critique Critique on a short film script.

Sorry for the confusion, I didn't know you can only send certain formats. Attached is a PDF

Jason
First thing I'd do is get rid of the first two paragraphs and begin this ONE SHEET with the paragraph that begins with:

The film is about Ari, a mentally ill, young, ultra-orthodox Jewish man (early 20’s).

In paragraph 7, you wrote:

Until Act 3 most things go poorly for Ari.

Don't do this... This weakens your concept--makes me think not much is happening in Acts 1 and 2 which would make me NOT want to read the spec.

Okay... Reading through this, just doesn't seem like enough story yet when in fact, you may have plenty of story but just didn't write enough of it down.

As for the story overall? Let's talk about marketing. In my humble opinion, this isn't the kid of spec a producer is going to want to throw money at for play in theaters. Those days are gone. Sad but true. This is Indie fare and Indie fare struggles to keep its head above water these days. Having said that? This is a story that a lot of people deal with on a lot of different levels. I like the fact that you've made Ari Jewish because that brings in a whole hell of a lot of built-in conflict. Unfortunately, I didn't see a lot of that built-in conflict in your ONE SHEET.

I can totally see this playing on a streaming channel which is where I think you'd get the most traction assuming the execution is well done. This is also the kind of spec/story that does well in competitions so keep THAT in mind but it's NOT the kind of spec that's going to sell unless someone (a Producer) comes along--reads it--decides to become its champion. You should know that while things like this DO HAPPEN? It's like winning the lottery. They rarely if ever happen but anyone can get lucky.

The other problem I have is with your ending... It's unclear to me if Ari makes it through all this. Of course, you say Allen becomes his beacon of support but in this instance, it FEELS like we need to SEE Ari come through all this... Leaving all the baggage behind and concentrating on the future. Every new day being a gift to him because he now sees his life CLEARLY.

Personally? In my MIND without you showing or telling us? I want to anticipate and visualize Ari one day being able to go back to his community... Proud of who he has become. Proud of who he has yet to become. HOPE. You don't have to show us this. You don't have to tell us that it eventually happens. You just have to make Ari ENLIGHTENED at the end and we will easily fill in those blanks.

Other than the typos? I think this could work as a competition piece which could get you meetings and possibly a meeting with a streaming channel which is who I think would ultimately be interested.

When you're talking Hollywood and theatrical features? You're better off focusing on HIGH CONCEPT. No offense but this is not high concept. This story is NOT going to appeal to the masses.

That in and of itself is NOT a bad thing. I am NOT trying to tell you NOT to write it. If you're passionate about this story? By all means, WRITE IT! You can LEARN a HELL OF A LOT about writing by writing something you're passionate about. You can learn a lot about yourself too.

If you do decide to go ahead and write this? Don't worry too much about THIS one sheet. Once you've completed the spec, you can craft another one directly from the spec itself.

Good luck!
 
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First thing I'd do is get rid of the first two paragraphs and begin this ONE SHEET with the paragraph that begins with:

The film is about Ari, a mentally ill, young, ultra-orthodox Jewish man (early 20’s).

In paragraph 7, you wrote:

Until Act 3 most things go poorly for Ari.

Don't do this... This weakens your concept--makes me think not much is happening in Acts 1 and 2 which would make me NOT want to read the spec.

Okay... Reading through this, just doesn't seem like enough story yet when in fact, you may have plenty of story but just didn't write enough of it down.

As for the story overall? Let's talk about marketing. In my humble opinion, this isn't the kid of spec a producer is going to want to throw money at for play in theaters. Those days are gone. Sad but true. This is Indie fare and Indie fare struggles to keep its head above water these days. Having said that? This is a story that a lot of people deal with on a lot of different levels. I like the fact that you've made Ari Jewish because that brings in a whole hell of a lot of built-in conflict. Unfortunately, I didn't see a lot of that built-in conflict in your ONE SHEET.

I can totally see this playing on a streaming channel which is where I think you'd get the most traction assuming the execution is well done. This is also the kind of spec/story that does well in competitions so keep THAT in mind but it's NOT the kind of spec that's going to sell unless someone (a Producer) comes along--reads it--decides to become its champion. You should know that while things like this DO HAPPEN? It's like winning the lottery. They rarely if ever happen but anyone can get lucky.

The other problem I have is with your ending... It's unclear to me if Ari makes it through all this. Of course, you say Allen becomes his beacon of support but in this instance, it FEELS like we need to SEE Ari come through all this... Leaving all the baggage behind and concentrating on the future. Every new day being a gift to him because he now sees his life CLEARLY.

Personally? In my MIND without you showing or telling us? I want to anticipate and visualize Ari one day being able to go back to his community... Proud of who he has become. Proud of who he has yet to become. HOPE. You don't have to show us this. You don't have to tell us that it eventually happens. You just have to make Ari ENLIGHTENED at the end and we will easily fill in those blanks.

Other than the typos? I think this could work as a competition piece which could get you meetings and possibly a meeting with a streaming channel which is who I think would ultimately be interested.

When you're talking Hollywood and theatrical features? You're better off focusing on HIGH CONCEPT. No offense but this is not high concept. This story is NOT going to appeal to the masses.

That in and of itself is NOT a bad thing. I am NOT trying to tell you NOT to write it. If you're passionate about this story? By all means, WRITE IT! You can LEARN a HELL OF A LOT about writing by writing something you're passionate about. You can learn a lot about yourself too.

If you do decide to go ahead and write this? Don't worry too much about THIS one sheet. Once you've completed the spec, you can craft another one directly from the spec itself.

Good luck!
Hi again,
Thanks for the great input l, it’s greatly appreciated. I actually already wrote the script before writing that one page document. It was written during the quarantine in march. I’d love to know your input on the 90 page script. I can also explain the title to you if you’d like lol.
Thanks
Jason
 
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