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Critique my short screenplay

Anyone? It's only 6 pages!

I thought it was pretty gripping, but the end made no sense to me. I'm assuming there's some kind of twist or unnatural element, but I didn't understand it. There's all these weird things happening (lights, footsteps, girl disappearing), but it never really concluded (unless I missed the last page?)
 
I thought it was pretty gripping, but the end made no sense to me. I'm assuming there's some kind of twist or unnatural element, but I didn't understand it. There's all these weird things happening (lights, footsteps, girl disappearing), but it never really concluded (unless I missed the last page?)

A couple more pages to finish the scene properly and you'd have a serviceable pre-title prologue.

Thanks for the feedback.
 
The action is quite well-written, but the dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The story doesn't make a whole lot of sense. If there was meant to be a hint of an explanation in what went on, I totally missed it.
 
hey is it just me, or is page 4 missing. Also is this suppose to be a thriller mystery with elements of suspense? As far as I understand either he is tripping balls, but its only weed so that's not the case or some one is following him, which means that either the man in the begging of the story or some other character is.
Also i have to agree that the dialogue needs fixing, to make it seem more real and to tie the "Story" together.
 
The opening of the script was gripping, as mentioned in other responses. I thought the writing was good and you got right to the action in the beginning, which immediately drew me into the script. But after the hold-up, I kind of got lost. If you made the last three pages about the cops trying to find the two people that committed the hold-up, then the tension that you established well in the beginning would continue throughout the script. Maybe the two criminals are holed up in an apartment, having a shoot out with the local police with helicopters and the evening news present. That would keep the tension escalating and even give you a climax in your six pages. Good job though! Keep rewriting!
 
hurm. yeah, i feel like it's the beginning of something. yeah the dialogue sucks dick, but i'm actually the same way with dialogue, i tend to only write the effect of the lines and let my director and actors figure out the exact delivery, hence changing it entirely. though i've never heard a stoner use "munchies." ever. haha. also, anyone who smokes regularly can handle themselves when stoned, i've never ran to the tub filled with paranoia...

my real problem with it is in it's entire concept, i'm sorry, but i can't say how sick i am of reading convenience store stick ups for short films. whether it's a scene or the story, i'm sick of it, it's played out. action is exciting, guns are exciting, i get it i get it. but WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW! have you ever been in a stick up situation, have you ever stole cash from a till?? if the answer is "no" to either, don't write it cause i'm not gonna believe it. say something true, tell me something about you or your life in your writing. what are you trying to say with this script? what drove these characters to this breaking point? i want that answer, otherwise, i don't care about them or what happens to them. if you can't answer that clearly, simply, easily, then i honestly don't think it's worthwhile to write it

that said, i do like some of your action writing, it's succinct, i can picture it, but is it HONEST?
 
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Well, it wasn't bad. I have no idea what happened at the end. Did she leave him? Was she a ghost? We didn't know anything about her either. I thought she was a sister or something, but it sounds like she was a girlfriend? There was no emotion when she wasn't in the kitchen. Nobody really cared about her. We really only had a connection to the two main people. Dialogue is a little weird like mentioned earlier. The thing I really don't like is the clique story. Two guys rob a store, then they leave, stress about getting caught, do drugs. There is no twist, no way to relate to the characters. Another thing, why did they rob the store? Were they just greedy? Did they need money for medical bills?

Good luck!
 
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