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Dark Horizon

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RionMcCloud

Dark Horizon- Script excerpt added

Yeah, I'm writing a script that's like buddy cop film meets horror/comedy. I'll post a portion of script later, but how's this for a tease.

An alcoholic, a computer geek, one ghost, a witch, a whole bunch of dead people, and a powerful relic. The winner of the race to find ths relic will shape the fate of the world.

In the teaser I will post later I have this dialogue:

There are things that go bump in the night. Sometimes, there is a monster in your closet. I've met the Boogie Man.... He's a really bad dancer. But they are nothing compared to what's coming.

Cliche, I know, but I think I can make it interesting enough to work.
 
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Thank you for the reception. The dialogue is very weak at this point. I need to find someone to edit and change it for me. The bad thing is I want total control. I change things on the fly while shooting scenes that are written and while my friends don't mind I'm sure it's annoying. heh

Basically, there are two guys that hunt monsters and demons. They have a love/hate relationship. One's a straight forward and stoic geek, while the other is a reckless and immature jerk. The ghost is their old partner and the jerk's girlfriend. They blame themselves for her death but cope in different ways. The incident made the geek agoraphobic and the jerk an alcoholic. They can see her too, only adding more pain throughout.

To balance this out there is a new love interest in the jerk's life. She stumbles into the middle of a zombie slaying mission and he has to save her. His ex can't move on until he lets go, and the guilt and love for her won't let him feel for another very easily.

The bad guys, other than nameless undead and low-level demons, are a witch and major demon. The witch summons and binds the demon to help her find the relic. It's a spear left over from the battle for heaven. She wants it for the power she can syphon from it. The demon wants it to break his bondage and run amok free in the world. The good guys want it to stop all that from happening.

The only problem I'm having besides making the script a bit better is a cast. My friends like to help, but the script gets out of my hands easily. When I write it has a life of it's own, the ideas flowing out of my hand to the paper. That's how the witch and major demon became involved. Mostly I am enivsioning this is my head and trying to add dialogue that fits.

This is a series for web and cable access, later to be edited into a film. What do you guys think?
 
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Short script excerpt posted

Well, here's some of the script I have so far. I keep rewriting things, so this scene has about 4 versions on paper. I need to pick one and stick with it, but I keep having different ideas for this, and other, scenes.

Int. Dark room. Mike is on the floor, propped against the wall. A wound in his abdomen is flowing

Ahriman (unseen)
The spear is mine, and the world will suffer. And it's your fault.

Mike (almost a whisper)
Fuck you.
(A foot is pressed into the wound. Mike writhes in pain, keeping back screams. Laughing is heard fading away after the foot is removed. Mike slumps to the floor and tries to crawl away. This continues through the voice over)
Mike (Voice over)
Just a few weeks ago all of this could be avoided. I've lost so many only to hand the world over by accident. Life's a real bitch sometimes.

Opening credits run.

Open on the Interior of a messy apartment

Mike
Fuck that! I was already out tonight. I haven't bathed in days, and I'm getting sick of this!

Danny
We don't get time off, Mike. A spike in activity means we keep working until it subsides.

Mike
What's this we crap? You just sit on the computer all the time. I've never seen you leave the apartment. You know what it's like to to be covered in blood and greay matter on a daily basis?

Danny
I'm only research. I tell you how to kill the things you find out there. If not for me you'd have been dead many times.

Mike
Yeah, and that time you let the gremlin in her I saved your ass.

Danny
Exactly. We're a team. We cover each others' asses, now get out there and do your job so I can do mine. You need to visit our friend too. He might know something about this spike.

Mike
Give me some cash before I go.

Danny
What for? I just gave you money yesterday.

Mike
I need some smokes and gas.

Danny
So what did you use it for yesterday?

Mike
Smokes and burgers. I like to eat everyday, ya know.

Danny
Just get gas. Got it?

Mike
Whatever.

(Mike walks out of the apartment. Danny watches through the blinds)

Cheryl
You know he's drinking again, right?

Danny
I know. The aniversary is coming up. Can't say I expect any less.

Cheryl
I'm worried about him. He's killing himself.

Danny
He doesn't care if he lives or dies.

(Danny walks away from the window. He is alone in the apartment.)​
 
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Well, I hope Will Vincent doesn't mind, but I'm going to post his rewrite. I like it much better than my original, and if people could point out what makes it better maybe it can help me improve as well. Thanks guys.

INT. DARK ROOM - NIGHT

MIKE lies on the floor, propped against a wall. A wound in
his abdomen is gushes crimson

AHRIMAN (O.S.)
The spear is mine, and the world
shall suffer. All thanks to you.

MIKE
(hoarsely)
Fuck You..

He writhes in pain as a foot is pressed into his wound. Mike
fights to keep from screaming, and slumps to the floor as the
foot is removed. A disembodied laugh echoes through the room
as Mike tries to crawl away.

MIKE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Just weeks ago this could have all
been avoided. I continued to
fight, while so many others have
fallen. Sometimes life is a real
bitch!

OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE
INT. APARTMENT - DUSK

Mike lounges casually on the floor amid mountains of half
emptied soft drink bottles and cartons of take out food.
DANNY sits, working purposefully at his computer.

MIKE
I just got back from a call. Fuck
it man, I haven’t bathed in nearly
a week!

Danny sends a sidelong glance toward Mike from behind his
computer terminal.

DANNY
We don’t get time off Mike, you
know that. Where there is a spike
in activity, we work until it
subsides.

Mike, picking through the pile of rotting takeout points a
chopstick at Danny.

MIKE
What do you mean ‘We’? Have you
even stepped away from that damn
computer lately? You have no idea
what it’s like to be covered in
blood, and who knows what... every
day.

DANNY
Someone has to tell you how to kill
the things you run into out there.
I’m research pal, if not for me
you’d have been dead ages ago.

MIKE
So, if you tell me how to kill
everything, why couldn’t you handle
that little gremlin you let in last
month?

DANNY
Look, we’re a team, okay? I do my
thing, and you do yours.. Speaking
of, get out there and do your job,
because I can’t concentrate on mine
with you lurking around here.

Mike raises an eyebrow.

DANNY (CONT'D)
You need to visit our friend
tonight too, he might know
something about this spike.

MIKE
Yeah, yeah.. Give me some cash.

Danny looks sternly at Mike, who can see what he is thinking.

MIKE (CONT'D)
I need gas, and uh, smokes.

Danny reluctantly pulls some money out of his wallet.

DANNY
Just gas.

MIKE
Fine.

Mike heads toward the door.

MIKE (CONT'D)
(Under his breath)
I don’t ‘lurk’.

Mike staggers out the door, and Danny listens to his
footsteps thumping down the stairs. He gets up, walks to the
window and pushes the blinds open slightly, watching Mike in
the street below.

CHERYL glides into the room, looking irritated.

CHERYL
You know he’s been drinking

Danny nods slightly.
DANNY

The anniversary is coming up, can’t
say I expect much less.
CHERYL

He’s killing himself.

As Danny turns from the window, Cheryl dissipates out of the
room, leaving Danny alone with his research.

EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT
Mike trudges through the darkened alley, wading through soggy
newspapers and discarded food waste. Kicking a homeless man
to see if he’s coherent, Mike sweeps the unconscious man’s
bottle into his hand and chugs its contents, tossing it
toward a dumpster never breaking his stride.​
 
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