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Does this first scene grab your attention?

F

Firm1

Hey everyone. I'm sorry to just lay this out, but I really need some input on this first scene. I just want to know if its good enough to grab people's attention so that they'll invest their time in the rest of the show. This is a dream sequence so at the very end it SMASH CUTS to him in bed.

Any feedback is welcome. Thanks a lot guys
___________________________________________________________________________

FADE IN:
INT. PRISON INFIRMIRY – DAY

A pale skinny redheaded inmate named Junior sits at the side of the bed looking off to the right. You can hear someone shuffling around for some things in the background. For a long moment no one speaks. But then suddenly, Junior gives a light chuckle and looks over at the person behind the camera.

JUNIOR
(southern accent)

You never really know you’re gonna kill someone until one day…When you’re all boxed in and there’s no way out except to just..do it. It aint pretty. No one’ll ever look at you the same. Nor will you. But, when that day comes? When that day comes you better be ready to do what you think you can’t handle…the World’ll come swalla ya whole if ya don’t.

SORIN
I Didn’t know you felt so cornered, Junior.

A doctor named Sorin Turner comes into frame and sits down next to Junior.
You can see him preparing a shot for Junior.

JUNIOR

Aww, come on doctor, now you know we all feel cornered…Lifes one giant prison.
Sorin gives a subtle smile as he rips open an alcohol swab. He then begins to rub a spot on his arm.

SORIN

You think so?

JUNIOR

Oh, I know so..See, you smilin, but deep down you know it’s true. I mean, someone’s either in your way or somehow you’re in theirs.

Sorin takes a syringe filled with something and begins to inject it into Junior.

JUNIOR
(slight discomfort)

And, it ain’t matter if you’re in here or out there. It’s just the truth.

SORIN

Well, that’s your truth.

Sorin takes the needle out and without looking up at him, he turns around to grab something.

JUNIOR

Your truth, my truth. It’s all the same cus in here?

He points to his head as Sorin turns back around un-wrapping a band-aid.

JUNIOR

Its all jus reactin to what’s out there.

Sorin applies the band-aid.

JUNIOR

Look at me gettin all philosophical and what have you.

Sorin stands up and takes the used syringe, along with the wrappings from the band-aid. He turns his back on Junior as he goes to discard the items.

Junior takes a shiv from behind his back.

JUNIOR

I’m sorry. I’m getting away from the real point of what I’m tryin to say.

Junior slowly gets off the bed and begins to creep towards Sorin, one hand behind his leg, as though he’s hiding something.

JUNIOR

I got no hard feelins against ya doc…

Junior stares at him with a lifeless expression as he gets closer and closer to Sorin.

JUNIOR

I just wanna go free.

Sorin turns around.

SORIN

What are you talking…

Suddenly, Junior swings his arm around and slashes Sorin’s throat with a makeshift knife.
Sorin is stunned and immediately backs up as he bleeds all over the place.

ECU ON SORIN’S STUNNED FACE AS HE FALLS TO THE GROUND.

Junior walks toward him and crouches down. He places one hand under his head.

JUNIOR
(Whispers)

Hey, hey, hey. It’s ok, now…Your dyin, but you’re not gonna disappear..No…You’re gonna go on; pieces floatin around in different directions. But, they’ll still be parts of you, always changin. But, they’ll never give up.

He pauses for a moment as he stares at him with the most intense expression Sorin has ever seen.

JUNIOR

They just can’t.

Sorin is completely dumbfounded by what’s happening to him as he bleeds out.
 
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It felt rather predictable. In part because you told us what he was going to do and he did it. The dialogue was on-the-nose. I don't think a smash cut to the bedroom will save it. The "it was a dream" can be an overused intro if not handled well. The scene itself is pretty pedestrian and doesn't catch my interest. Inmate-kills-doctor-to-escape. That plot device occurs over and over.

You need to develop this scene more before you cut to the bedroom. Show me something interesting about Junior or Sorin. By itself, the scene is trite. Good luck.
 
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I read it. A pretty good first effort but as FantasySciFi notes, it could be improved considerably.

I'll link to articles that can help you a lot:

How to Write Great Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/how-to-write-great-dialogue.php

Stay in Present Tense and Active Voice
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/stay-in-present-tense-and-active-voice.php

Expositional Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/expositional-dialogue.php

'On-the-nose' Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/on-the-nose-dialogue.php

Amp Things Up
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/amp-things-up.php
 
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Yeah, I see what you guys mean now. For some reason I always knew it was bad to be on the nose, but I kept that idea more as an afterthought...And now this happened lol. Man, I just re-read all of my stuff and its littered with this mistake. Thanks for point things out, guys.
 
