Planning to shoot it in early February. Any suggestions/comments are most welcome!!
https://www.dropbox.com/s/dpf072rryhze2eu/Missed Call Draft 2.pdf
https://www.dropbox.com/s/dpf072rryhze2eu/Missed Call Draft 2.pdf
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critique Critique my script - Short Thriller/Sci Fi
- Thread starter Young_Director
- Start date
I usually don't say this but... That was SO good! In the beginning, the dialogue was a little flat, and when she got the phone call I just rolled my eyes thinking "great, another cheesy CIA thing". But the story got so interesting so quickly, I forgot about all of that; I love things to do with time travel
Good work!
Hey,
Very cool concept for a short film... it was definitely very engaging, that's what you want in a short film... and I'm a sucker for anything to do with time travel... lol
So in the future there is a way to contact people in the past through a phone time machine, right? This reminds me a little of Steins;Gate.
Anyway... Um, I would say make it more believable... there is a lot of room for improvement. The concept is there. But the rest, the details can be improved, the dialogues can be certainly sharper, and it can be a lot more stylized, just the overall feel of it. It can be edgier. When I say more believable, I mean it just felt that Samantha got convinced too easily. Sure, what Billy told her might surprise someone, but you don't go from that to believing some form of time travel exists and killing someone so violently. It felt a little too crazy.
You can solve this, though. Just add an element of memory recollection, and increase the number of times Billy has tried this. Billy tries this 1000s of times, he is obsessed, and Samantha's memories from all these alternate realities, these several different timelines will start to merge. She will experience some sort of déjà vu. When she is talking to Billy, we can see flashes of Samantha experiencing déjà vu. Because even though everything that happens before Sam talks to Billy must be exactly the same, after the call everything can be different, every conversation she has had with Billy must've been slightly different, or even a lot different. He might not mention something this time around that she remember from before, and maybe she asks about it. Billy could have been trying this for years, so maybe he was in a different location before, in a war-zone, and she could hear bombs going off in the background, and now he is in a safer location, and a lot more quiet, so maybe she goes: "Why aren't the bombs going off? I remember talking to you before, there were bombs going off." That's a rushed example, you can come up with something cooler. But you get the idea. And that's another thing, there is just so much room for cool stuff, and tricky clever moments when dealing with time travel and the like, so make full use of it.
One last thing, don't make Billy say he has been working on a machine or whatever, mankind just manages to make this time machine in the future, Billy is just making use of it, he is not some mad scientist/genius. Just a lonely guy who yearns for the love of a mother in a future world where humanity has lost its mind.
And if possible try to start with a better pacing before the time travel stuff ('cause that is sure to thrill anyway), make the dialogues more clever so people are immediately engaged.
Overall you have some great stuff in your hand, but still work on it more... don't rush it... you still have time before you start shooting. Try to watch other time travel stuff out there, maybe it will strike some new inspiration and new ideas. Best of luck!
Put this into production ASAP!
That was really good and the thing about it is that it has all the elements that make an entertaining time travel story. Excellent work.
That was really good and the thing about it is that it has all the elements that make an entertaining time travel story. Excellent work.
This would make a good short or feature if it is expanded. Kinda reminds me of Source Code.
The main issue is that she tries to escape a threat that doesn't yet exist. A detective with no murder. So it is going to be talking,talking,talking on the phone with absolutely nothing happening until the last 30-60sec.
Also,pls correct me if I am wrong,as far as I understood the only reason she gets shot is because she stabbed a random fella (thinking he was a killer). Sooo,why does running away didn't work for her last time? Or calling the cops?
Also,pls correct me if I am wrong,as far as I understood the only reason she gets shot is because she stabbed a random fella (thinking he was a killer). Sooo,why does running away didn't work for her last time? Or calling the cops?
I don't have anything to add, the others put it well, I just wanted to say I enjoyed it. Please get good actors!
I usually don't say this but... That was SO good! In the beginning, the dialogue was a little flat, and when she got the phone call I just rolled my eyes thinking "great, another cheesy CIA thing". But the story got so interesting so quickly, I forgot about all of that; I love things to do with time travel
Good work!
Thanks, I really appreciate that
-- I'll work on the flat dialogue in the beginning. I just wanted to introduce her boring, mundane mornings. I'm glad you liked it!! It means a lot.
Thank you! It reminding you of Source Code made my night!
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it, I'll definitely look for the best actors I can get. The film depends on their (especially Samantha's) performance.
Thing is, there's a time restraint on the film. It can't be longer than 10 minutes. We did test shots for one page which ended up being one and half minutes. So adding what you suggested will not make it just more complicated but will take the film over the 10 minute line [the deja vu bit].
I definitely agree though that she believes him too fast. But time is of the essence and I have no idea how to give her more compelling proof without adding 2/3 pages to it. I mean if you look at most time travel movies where time traveling hasn't been established it takes a good half an hour (AT LEAST!) for the main character to believe it.
Yup, it's a bit talkative, but this is a one location film so I don't know what else I can add to have her be more active. Her identifying the killer is the only thing that seems plausible (for now).
Yes, she gets shot because she killed Jermaine. But the only reason she killed him was because of the call from the future. It's a bit of a time paradox.
The running away bit didn't work because:
You can't escape destiny, a bit like Final Destination, whatever happens she'll end up dead. So the person driving the story isn't really Samantha but her son, Billy. The 'story' will end if he accepts the fact that he can't save her.
