Does this first scene grab your attention?

[Firm1]

Hey everyone. I'm sorry to just lay this out, but I really need some input on this first scene. I just want to know if its good enough to grab people's attention so that they'll invest their time in the rest of the show. This is a dream sequence so at the very end it SMASH CUTS to him in bed.

Any feedback is welcome. Thanks a lot guys
___________________________________________________________________________

FADE IN:
INT. PRISON INFIRMIRY – DAY

A pale skinny redheaded inmate named Junior sits at the side of the bed looking off to the right. You can hear someone shuffling around for some things in the background. For a long moment no one speaks. But then suddenly, Junior gives a light chuckle and looks over at the person behind the camera.

JUNIOR
(southern accent)

You never really know you’re gonna kill someone until one day…When you’re all boxed in and there’s no way out except to just..do it. It aint pretty. No one’ll ever look at you the same. Nor will you. But, when that day comes? When that day comes you better be ready to do what you think you can’t handle…the World’ll come swalla ya whole if ya don’t.

SORIN
I Didn’t know you felt so cornered, Junior.

A doctor named Sorin Turner comes into frame and sits down next to Junior.
You can see him preparing a shot for Junior.

JUNIOR

Aww, come on doctor, now you know we all feel cornered…Lifes one giant prison.
Sorin gives a subtle smile as he rips open an alcohol swab. He then begins to rub a spot on his arm.

SORIN

You think so?

JUNIOR

Oh, I know so..See, you smilin, but deep down you know it’s true. I mean, someone’s either in your way or somehow you’re in theirs.

Sorin takes a syringe filled with something and begins to inject it into Junior.

JUNIOR
(slight discomfort)

And, it ain’t matter if you’re in here or out there. It’s just the truth.

SORIN

Well, that’s your truth.

Sorin takes the needle out and without looking up at him, he turns around to grab something.

JUNIOR

Your truth, my truth. It’s all the same cus in here?

He points to his head as Sorin turns back around un-wrapping a band-aid.

JUNIOR

Its all jus reactin to what’s out there.

Sorin applies the band-aid.

JUNIOR

Look at me gettin all philosophical and what have you.

Sorin stands up and takes the used syringe, along with the wrappings from the band-aid. He turns his back on Junior as he goes to discard the items.

Junior takes a shiv from behind his back.

JUNIOR

I’m sorry. I’m getting away from the real point of what I’m tryin to say.

Junior slowly gets off the bed and begins to creep towards Sorin, one hand behind his leg, as though he’s hiding something.

JUNIOR

I got no hard feelins against ya doc…

Junior stares at him with a lifeless expression as he gets closer and closer to Sorin.

JUNIOR

I just wanna go free.

Sorin turns around.

SORIN

What are you talking…

Suddenly, Junior swings his arm around and slashes Sorin’s throat with a makeshift knife.
Sorin is stunned and immediately backs up as he bleeds all over the place.

ECU ON SORIN’S STUNNED FACE AS HE FALLS TO THE GROUND.

Junior walks toward him and crouches down. He places one hand under his head.

JUNIOR
(Whispers)

Hey, hey, hey. It’s ok, now…Your dyin, but you’re not gonna disappear..No…You’re gonna go on; pieces floatin around in different directions. But, they’ll still be parts of you, always changin. But, they’ll never give up.

He pauses for a moment as he stares at him with the most intense expression Sorin has ever seen.

JUNIOR

They just can’t.

Sorin is completely dumbfounded by what’s happening to him as he bleeds out.

 

[Firm1]

There are formatting issues which could be a result of just copying and pasting into the box without using the CODE tags. However, I think there is an overall improvement. While the dialogue still reads a bit rough, it is MUCH improved. I feel you're a little too rushed to get to the bedroom wake up. Take some time to develop the characters. I'm not sure how to explain this clearly. If Sorin is a critical character, as we find out when he wakes up, he should have much more development in that first scene. Junior does too much of the talking. And you lose some excellent opportunities to peak into Sorin's character. But this reads better than the first version.

Hmmm...Interesting. Sorin is a quiet character. You know, kind of an observer of things, but yeah, maybe I should drag it out so the tempo is smoother. That's a mistake I made when I did the promo for the web series. We took an exciting scene from the middle of the series and went too fast so we had to spend an extra 300 dollars just to slow it down and make it smoother. It was definitely worth it, though.

Thanks for the feedback. If you're interested in reading the whole pilot episode let me know and I can PM it to you.

 

[Sage Pictures]

I think this is really good material here; I like that you took out the telegraphing bits of dialog before the attack in your rewrite, and I like the cyclical structure of beginning the scene w/ the ear catching line about killing, and ending the scene with the doctor's murder (connecting the dots that this is what he was intending from the start, making the attack seem less improbable/contrived, and catching attention from the get go all in one).

I think the more interesting philosophizing segments from the first version are more compelling, w/ the only sin being the characters explicitly pointing out the philosophizing. It also made the scene more interesting when there was a dynamic that the inmate was really tying to connect with the doctor and share a profound idea before killing him (made the act more unexpected and nuanced - & and it seemed to ring true w/ dissonant truths of life and chaos) It is not as captivating if the scene keeps the tone between the two antagonistic from beginning to end, as there is no 'turn of value', or revelation.

 

[odd1out]

This "cliche" argument is never ending lol. It has spaned over three different threads. I Here By Decree that the word CLICHE shall never be used again. Or we fear provoking the wraith of the "BirdMAN" upon us. Let it be known that it is an act of self endanger meant to challenge the creature. Once he has been aggravated there is no stoping him. We will outlaw this action and condemn those who take part in such a dangerous activity.

 

[dandavis]

The second draft/attempt is even better thanks to various corrections.

The whole idea is better to be an imagination rather than a dream.