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Ok...So, I think I corrected my mistakes. I still think it's a little predictable, but that's ok because I'm not too interested in tricking the viewers. What do you guys think?

_______________________________________________________________________________________

FADE IN:
INT. PRISON INFIRMIRY – DAY

A pale skinny redheaded inmate named Junior sits at the side of the bed looking off to the right. You can hear someone shuffling around for some things in the background. For a long moment no one speaks. But then suddenly, Junior gives a light chuckle and looks over at the person behind the camera.

JUNIOR
(southern accent)

You never really know you’re gonna kill someone until one day…When you’re all boxed in and there’s no way out except to just..do it. It aint pretty. No one’ll ever look at you the same. Nor will you. But, when that day comes you better be ready to do what you think you can’t handle…the World’ll come eat ya alive if ya don’t.

SORIN

You tryin confess to me?

A doctor named Sorin Turner comes into frame and sits down next to Junior. You can see him placing a shot down on the table next to him as he prepares to administer it.

JUNIOR
(Chuckles)

I’m about long past confessin, doc.

SORIN

So, what are you tryin to say, Junior?

Sorin rips open an alcohol swab. He then begins to rub a spot on his arm.

JUNIOR

Nothin, really…I mean, what’s a guy like me got to say anyway? I’m just a convict.

SORIN
You’re a human being.

Sorin takes a syringe and pokes it into a bottle filled with insulin and then takes it out.

JUNIOR

Na, I aint a person.

Sorin injects the shot into Junior.

JUNIOR
(slight discomfort)

Haven’t been one all my life.

Sorin finishes injecting him before taking the needle out. He reaches for a band-aid and rips it open.

JUNIOR

And, my kind ain’t just convicts. There’s a lot of convicts that shouldn’t be here.
Sorin applies the band-aid.

JUNIOR

My kind, are prisoners of their own minds (points to his head). See, a person has choices to make..We ain’t got much choice cept to just do.

After applying the band-aid, Sorin stands up and takes the used syringe, along with the wrappings from the band-aid. He turns his back on Junior as he goes to discard the items.
Junior slowly takes a shiv out from under his pants.

JUNIOR

But ya know, maybe we’re all like that.

He slowly gets off the patient’s table and creeps toward Sorin who is busy discarding the shot.

JUNIOR

Maybe none of us really have a choice.

Sorin turns around and as soon as he does, Junior slashes his throat. Sorin immediately stumbles back, completely shocked by the turn of events.

He smashes into the table next to him and then falls over, as he quickly loses blood.
Junior walks toward him and crouches down. He places one hand under his head as Sorin tries with what little energy he has to resist him.

JUNIOR
(Whispers)

Hey, hey, hey. It’s ok, now…Your dyin, see. But you’re not gonna disappear…I read that somewhere. They say your body rots and goes back to Earth. So all those things that make you who you were’ll go floatin around in different directions. And then one day…Well, one day Maybe’ll be somethin else.

He pauses for a moment as he stares at him with the most intense expression Sorin has ever seen.

JUNIOR

Just don’t be afraid to die...

Sorin is completely dumbfounded as he slowly blacks out.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. SORIN’S BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING

Sorin is startled awake. He sits up, breathing heavily as the morning sun illuminates his nice bedroom. He rubs his neck, which has a noticeably large scar right around the jugular.
 
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This Junior talks like a cyborg, or someone who's memory was wiped, which is indeed overused, but still good concept. But as it was already said, I wouldn't begin with patient-kills-doctor. It doesn't look like a beginning scene to me. I would place it at 20-25 minute (out of 120) as a "Crossing the Threshold" point, or at 80-85 minute as a twist.

About tricking viewers, your goal is to make them say, - "What's next???". Always leave unanswered questions, which you did at the Bedroom scene.

And you can use
Code: 
your text
and copy script lines inside, to keep them at the right spacing.
 
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When screenwriting, there are a number of “rules” which we should follow. I say ‘should follow’, as, of course, those rules are made to be broken. It’s best to follow those rules at first though, learn them inside-out, then learn when, where and how to break them effectively. Paul’s links will certainly help you with those.


Anyhow…


When first introducing a character, write their name in full caps. Also, it is common to write a your short character description in brackets after the name. If this were my screenplay, the first line would read: JUNIOR (38, skinny, pale, his red hair shaved close) sits on the edge of his bed.

It’s best to try and avoid “-ing” words; have you characters ‘do’ something, rather than be ‘doing’ it. Instead of having Junior be “…looking off to the right” it would be better if “He looks to his right.”

You should never address the reader/viewer in your screenplay. You’ve written “You can hear…”. This is a big no-no. It should read more along the lines of: There is a noise; someone shuffles through some junk.

