You took a couple shortcuts in your script.
Code:
The doctor looks closer this time at his scribbles
QUACK
Let’s see. Ah, yes, open-heart surgery.
[COLOR="Blue"][B][I]The patient asks about the doctor’s choice to use the straps
on all four limbs.[/I][/B][/COLOR]
QUACK
Oh, those are to keep you from leaving until I'm finished!
This is where you need to supply the
patient's dialogue.
So it might appear something like:
Code:
The doctor looks closer this time at his scribbles. He directs the patient
to lie down on the table.
QUACK
Let’s see. Ah, yes, open-heart surgery.
[COLOR="Blue"]
PATIENT
But you said my heart was fine.
QUACK
Take off your shirt and lay back.
The patient looks questioningly but complies.
The doctor puts straps around his ankles. He moves to the side and
listens to his heart. Doctor shakes his head sadly and begins securing
the patient's arms with straps.
PATIENT
Is it bad?
Doctor nods.
The patient starts to rise and the straps stop him.
PATIENT
Doc, are these really necessary?
[/COLOR]
QUACK
Only until I'm finished with the surgery!
Overall, it seemed like a very visual comedy piece but it didn't really grab me. I'd like to suggest that you find a reason. Maybe give it a bit more spin.
When the patient comes in for his physical, he mentions that his girlfriend has recently broken his heart. That prompts the "heart surgery". I'd also have a bit of haggling over the price since the client isn't insured, which is why he sought out Dr. Quack. I mean a hospital would cost tons for a surgery, so Dr. Quack offers to do it on the side for a discounted rate. In my head, I'm hearing the Simpson's Dr. Nick.
Right now, you just have a collection of visuals that don't tell a story; it's just a scene snapshot. By giving a little bit of context to the visit, the surgery, then the result is more meaningful. During the surgery, I might have the doctor say the boy needs to be more assertive in fighting for his love. Then when the guy goes running out, the doctor can quip "No guts, no glory."
Anyway, those would be my suggestions for strengthening your short. Good luck!
Yes, but it doesn't get that far. Is it set for "public sharing"?
