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Epidemic - Vomit Draft

dlevanchuk

dlevanchuk

Here is a quick story I wrote for 3 min short.


Its a vomit draft, of course.
Much more needs to be worked on, but is it anywhere remotely understandable whats going on exactly?

The whole "message" of the movie is people doing what they re told without questioning the authority.

I'll keep All the edits so later on I can see the progress from crappy script, to not so crappy.

EDIT:

REV1 @ post #6
 
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I'm still trying to learn to write myself, but I'll try to get across what I'm feeling from this...

Exposition-
I've heard the contamination will
be cleared within several months.
Click to expand...
I understand that you have to get information across in the dialogue, but maybe there's another way to get it across in a more expressive way.

Can't wait until we get outta here!
First thing first, I'm gonna make
large steak, instead of this
garbage they fed us all this time.
Click to expand...
This brings me to another point, it seems as though these people are somewhat acquainted. If so I feel like they would have progressed their conversations to something beyond the basics. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when you are stuck in a room with somebody and can't get out, and feel hopeless, you almost want to ignore the situation, like you're in denial, so you end up talking about trivial shit.

So I guess that's what I'm saying, maybe have the characters talking about more trivial shit.

Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong, just my own experience. You're off to a good start, I like the subject:)
 
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jrs: Thats an interesting point about trivial shit. My whole idea through the first part of dialog (John) to show they have been there for a while. Maybe I can replace that with a marked calendar some sort off, with Derek crossing over days they've been detained...

That way, the trivial dialog can be actually replaced with something more interesting..
 
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"...remember the Vaults were never actually intended to save anybody..."

Using people's fear of death to lock them in small boxes and impose social and psychological experiments on them is a favorite subject of mine, mostly thanks to Fallout, but still...

Very nice.
 
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I liked it. It does need development. but for a quick write-up it's good. What I think would be useful is to develop the sense of fear and urgency that the other characters feel.

One way to do this is to 'prime the audience'. For example in the very beginning have a beta man running wild and being taken down by the black-suits. The other betas observe and step back and watch dispassionately as he is dragged away screaming that it's all just an experiment. I would also hint about the camera in the beginning. Then just ignore it until the end. After Derek dies at the end, I would fade into another scene where, a new character is being welcomed to the Alpha Unit, suggesting continuity. And focus in the final shot on the camera's red blinking light as the new recruit glances up at it.

So, raise the flag, create a sense of lull, re-raise the issue, bring it to a crisis, then create a sense of futility/continuity (or whatever other ending you'd like).
 
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FantasySciFi

I really liked your idea, and would love to implement it, but my short film needs to be no longer than 3:30 :-S


On that note i have a feel that i got a finished screenplay, that i feel satisfied with, but I'll take a look at it with fresh pair of eyes tomorrow night. Meanwhile, tear it apart, Oh Mighty IndieTalk Community!


Final Draft (I hope)
 
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I think your final draft is good BUT if this is for a class, go back and clean up the spelling and scene mistakes, eg. "betta", "... jumped to the chair..." (?), etc.

You took out the surveillance cameras. I would put them back in and note them in your scene descriptions. Having the red, blinking, omnipresent cameras in all of your scenes really heightens the sense of 'big brother is watching'. Even in the exchange between Derek and his roommate I would have his face lit by the blinking red light from the camera.

The steady blinking red light is both ominous and metaphorical for the heart. It will contrast nicely with his death scene.

If you do have to tighten up to 3:30, I would look at the mouse scene. Since they are only separated by a window, you just need to see the mouse run to the other side without exploding. I also get mixed visuals from that scene.

If these are side by side enclosed rooms, where does the grass come into play?

This is where you need to pass back through your script to make sure the images line up. I may be misreading it, but when it goes to production, the person marking up the scenes for shooting might also be confused.

Good work.
 
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