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editing your own script

dlevanchuk

dlevanchuk

hello Comrades,
I'm having a trouble editing the dialogs and "breathe in more life" into my characters. Wrote out their biographies, what they like/dislike, what their goals are, and have an entire character in my head, but when it comes down to editing a dialog (lower is an example of a father, his step son and mother) i get kind of froze up on the idea how the characters would actually sound..
The scene begins to look:
a. Too unnatural
and
b. Really monotonous, with characters having 0 personality :(
Any suggestions on how to actually to edit your own work, or would it be easier to fix it by giving it to one of my friends to read, and point out "flat stops"?

thanks for the tips!

Example (dont mind the formatting):

Dark room

Josh (14, step son) points camera with flashlight being on at Steve (40step dad). Steve smacks the camera.

STEVE: Get this god damn light out of my face!

Joshua moves the camera away, pointing at the ground.

STEVE (pissed off): Did you break the boards on the main door?

JOSHUA (confused) : ..What?

STEVE: How did that thing get in there? Did you let him in my basement?

KAREN(mother): Steve, you can't blame my son for this!

STEVE : Shut up! Your son almost killed all of us and you are still trying to defend him?

JOSHUA: Mom, I didn't do it..

KAREN: I know, I know..
 
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Well, you have a character complete in your mind. what would they say in that situation. dont write what you think theyd say, write what they would say..you created them remember.
Im no pro writer at all, but thats one of the first things a tried to remember. the character is yours, you know them the best, so just let the dialogue flow.
 
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The dialogue isn't bad. The excerpt is so short there's not much to judge by, in any case.

Would the mother say "my son," or would she just use a pronoun or his name?

The #1 tip I can give you on your dialogue is to make sure you read EVERY SINGLE line of dialogue from your script out loud. Trust me on this. I've caught some howlers that way. Looked ok on the page, but when I read it out loud, I realized that there was NO WAY the character would actually say that.

Remember, if your characters know whom they're talking to, they ought to speak in shorthand. If they don't, they either keep their guard up and don't say much, or (if they're under pressure to get something done, and soon), they get to the point as quickly as possible.

I frequently fall into the trap of having characters deliver information they would never say to the party they're addressing, information whose only value is to the eavesdropping moviegoer, who, in the reality of these characters, obviously doesn't exist.

If you can't figure out a way to show it, and the characters wouldn't say it, you have to pass.

It's also important to be able to read dialogue WITHOUT knowing who's saying it and recognize them. Remember, characters speak differently. If they all sound the same, you got a problem. You've got to differentiate your characters with what they choose to say and omit, when they choose to speak, and how they express what they want or need to say.

Finally, when writing a scene, know what the purpose of the scene is, what each character wants and how those wants conflict with each other, what the conflict is (there has to be SOME kind of conflict in each scene, no matter how blatant or sub-textual), and what the resolution will be.

Feel free to show it to your friends and family, but bear in mind that most likely they will tell you what you want to hear about your writing, not what you need to hear.

Cheers!

-Charles
 
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Dlevanchuk,

One thing you might consider (part of what Charles is saying) is what they don’t say.

For example, when Steve smacks the camera away, does he really have to say “Get that God damn light out of my face!”, or do his actions show he means get it out of his face AND illustrate he is the keeper of the anger and frustration?

Same with Karen, does she need to say “You can't blame my son for this!”, or can she communicate and paint through sub-text a broader picture of things AND prime Steve who is already charged with anger and frustration to help solidify it?


STEVE
I thought I told you not to fuck with that door!


JOSH
I didn’t -honest!


Steve smacks the camera out of his way.


KAREN
Steven please!


STEVE
Don’t “Steven please” me Karen, not this time!
Not when your precious son here could have
gotten us all killed!


KAREN
He said he didn’t do-


STEVE
He never does it!


JOSH
I didn’t this time, I swear!


