• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

logline Does this Logline sound interesting?

B

BustedStuff

Hello Everyone...Brand new to the forums, feel like I've been reading threads all day! Everyone here sounds so nice, and helpful. Was hoping to get some feedback on this idea for my next screenplay - a dark comedy in the vein of Fargo.

Title: Yellowcake

Tagline: Never bite off more than you can chew.

Logline: A desperate power plant worker is pursued by the FBI after attempting to blackmail his boss with stolen uranium to pay for his child's radiation therapy.

Thanks for any feedback!
 
Sort by date Sort by votes
BustedStuff said:
Hello Everyone...Brand new to the forums, feel like I've been reading threads all day! Everyone here sounds so nice, and helpful. Was hoping to get some feedback on this idea for my next screenplay - a dark comedy in the vein of Fargo.

Title: Yellowcake

Tagline: Never bite off more than you can chew.

Logline: A desperate power plant worker is pursued by the FBI after attempting to blackmail his boss with stolen uranium to pay for his child's radiation therapy.

Thanks for any feedback!
Click to expand...

The logline doesn't catch me. In part because the guy seems 'bad' until you reach the motivation at the end. Put it up front. Is it necessary to have 'his boss'? Starting with the motivation makes it obvious he is desperate. End with the dilemma, SUCCESS or FAILURE.

"To pay for his child's cancer treatment, a power plant worker steals uranium for blackmail. It seems promising ... until the FBI arrive."

"to pay for his child's cancer treatment" = desperate (intial situation)
"power plant worker" = who (hero/antihero)
"steals uranium" = what + "for blackmail" = why => (motivation, inciting incident)
"It seems promising" = SUCCESS (or at least the desired goal)
"until the FBI arrive" = OBSTACLE (potential failure)

Keeping the logline brief is important. There is split opinion as to technicalities-- 30 words or less, 20 words or less, one sentence only, no more than two, etc. Concise is important since it's a sales tool. Like a trailer, it needs to create an immediate connection. It's not a summary but the gist.

The title seems odd given the logline. But I don't have the advantage of the script.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
I'm having a hard time seeing this as a dark comedy. The logline suggests a tense cat-n-mouse government chase sequence. To suggest a comedy, I might suggest changing the log line to something like:

"To pay for his child's cancer treatment, a power plant worker steals uranium for blackmail.
When the FBI arrive, he has to find a terrorist ... or make one."
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
BustedStuff said:
Title: Yellowcake
Tagline: Never bite off more than you can chew.
Click to expand...

rayw said:
Yellowcake is the term for refined uranium.
Click to expand...

:) I'm familiar with the term. However, the pun and term may be lost on those not familiar with the nuclear power industry. (I have Yucca Mtn in my backyard) I'm not sure that Joe Public (or Randall Executive) would necessarily put it together. ... Just saying, if I wanted to sell the piece, I'd need to change the tagline or make the title link to the inciting incident. Or make it an extended pun, "Yellowcake Walk" or "Yellowcake Waltz" to play on the notion of the cake walk. And the cake walk has strong parallels to his theme of evasion.

But just my thoughts. :)
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
BustedStuff said:
Hello Everyone...Brand new to the forums, feel like I've been reading threads all day! Everyone here sounds so nice, and helpful. Was hoping to get some feedback on this idea for my next screenplay - a dark comedy in the vein of Fargo.

Title: Yellowcake

Tagline: Never bite off more than you can chew.

Logline: A desperate power plant worker is pursued by the FBI after attempting to blackmail his boss with stolen uranium to pay for his child's radiation therapy.

Thanks for any feedback!
Click to expand...

It's pretty succinct and clearly stated. The format is appropriate for the content and tone you seek to invoke.

If anything, it could be a slight more dynamic? Desperate is good descriptor, what about emotional phrases like wits-ends or end of the line in place of?

What about the character? Is he broke? Rich? I wonder if you add one small word that tells us more about him right before it could change the impact the information has.

Just some thoughts. As it's taught, being dynamic with words is imperative to a great logline. Yours, in fact, looks a lot similar to "THE NEGOTIATOR" which is a great example of a logline.

In a desperate attempt to prove his innocence, a skilled police negotiator accused of corruption and murder takes hostages in a government office to gain the time he needs to find the truth.

Or a hybrid of that and John Q

A down-on-his luck father, whose insurance won't cover his son's heart transplant, takes the hospital's emergency room hostage until the doctors agree to perform the operation.

Very similar in writing, so I would definitely say nice job on the iteration and,again, throw some dynamic words in.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top