides, I've been looking foreward to a nice night like this to relax. Just curl up with some Rod Serling, and fall asleep on the couch like a bum.
SARAH:
Baby, I don't know how you can watch that stuff. You had a warped childhood.
AMY:
Heh, I know. (In a mocked girlishly flattered manner). Have fun ,Sarah.
SARAH:
You too, hun-bun.
SARAH gets into her car and drives away. The car across the street sudenly activates its overhead light revealing a dark figure in the driver's seat. JOHN steps out of the car and walks nervously to the house. The camera remains at its current position only letting us see the lights cast from the house's windows on the lawn. We hear as JOHN knocks on the door and Amy anwers. We hear the slight rattle of chains on a slide-chain lock.
AMY:
Hello?
JOHN:
Hi, um, sorry, but, my car seems to have broken down, I was wondering if I could come in and use your phone?
AMY:
What seems to be wrong with it?
JOHN:
What? Oh, the-- yeah-- um, heh, I don't know. I'm a nurse. I don't know a radiator from a carbonator.
AMY:
Carburetor. Um... listen, wait here I'll get the phone.
JOHN:
Uh, listen, is it alright if I come in? It's cold as balls out here. Plus, I really need to use the restroom.
AMY:
How about first you call your friends, or whoever you need to call, then I'll let you in to use the bathroom?
JOHN:
(Thrusting hard against the door) Please... let me in.
AMY:
(swallowing her pride) Sir... I... please get away... I have a gun.
JOHN:
Oh now, Amy, we both know that's not true.
We hear AMY repeating "Oh my god" under thuds and clamoring chains as JOHN throws himself against the door. AMY's state of panic in her speech slowly increases as the doorframe weakens. We hear the crash of wood as the door swings open. In shadows in the window lights we see AMY running through the house as JOHN chases her. She screams and pleads for help and we hear crashes and other sounds of desrtuction as JOHN ransacks the place. Eventually he catches her in a sleeperhold. We hear stifled whines as she loses conciousness. A single light is turned on in the house across the street just before the scene goes silent.
THOMAS (VO):
John...?
-#-
Scene 2:
Scene 1:
We are in a sororiety/frat house. Camera starts at the top of a staircase. We hear a voice.
SARAH:
You sure your gonna be okay by yourself?
AMY walks into frame carrying a book. Over the following dialogue, the camera follows AMY down the steps, at the bottom of the steps she stops to hug SARAH who enters from SL dressed to go out. AMY exits SL and camera follows SARAH out the door, across the lawn, and stops as she reaches her car. There is another car across the street, dark, and evidently empty.
AMY:
I'll be fine.
SARAH:
Okay. Make sure you lock everything, okay? You know what kind of a rough neighborhood this can be.
AMY:
I hear ya'.
SARAH:
You sure you don't wanna' come out with us. We're gonna' have a hell of a time.
AMY:
I get enough of you and your boyfriend making out around here, I don't need to see that when you've got some liquor in you. Besides, I've been looking foreward to a nice night like this to relax. Just curl up with some Rod Serling, and fall asleep on the couch like a bum.
SARAH:
Baby, I don't know how you can watch that stuff. You had a warped childhood.
AMY:
Heh, I know. (In a mocked girlishly flattered manner). Have fun ,Sarah.
SARAH:
You too, hun-bun.
SARAH gets into her car and drives away. The car across the street sudenly activates its overhead light revealing a dark figure in the driver's seat. JOHN steps out of the car and walks nervously to the house. The camera remains at its current position only letting us see the lights cast from the house's windows on the lawn. We hear as JOHN knocks on the door and Amy anwers. We hear the slight rattle of chains on a slide-chain lock.
AMY:
Hello?
JOHN:
Hi, um, sorry, but, my car seems to have broken down, I was wondering if I could come in and use your phone?
AMY:
What seems to be wrong with it?
JOHN:
What? Oh, the-- yeah-- um, heh, I don't know. I'm a nurse. I don't know a radiator from a carbonator.
AMY:
Carburetor. Um... listen, wait here I'll get the phone.
JOHN:
Uh, listen, is it alright if I come in? It's cold as balls out here. Plus, I really need to use the restroom.
AMY:
How about first you call your friends, or whoever you need to call, then I'll let you in to use the bathroom?
JOHN:
(Thrusting hard against the door) Please... let me in.
AMY:
(swallowing her pride) Sir... I... please get away... I have a gun.
JOHN:
Oh now, Amy, we both know that's not true.
We hear AMY repeating "Oh my god" under thuds and clamoring chains as JOHN throws himself against the door. AMY's state of panic in her speech slowly increases as the doorframe weakens. We hear the crash of wood as the door swings open. In shadows in the window lights we see AMY running through the house as JOHN chases her. She screams and pleads for help and we hear crashes and other sounds of desrtuction as JOHN ransacks the place. Eventually he catches her in a sleeperhold. We hear stifled whines as she loses conciousness. A single light is turned on in the house across the street just before the scene goes silent.
THOMAS (VO):
John...?
-#-
Scene 2:
