hurm. yeah, i feel like it's the beginning of something. yeah the dialogue sucks dick, but i'm actually the same way with dialogue, i tend to only write the effect of the lines and let my director and actors figure out the exact delivery, hence changing it entirely. though i've never heard a stoner use "munchies." ever. haha. also, anyone who smokes regularly can handle themselves when stoned, i've never ran to the tub filled with paranoia...
my real problem with it is in it's entire concept, i'm sorry, but i can't say how sick i am of reading convenience store stick ups for short films. whether it's a scene or the story, i'm sick of it, it's played out. action is exciting, guns are exciting, i get it i get it. but WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW! have you ever been in a stick up situation, have you ever stole cash from a till?? if the answer is "no" to either, don't write it cause i'm not gonna believe it. say something true, tell me something about you or your life in your writing. what are you trying to say with this script? what drove these characters to this breaking point? i want that answer, otherwise, i don't care about them or what happens to them. if you can't answer that clearly, simply, easily, then i honestly don't think it's worthwhile to write it
that said, i do like some of your action writing, it's succinct, i can picture it, but is it HONEST?