Okay, so I'm hesitant to post this because I "wouldn't want anybody to steal amazing my idea!", but I've been deprived of feedback for awhile and need some constructive criticism.
This was originally being written as a novel, but I enrolled in a screenwriting class last semester and found myself having to write thirty pages of a feature script, so I went with this and I like it much better as a film.
Anyway, I'm having trouble stepping back and viewing the script objectively, mostly because the main character and his experiences are largely based on myself, so of course I like my main character and find his experiences interesting. I turned my pages in several times for class and professor critique, and the last piece of advice I was given was:
"The writing is great, but the script sucks!"
I did a complete rewrite and HOPE that I fixed the script, but the semester ended before I could turn it in again and get any feedback. I've been lurking on Indietalk for awhile, and was finally convinced to join the conversations when I decided I needed some third party criticism of my current draft of the script. Technically it's been reworked a few times, but I still consider it my first draft.
There were three main issues that were explained to me with the script before this rewrite:
1. It had a "skit-like" quality, where each of the scenes in and of themselves were sound, but they didn't seem to be connected to the bigger picture/story.
2. People were having trouble connecting with the main character. He's not meant to be likable, necessarily, but people said they just didn't feel any reason to care at all what happened to him. (And since he's somewhat based on myself I took those comments personally! )
3. People were having trouble discerning any particular, singular storyline that would keep the momentum. This is similar to the first issue, but I mention it because even after fixing the skit-like quality of the script, (at least I hope it's fixed now), I'm concerned that the overall story isn't coming across, or at least that it's not interesting enough for people to care.
So, I tried to fix these in the current re-write. Any feedback of any kind would be much appreciated. It's almost 30 pages, so I understand if nobody wants to read the whole thing, but I figured it was worth a shot.
This script has a fairly specific and possibly narrow target audience. It will most likely be one of those movies that is love/hate. Based on class reactions I gathered that in most areas of criticism half the people hated that aspect, and half the people loved it. The overall script, on the other hand, was mostly disliked, and only about ten percent of the class said they really liked it. I think this is largely due to the primary issues mentioned above, and hopefully my rewrite remedies the issue and finds a greater balance between the lovers and the haters.
I have more to disclaim, but as you can see I'm terribly wordy and descriptive, and have probably lost most potential readers already, so here's a download link to a PDF file of Act I of "The Desert" (working title):
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=NGHGNI26
(I hope MegaUpload is an appropriate way to share this...)
By the way, it's a Dark Comedy/Drama, (Dark Dramedy?), about an Iraq War veteran dealing with the transition [or lack thereof] into civilian life in Las Vegas. Fans of "Jacob's Ladder" may notice some hints of similarity, but I consider it more like "Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas" meets "Black Hawk Down". Well, Act II will be anyway! It has some very surrealistic aspects, so if you're not into surrealism I recommend you steer clear. I had some people in class saying it wasn't realistic, and that certain things weren't "physically possible" or made no sense in real life, but I attribute that to the fact that surrealism just isn't some people's cup of tea. The surrealistic aspects aren't surrealistic just to be cool or anything, they do serve a metaphorical purpose. =)
Oh forget it; I'll just finish the disclaimer : I'm aware that some aspects of the script are breaking rules, (the montage scene where I say it's a continuous Steadicam shot, and the naming of specific songs which would cost a great deal of money to buy the rights to use, etc.), but I did (and do) have reasons for those particular infractions of screenwriting etiquette.
Also, I recognize there are a few weird formatting errors, where the words have been pushed down to the next line when they shouldn't have been, (first seen when he says, "You bastards! Jaywalking! Jaywalking!) This appears to be a glitch in the CeltX software I use, as I cannot figure out how to fix it.
Anyway, I'm stubborn and think I'm ALMOST always right, but I ALWAYS appreciate constructive criticism of any kind, and take any and all advice under consideration. Actually I even appreciate non-constructive criticism. My script wasn't half as good as it is now, (even if it's bad), before I made changes to it based on criticism from others. Any and all criticism will be taken with open arms!