Danjama,

Yes, I think kids at 10 would be a half or (depending on their environment) a whole notch down towards on the nose from adults, and also speak with the conviction of school yard hear say and testing the waters of swearing with their friends, kind of “Dickie Carleson told me when his cousin Bernice had a baby, it came out of her ass!” and maybe some “My old man says..” in the mix as well.


Younger (Like 5 or 6) would likely be pretty on the nose, and also communicate based in part on simple lessons like sharing or mimic what they have been told, kind of “Un uh, you’ll catch a germs and have the flu-monia, then no pizza at Fun Land for youuu.”


Younger still would likely say whatever crosses their mind, and also speak in pictures and memories trying to piece things together, kind of “Umm, and the star, the star have an orange, and the fire truck come “Ring! Ring! Ring!, and the dog have its spots! ”


-Thanks-
 
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Yes, I'd agree with Buddy on the kids.

There's a perceivable lessening of subtextual dialogue the younger you get. Subtext is a fairly sophisticated communication tool that takes some socialization and practice.
 
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Here's the way I approach scripts... keep in mind, I don't tend to write them, I tend toward tearing them apart aggressively so when I get asked questions on set about what an actor's motivation is, I know the answer. I also tend to use this process to see what can be removed in a scene.

The NUGGETs below are the distilled line down to the main verb and sometimes a noun to target the verb. This can show character inconsistencies and help keep them on task motivationally. Strigning them out helps streamline the script by showing redundant lines, weak lines and character consistency within a scene as they pursue their wants/needs.

I generally underline the NUGGET in a line and write the other notes in the margins of a script... Character motivations on one side, then attitude words that describe the way I see the character, little analogies and what not ("Like a small dog pulling a large bone", etc.).

On set, any questions have already been answered, all I have to do is read that to them, or use it as a reference to myself. As a writing tool, it works like a champ (my writers love my notes because they tend to be painfully honest - because I have to be able to make them cut together in a sensical way... it also helps inform the edit later).

The NUGGET gets applied to the character by filling in the rest of the dialog with their personality. The NUGGET is the way to get their need fulfilled... the dialog filled out is the part that informs how they relate to the characters that they think can hear them... Either the main target of the line, or altered due to other listeners in the area (the audience should know about them or the line will seem odd or out of character for no reason).

Dark room

Josh (14, step son) points camera with flashlight being on at Steve (40step dad). Steve smacks the camera.

STEVE: Get this god damn light out of my face!
- Annnoyed
- light sucks in darkroom
- NUGGET: light out!

Joshua moves the camera away, pointing at the ground.

STEVE (pissed off): Did you break the boards on the main door?
- upset that he snapped
- - Fuming rather than self-angry, still silence.
- change subject to break awkward silence.
- - No, more pissed? Worried about door? Not enough info to determine what information the dad wants.
- wants information
- NUGGET: Break door?

JOSHUA (confused) : ..What?
- Lying? Covering up? Confused by subject change?

STEVE: How did that thing get in there? Did you let him in my basement?
- Two lines, first to Josh, second to Karen
- not sure what is being referred to.
- 1) How in here?
- 2) You let him in?

KAREN(mother): Steve, you can't blame my son for this!
- Wouldn't take the time to use Steve's first name, would use Josh's or him with a gesture.
- Sticking up for son, does she believe it? Do we know the answer? Does she know the answer?
- NUGGET: Can't/Don't blame him!

STEVE : Shut up! Your son almost killed all of us and you are still trying to defend him?
- No context in this excerpt, words say shock.
- Expositional?
- Did son actually almost kill them? Is Steve just blaming him for something else?
- NUGGET: Defending him?

JOSHUA: Mom, I didn't do it..
- defensive
- To mother implies he's only worried about her belief in him, not Steve's.
- NUGGET: didn't do

KAREN: I know, I know..
- to Josh or to steve?
- - Reassuring if to Josh
- - Angry if to Steve
- NUGGET: I know.
Click to expand...
 
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