Then you’ve written “…looks over at the person behind the camera.” Again, a big no-no. You should always only ever write what you would see on screen. There’s no camera in the scene, we can’t see a camera. He would be better looking, perhaps, towards the door.

Towards the end of this section, you’ve written: “…he stares at him with the most intense expression Sorin has ever seen.” A viewer cannot know this. Again, write only what you would see on screen. In this case, I would consider writing: Junior stares into Sorin’s eyes, his brow furrowed, intense.


As an opening, it’s alright. Having a character be killed, only to wake up and find out it was a dream has been done about a billion times before… But that’s ok. It’s cliché for a reason; it works.

Your whole writing style needs tightening up (learn the rules before you break them), as does your dialogue. Read some other screenplays and keep writing. You’ll be improving in no time.
 
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Inarius said:
Total Recall
Universal Soldier
That's the first things that come into mind.
Click to expand...

Arnie was not a cyborg in Total Recall. Neither was Jason Bourne. And Universal Soldier was a reanimated "dead guy".

I've noticed many in this industry have their index finger rigidly poised above the "cliche button" hoping for anything that remotely sounds like it may or May not have been done before.

News Update:

It's ALL been done before in some kind of abstract way ...unless some psychological expert finds a way to tap into some new human emotion that has never been demonstrated before in mankind's history.

Memory Loss is not a cliche ...it's merely a tool. It's a blank canvas that allows you to paint your story in a NEW, non-cliche way.

-Birdman
 
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Birdman, you got nothing to be mad at. "Cliche" doesn't mean "Don't use". Some Cliche can be used over 9999 times and can still be good. And as I said about the current example - it's a cliche, but still a good concept. But you decided to ignore that last statement of my sentence. :)
 
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Cliche Definition:

"a phrase or opinion that is overused and betrays a lack of original thought."

1. a trite, stereotyped expression; a sentence or phrase, usually expressing a popular or common thought or idea, that has lost originality, ingenuity, and impact by long overuse, as sadder but wiser, or strong as an ox.
2. (in art, literature, drama, etc.) a trite or hackneyed plot, character development, use of color, musical expression, etc.
3. anything that has become trite or commonplace through overuse.


Inarius:

The word "Cliche" has been perverted to the point that it no longer holds it's original definition. People are way too fast to label something as cliche when it's simply not the case. A "loss of memory" in a character is not cliche. If you have 10 movies all with covert CIA agents who spend the entire movie trying to discover their true identity... then that particular movie concept would probably be labeled as cliche. But the "memory loss" is not what is cliche.

If you were to apply the commonly-misconstrued concept of cliche to a space movie, anytime an astronaut struggles with atmospheric conditions on a strange planet... It would be considered cliche.

What I am pointing out has nothing to do with my personal emotions or "being mad". It's a question as to what the definition of cliche is and the fact that the word is misused far more than used appropriately.

-Birdman
 
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Memory loss is used a lot of times in movies, so it's NOT an original idea. So the definition is correct about it. But again, there is nothing bad in using things that the audience likes, even if that means to use it a 9999 time. You know, the guy who invented the first car, didn't have to invent wheels as well, because they already existed. He used what had existed before him and used it as a tool to make his own idea come real.
 
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Inarius,

I even bolded the main point of "Cliche".

1. a trite, stereotyped expression; a sentence or phrase, usually expressing a popular or common thought or idea, that has lost originality, ingenuity, and impact by long overuse, as sadder but wiser, or strong as an ox.

So if we apply your understanding of "cliche" to the movie industry we get the following:

Anytime an astronaut wears a spacesuit ... That is cliche.

Anytime a fireman rides on a firetruck ... That is cliche

Anytime a criminal shoots a cop ...that is cliche.

Anytime a man kisses a woman ...that is cliche

Anytime two characters walk down a street ...that is cliche

Anytime someone answers a telephone ...that is cliche.

Anytime a character gets hit in the head ...that is cliche.


...after all, ALL of the above happen all the time in movies ...so therefore they ALL MUST BE CLICHE!

-Birdman
 
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OP, I'm a bit confused. Sorin had his jugular slashed and survived? Or the whole thing was a dream? The "it was all a dream" idea is a cliche, but it's quick and efficient, so make sure you do something useful with it.

Quite like the ideas in the dialogue (or the monologue, as it is), but it's a bit dense for an opening scene. It's fairly typical for a cold open in a TV show, which is what you're aiming for, I guess?

Birdman, your selective reading of Inarius's "cyborg or someone whose memory was wiped" comment somehow managed to ignore the word "or". I disagree with Inarius on this, btw.
 
Last edited:
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Birdman, I guess "cliche" is a scene, a plot point, a set of events, or maybe a concept... not just one action line, lol.