I know what you're thinking if you've made it this far in my post: "I hope his screenplay isn't this wordy and tedious!"
This was originally being written as a novel, but I enrolled in a screenwriting class last semester and found myself having to write thirty pages of a feature script, so I went with this and I like it much better as a film.
Anyway, I'm having trouble stepping back and viewing the script objectively, mostly because the main character and his experiences are largely based on myself, so of course I like my main character and find his experiences interesting. I turned my pages in several times for class and professor critique, and the last piece of advice I was given was:
"The writing is great, but the script sucks!"
I did a complete rewrite and HOPE that I fixed the script, but the semester ended before I could turn it in again and get any feedback. I've been lurking on Indietalk for awhile, and was finally convinced to join the conversations when I decided I needed some third party criticism of my current draft of the script. Technically it's been reworked a few times, but I still consider it my first draft.
There were three main issues that were explained to me with the script before this rewrite:
1. It had a "skit-like" quality, where each of the scenes in and of themselves were sound, but they didn't seem to be connected to the bigger picture/story.
2. People were having trouble connecting with the main character. He's not meant to be likable, necessarily, but people said they just didn't feel any reason to care at all what happened to him. (And since he's somewhat based on myself I took those comments personally! )
3. People were having trouble discerning any particular, singular storyline that would keep the momentum. This is similar to the first issue, but I mention it because even after fixing the skit-like quality of the script, (at least I hope it's fixed now), I'm concerned that the overall story isn't coming across, or at least that it's not interesting enough for people to care.
So, I tried to fix these in the current re-write. Any feedback of any kind would be much appreciated. It's almost 30 pages, so I understand if nobody wants to read the whole thing, but I figured it was worth a shot.
This script has a fairly specific and possibly narrow target audience. It will most likely be one of those movies that is love/hate. Based on class reactions I gathered that in most areas of criticism half the people hated that aspect, and half the people loved it. The overall script, on the other hand, was mostly disliked, and only about ten percent of the class said they really liked it. I think this is largely due to the primary issues mentioned above, and hopefully my rewrite remedies the issue and finds a greater balance between the lovers and the haters.
I have more to disclaim, but as you can see I'm terribly wordy and descriptive, and have probably lost most potential readers already, so here's a download link to a PDF file of Act I of "The Desert" (working title):
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=NGHGNI26
(I hope MegaUpload is an appropriate way to share this...)
By the way, it's a Dark Comedy/Drama, (Dark Dramedy?), about an Iraq War veteran dealing with the transition [or lack thereof] into civilian life in Las Vegas. Fans of "Jacob's Ladder" may notice some hints of similarity, but I consider it more like "Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas" meets "Black Hawk Down". Well, Act II will be anyway! It has some very surrealistic aspects, so if you're not into surrealism I recommend you steer clear. I had some people in class saying it wasn't realistic, and that certain things weren't "physically possible" or made no sense in real life, but I attribute that to the fact that surrealism just isn't some people's cup of tea. The surrealistic aspects aren't surrealistic just to be cool or anything, they do serve a metaphorical purpose. =)
Oh forget it; I'll just finish the disclaimer : I'm aware that some aspects of the script are breaking rules, (the montage scene where I say it's a continuous Steadicam shot, and the naming of specific songs which would cost a great deal of money to buy the rights to use, etc.), but I did (and do) have reasons for those particular infractions of screenwriting etiquette.
Also, I recognize there are a few weird formatting errors, where the words have been pushed down to the next line when they shouldn't have been, (first seen when he says, "You bastards! Jaywalking! Jaywalking!) This appears to be a glitch in the CeltX software I use, as I cannot figure out how to fix it.
Anyway, I'm stubborn and think I'm ALMOST always right, but I ALWAYS appreciate constructive criticism of any kind, and take any and all advice under consideration. Actually I even appreciate non-constructive criticism. My script wasn't half as good as it is now, (even if it's bad), before I made changes to it based on criticism from others. Any and all criticism will be taken with open arms!
I know what you're thinking if you've made it this far in my post: "I hope his screenplay isn't this wordy and tedious!"