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Critique my short script

I

Inarius

A badly disciplined soldier struggles to prove his innocence against his Master Sergeant, after the latter has judged him for 20 days in military prison for a theft he didn't commit.

This story happens entirely in a military base, so please forgive me for bad military slang (or lack of military slang) in English.

Justice in Uniform
 
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Well.. Personally I didn't enjoy it. The people talk like they are immature teenagers. Soldiers respect their superiors and they don't act like kids when they are charged. As for the trial, I don't think the person who is the victim is also allowed to be the judge. The trial is exceedingly boring. He stole a 5 dollar lock. The rest is pretty messy. The second trial made no sense at all. He accepted his guilt even though he wasn't guilty. There wasn't a revelation earlier that lead him to that choice.

I think you have to reevaluate the entire story. It isn't believable and the motives are very unclear.
 
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Thanks for the review.
About the trial, this is how the trial process happens. The officer, the charged person, and the Master Sergeant, no matter if he was the victim or not. As someone who served in the army, I know that soldiers not always respect their superiors. Eastern mentality, you know...

As for the rest, I will work better on explaining his motives, and why he accepted his guilt.
 
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these people had banned me for making sarcastic joke on them.\

the story written looks like you are making fun of western style.

i love western style of story writing.
but the region you come from , these kind of story writing exist.

another story bit far from your region.
from afghanistan,
I wrote it in Israel style.
hope you don't hate it.

Guy from canada wants to be martyr and takes his share of property and ends up in afghan .
donates whole money to organisation and seeks death of martyr(suicide bomber).
org leader promises him.but, the other guy afghan who had before initialized for that day project becomes dissopointed by this.
reason of dissopointment :

In afghan warlord ship culture , not all fight for free.
they get paid for fighting(one big pay for whole season,like8 months). to blow up them self , they charge more.afghan guy had idea to get the money and lend it to his family so that thay migrate to pakistan and do some street business with that money and settle down there for ever.
The only way opf earning that money this martyr way.
org leader had assured him and given half the money . with other half money his family would be crossing the border and survive.
before the other half would reach him , this basturd paki guy from canda had landed there.
the ego happens between these both ready for suicide pact.
afghan accuses the other guy for ruining the future of his family.
canada guy accuses afghan guy for being selfish about his family and taking money for blowing up him self.
canada guy says 'allah won't accept filthy contribution of yours.
do it for allah, not for your family' .
canada guy talks filthy about afghan guy parents and family.
afghan guy can't resist , he roars on him.
org leader intervene and stops.
leader provides status quo for caNADA GUY. this afghan guy doesn't like it.

In search of money , he becomes double agent .
western fellow promises him money, and says he will leave for his home and be back again .
asks him to gain more perfect info of bombing place.
afghan guy stops him and says,"home , u mean london'
yup, weastern guy.
afghan,'I had a rich cousin .he still might be in london.
he used visit us in childhood daYS with his english toys .
there was one toy wearinf suite walk and do drumset sound.
while leaving he had gifted me that one.
it was with me for long time .
i wish i could buy one of those toys for my kids too.
how much might it cost, buy from money you have to give me.
western guy,'might be some 3 or 5 pounds , i'll gift it for free to you'

afghan guy , thank you.

weastern guy - ' what if some one sees your kid plaYING with western toy?

Afghan guy pause for a while.
afghan guy- 'thats right. if they see my 3 yr old kid playing with english toy sitting on mud, they might arrest my kid. if my 3 yr old kid gets proved guilty ......my kid will be hanged or shot.
better not bring it. just get me the whole money . that much is enough.
and make sure , after i provide info my whole family flew safely to pak.
i promise i'll stay loyal to you for whole decade if necessary.
 
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I won't hate anything you'll write. I believe in freedom of self-expression.
I just don't see how is this Israeli style. :)

The most ironic thing is that everyone in Israel who see what I write, tell me that I should stop trying to write in Hollywood style. Moreover, they tell me to stop trying to copy Torrantino's style. And honestly, I have no idea what are they talking about :)

About your story, it seems to me as a Dark comedy, or a tragedy in Shakespear's style. I think it will work better as a tragedy, where one of them (or both) eventually explode themselves.
 
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so ,you not one of those rich jew.
you seem to be ordinary jew.

wait ! what is an ordinary jew?

the one just with talent and yet to make money !!
may be i've met you too early !!
bye !

best of luck
 
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I don't know what are you trying to say. Are you saying that rich jews would hate this story? Or that every jew eventually becomes rich?

Anyway, what do you think I should improve in my story?
 
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your story doesn't demand meaning for the sacrifice of that young guy.
if the region says , it the way it exist like then just do it.
don't compromise.
if it for region like Hollywood , then bit changes are necessary.
hollywood, the young guy should have a reason not to argue against the charge and just accept it.
not just humanity shield.something more.
superior's wife meets him , she might offer him something in return.
not overwhelmed , but no other way .... he just accepts it .
it's superior guy who feels guilty even though he is in position of not being framed.
 
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Thanks for the review
Do you mean that the guy should have a good reason NOT to argue? But he does. He appeals.
About the wife, you mean she should meet the guy and offer him something that will give him a reason to take the blame on himself?
 
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i din't say she should go and meet him.
make the situation appear / happen they face each other.

that young guy sacrifice for nothing will sound like looser and asshole.

what is he ?

he sees gay on street un happy.
asks him to come and fuck his ass!

just make up something.
don't go that seriously emotional.

just fake it .
and just fuck it.

no one cares about aesthetic nor humanity.

just keep it real.
you seem to have become arab!!
may be proud moment for you.
it is considered shameful act in western world.
even in short movie section.
 
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