Not mentioning that bit would result in the obvious plot hole of: why doesn't she just run away?
Thanks for the notes, both of you!
I think there's a few things you could do to try to add more detail into this short so that you can still be under the ten minute mark with all that you want to be in it:
1. When Samantha answers the first time instead of having static on the line jump right in with Billy saying something like "Listen to me and listen very carefully. At 9:15 this morning you will die unless you follow my instructions exactly."
The reasons why this should happen earlier are because a) the static on the line doesn't really do much so it can be dropped, b) we don't need to know what time it is at this point because later when Billy says the time she dies she looks at the time to see it's 8:59 and c) it conveys more urgency with Billy since this isn't the first time he's done this (and I agree it should be more than the 9th time) so at this point he would be very frustrated at his lack of success.
Then you could have the scene as it normally proceeds with her hanging up not believing what he says, her boss entering, Jermaine and Frederick entering etc and then having Billy ring once more and when he does this time, skip him saying asking Samantha whether it's her or not - it's not needed for the audience or for the character because if this is the 9th + time Billy has gone through this he doesn't need to clarify those details.
Right there, going by the 1 page = 1 minute guideline you have cut out almost 2 mins.
2. For the audience to understand that it's not the first time you can still have Billy tell Samantha the things that are going to happen just before they do. You can also keep the part where Billy says:
"You married Jacob Mahone on the Fifteenth of January and divorced him on the second of February the year after. The year I was born. You told everyone that he left you, but that wasn't true was it? You left him. You feared for my life.
Samantha could then respond: I don't know who you are but how did you know that about me?
Then have Billy tell Samantha about the things that are going to happen in the office before they happen but instead of telling her bit by bit have him say it all together in a hurried manner: "In a couple of seconds Jermaine is going to sneeze and then Frederick gives him a disgusting look, Jermaine says what are you lookin at and by the way don't drop the pen!"
Billy speaking in this way is another indicator to the audience of his frustration. Then the rest of the scene goes as it does with Samantha cupping her hand over the mouth piece and saying to Jermaine and Frederick "Are you in on this?" etc.
3. When it gets to the part where Samantha asks Billy "What report" have Billy say something like:
"Look we don't have time for this. You will be dead at 9:15 do you understand me? Dead. One of those people with you is the killer."
Samantha looks at the time and sees that it's 9:00 and then looks at Jermaine and Frederick. Then Billy can say: "Don't call the cops, don't run away, we've tried it before. You need to do something and you need to do it right now.
Then the rest of the story proceeds as normal.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I know that's a lot of information to take in and it's only a suggestion you don't have to change it to how the suggestion goes.
In summary if you want to have a bit more room to put in some of the other suggestions given here as feedback then taking out some of the parts that don't need to be there will give you that room.
In any case I cannot wait to see the finished product!
1. When Samantha answers the first time instead of having static on the line jump right in with Billy saying something like "Listen to me and listen very carefully. At 9:15 this morning you will die unless you follow my instructions exactly."
The reasons why this should happen earlier are because a) the static on the line doesn't really do much so it can be dropped, b) we don't need to know what time it is at this point because later when Billy says the time she dies she looks at the time to see it's 8:59 and c) it conveys more urgency with Billy since this isn't the first time he's done this (and I agree it should be more than the 9th time) so at this point he would be very frustrated at his lack of success.
Then you could have the scene as it normally proceeds with her hanging up not believing what he says, her boss entering, Jermaine and Frederick entering etc and then having Billy ring once more and when he does this time, skip him saying asking Samantha whether it's her or not - it's not needed for the audience or for the character because if this is the 9th + time Billy has gone through this he doesn't need to clarify those details.
Right there, going by the 1 page = 1 minute guideline you have cut out almost 2 mins.
2. For the audience to understand that it's not the first time you can still have Billy tell Samantha the things that are going to happen just before they do. You can also keep the part where Billy says:
"You married Jacob Mahone on the Fifteenth of January and divorced him on the second of February the year after. The year I was born. You told everyone that he left you, but that wasn't true was it? You left him. You feared for my life.
Samantha could then respond: I don't know who you are but how did you know that about me?
Then have Billy tell Samantha about the things that are going to happen in the office before they happen but instead of telling her bit by bit have him say it all together in a hurried manner: "In a couple of seconds Jermaine is going to sneeze and then Frederick gives him a disgusting look, Jermaine says what are you lookin at and by the way don't drop the pen!"
Billy speaking in this way is another indicator to the audience of his frustration. Then the rest of the scene goes as it does with Samantha cupping her hand over the mouth piece and saying to Jermaine and Frederick "Are you in on this?" etc.
3. When it gets to the part where Samantha asks Billy "What report" have Billy say something like:
"Look we don't have time for this. You will be dead at 9:15 do you understand me? Dead. One of those people with you is the killer."
Samantha looks at the time and sees that it's 9:00 and then looks at Jermaine and Frederick. Then Billy can say: "Don't call the cops, don't run away, we've tried it before. You need to do something and you need to do it right now.
Then the rest of the story proceeds as normal.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I know that's a lot of information to take in and it's only a suggestion you don't have to change it to how the suggestion goes.
In summary if you want to have a bit more room to put in some of the other suggestions given here as feedback then taking out some of the parts that don't need to be there will give you that room.
In any case I cannot wait to see the finished product!