And yes, you've missed the OR in my comment about "cyborg OR someone whose memory was wiped", but that's not the idea of what I'm saying.

Some cliche's work, and work good. That's why most of the times the industry uses the same relevant sound packs and musics (yes yes!) to add to the atmosphere. That's why they use Voice Overs at the beginning and the ending scenes in many movies. And that's why if the protagonist has a girl, the antagonist kidnaps her towards the end. Why? Because those cliche work again and again and again and never fail (well, almost never).
 
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There are formatting issues which could be a result of just copying and pasting into the box without using the CODE tags. However, I think there is an overall improvement. While the dialogue still reads a bit rough, it is MUCH improved. I feel you're a little too rushed to get to the bedroom wake up. Take some time to develop the characters. I'm not sure how to explain this clearly. If Sorin is a critical character, as we find out when he wakes up, he should have much more development in that first scene. Junior does too much of the talking. And you lose some excellent opportunities to peak into Sorin's character. But this reads better than the first version.
 
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Inarius said:
This Junior talks like a cyborg, or someone who's memory was wiped, which is indeed overused, but still good concept. But as it was already said, I wouldn't begin with patient-kills-doctor. It doesn't look like a beginning scene to me. I would place it at 20-25 minute (out of 120) as a "Crossing the Threshold" point, or at 80-85 minute as a twist.

About tricking viewers, your goal is to make them say, - "What's next???". Always leave unanswered questions, which you did at the Bedroom scene.

And you can use
Code: 
your text
and copy script lines inside, to keep them at the right spacing.
Click to expand...

Ooh, yeah sorry I'm still getting used to posting on forums haha.

Yeah, Junior isn't a cyborg and I know what you mean seeing as how this is a plot point at the very beginning of the web series, but it's a fundamental plot point that completely defines the main character at the beginning of the film. He's broken and scared as a result of this. Overused, indeed, but hey it works right?

And regarding the "tricking viewers" definitely agree with that. Much pondering is in order. Thanks man.
 
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mad_hatter said:
When screenwriting, there are a number of “rules” which we should follow. I say ‘should follow’, as, of course, those rules are made to be broken. It’s best to follow those rules at first though, learn them inside-out, then learn when, where and how to break them effectively. Paul’s links will certainly help you with those.


Anyhow…


When first introducing a character, write their name in full caps. Also, it is common to write a your short character description in brackets after the name. If this were my screenplay, the first line would read: JUNIOR (38, skinny, pale, his red hair shaved close) sits on the edge of his bed.

It’s best to try and avoid “-ing” words; have you characters ‘do’ something, rather than be ‘doing’ it. Instead of having Junior be “…looking off to the right” it would be better if “He looks to his right.”

You should never address the reader/viewer in your screenplay. You’ve written “You can hear…”. This is a big no-no. It should read more along the lines of: There is a noise; someone shuffles through some junk.

Then you’ve written “…looks over at the person behind the camera.” Again, a big no-no. You should always only ever write what you would see on screen. There’s no camera in the scene, we can’t see a camera. He would be better looking, perhaps, towards the door.

Towards the end of this section, you’ve written: “…he stares at him with the most intense expression Sorin has ever seen.” A viewer cannot know this. Again, write only what you would see on screen. In this case, I would consider writing: Junior stares into Sorin’s eyes, his brow furrowed, intense.


As an opening, it’s alright. Having a character be killed, only to wake up and find out it was a dream has been done about a billion times before… But that’s ok. It’s cliché for a reason; it works.

Your whole writing style needs tightening up (learn the rules before you break them), as does your dialogue. Read some other screenplays and keep writing. You’ll be improving in no time.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I should know better. This is a first draft so I just sort of threw my ideas down on paper. Now, I'll need to go back and change the formatting. You're totally right. It needs to be readable and presented better so that other people won't cringe when they read it.
 
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maz said:
OP, I'm a bit confused. Sorin had his jugular slashed and survived? Or the whole thing was a dream? The "it was all a dream" idea is a cliche, but it's quick and efficient, so make sure you do something useful with it.

Quite like the ideas in the dialogue (or the monologue, as it is), but it's a bit dense for an opening scene. It's fairly typical for a cold open in a TV show, which is what you're aiming for, I guess?
Click to expand...

Excellent point! This really did happen, however when he slashed his throat, he just barely missed the artery so even though he bled, it wasn't as profuse as its depicted in the dream, which he has over and over again since he's scarred from it.

And yes, this is a very fundamental plot point that has a lot to do with the story. Its definitely not just random.

Thanks for the comments on the monologue. I spent weeks just working on this one scene so it really means a lot of when I hear good things about it.
 
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