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Cratique Please

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To be honest, this is still a difficult read. It's not formatted properly. The font isn't standard, some of the character names are off centre, you've got page breaks in the middle of dialogue... I don't know what software you're using, but it's not working right! Do yourself a favour and download CELTX. It's excellent and it'll fix all of those problems for you.

As for the writing itself, unfortunately your spelling and grammar aren't brilliant, so it's quite off-putting. I commented early in this thread:

http://www.indietalk.com/showthread.php?t=30401

...but I decided not to comment again, because so many people (especially rayw and FantasySciFi's later posts) had already given you some really great advice, more than I could have. Go re-read their posts and keep working at it. Slowly but surely it'll all start to even out and you could be left with something pretty good.

As a quick example, this is the most obvious mistake, with a huge amount of punctuation missing:

MICHELLE
Relationship We had no relationship. Like well i
had sex with the quarterback but never the other 2.
I am like no slut> Just cause you have sex with a few
guys people think you are a slut but i never had sex with
more than one guy at a time well there was like one time
that 3 way but that was only once and there was that
gangbang but beer was involved but that does not make
me a slut that makes me experienced and there is nothing
wrong with experience you know what they say about....

Read this aloud as you have written it. This definately needs fixing. I'm not 100% sure, but I bet if you copied this into Microsoft Word, it would suggest several changes to add the correct punctuation. I'd suggest it should read:

MICHELLE
Relationship? We had no relationship. Like, well, I
had sex with the quarterback, but never the other two.
I'm no slut! Just 'cause you have sex with a few
guys people think you're a slut, but I never had sex with
more than one guy at a time. Well, there was, like, one time...
That three-way. But that was only once. And there was that
gangbang, but beer was involved. That doesn't make
me a slut. That makes me experienced and there is nothing
wrong with experience. You know what they say about....

At least, that's how I'd write it.

As far as the story goes, one initial thought would be that in the very first scene we're introduced to three people, who perform a ritual and become these demon like beings. Are they pure antagonists or are they anti-hero types? The way you introduce us to them as normal-ish people, then all of a sudden have them change and then very quickly butcher a bunch of jocks who nobody cares about, it all seems a bit confusing.

Sorry if I sound like I'm being mean, I'm just trying to help. Good luck with any future re-writes. Don't hesitate to post anything else up for critique!
 
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Ok first I wrote the michelle part with no punctuation on purpose. It suppost to be rattled out as fast as posable. I tried to fix the spelling as much as posable. For the script writer i am using it is not the same thing i am posting with. Unfortunatly it saves only in a format that is not compatable with any thing else. So thats me coping and pasteing into open office and tring to reformat there. Unfortunatly it does not work to well. Other than the formating any suggestions.
 
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The down and dirty:
1. So far you have a collection of scenes but no story.
2. You have no characters that viewers can care about.
3. The scenes basically have 'talking heads', that is, everyone is sitting around in circles talking to each other.
4. Punctuation, spelling, and grammar continue to be important issues.
5. It seems like a nostalgic B-movie from the 50s.

Honestly, it takes time to write a script. It takes even more time to write a good script. And even many more revisions to make a production quality script. For a first effort, you are doing well, but you are still mastering skills.

Formatting is only a piece of the process. You need to develop your story. Browse back through this section and you'll find tons of comments. Second you need to structure the story. As I've told you, you need to put the action between the dialogue. Make the dialogue tight and relevant.

Mad Hatter gave good advice about the punctuation. In the case of rambling, you make a note:

Code: 
                    MICHELE
            (rambling)
Relationship? We had no relationship. Like, well, I 
had sex with the quarterback, but never the other two. 
I'm no slut! Just 'cause you have sex with a few ...

What you are struggling with I have seen many new writers struggle with. A string of events (scenes) is not the same as a story. In a story, you introduce the heroes and villains in the beginning and introduce the conflict. In the middle you heighten the conflict. Finally, you provide a resolution. Your movie kind of jumps into the middle. I get the sense that Steve is a hero and gets Ursula in the end but they need to be introduced in the beginning. It also helps to know why Alexa, George, and Alfonzo are in the woods and how they get involved. These spirits are now free after centuries, how did that come about? You have lots of potential story material that is waiting to be developed. Lots of it needs to come first before you jump into the killing.

When you deal with that, you address the initial problems. Suddenly the scenes have a meaning that serve as the bridge from the beginning to the end. The characters are now relevant and less superficial. If you look at my example you can make the scenes more dynamic and less 'talking head' which will make the film more alive.

I kind of like the nostalgic B-movie feel but that will fade and become more contemporary as the characters and plot become more engaging. Unfortunately, the spelling, grammar and punctuation will fall squarely on your shoulders.

That's the down and dirty of it.
 
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Okay, so the formatting of this new version is much better, far more readable. There are a few mistakes, where you haven't hit return/tab before typing some of the text, so it throws the formatting out. Read through it again and you should spot them quite easily.

You haven't adjusted any of the grammar and punctuation, so that really still needs addressing. When you mis-punctuate things, like the Michelle rant (and a lot of the other characters dialogue (I assume they're not all rambling along hurriedly?)), it makes it difficult to read, forcing somebody (myself) to have to read it three or four times to make sense of it.

The dialogue doesn't sound natural. One of the biggest problems is the fact that you write things like "can not" instead of "can't", "I am" instead of "I'm", "we are" instead of "we're", etc, etc... You do this a lot. People don't talk that way. Write it the way it really would be said. It'll make the dialogue much more naturalistic.

As for the Michelles rambling, Fantasy is right, you can just add the note as a parenthetical. What I would also do, is mention this in the action before hand. After Smyth has asked his question, I might write, as an action, something like: 'Michelle responds enthusiastically, speaking quickly, barely pausing for breath'. Not sure if this is acceptable as standard, but it would help convey the way it should be spoken. Either way, it needs punctuating, just to make it readable.

As I mentioned earlier, your introduction to the antogonists left me a little confused. I don't know anything about them (am I supposed to?), I don't know why they do what they do (do I need to?), I don't know if I'm supposed to like them or hate them (or is it a bit of both?). Assuming they're supposed to be pure baddies, as apposed to anti-heroes, I'd build them up a bit more. Open with them driving to the woods, talking about mundane things, start off with them as ordinary people. Let us slowly realise that these are the bad guys. Perhaps we hear muffled screams, a noise coming from the boot of the car. When they arrive at the woods, they open the boot to reveal a young girl tied up. This would let us know that they are really evil and that they mean business. They then march her though the woods to the place where they will hold the ritual. They light a series of candles, small actions like this can help give the reader a better picture of what's going on. I'd also have the possession be a mistake. They're just there to sacrifice a virgin. The ritual ends up releasing these demons that possess their bodies.

The jocks are sat around a campfire. That's all we know. Tell us more. Give us some descriptions. Are they sat on the floor? Drinking beers perhaps? Build them up just a little bit. We've known these jocks for maybe twenty seconds and suddenly they're dead. That's it. I know they're only there as cannon fodder, but give us a reason to care just a little bit.

You have one scene as 'EXT. FEILD CAMPFIRE - NIGHT', then shortly after 'EXT. THE FIELD WHERE JOCKS WHERE KILLED - DAY'. These should be the same (except for the night/day, of course!).

I know it's been mentioned before, but people don't really say other peoples names as they are talking to them, only if they're in a group or trying to get somebodies attention. The Klara character, who does this over and over, is a bit wierd. I assume you put that in there intentionally, but it's just strange. I'd make her slightly more normal.

I hope all this gives you something to think about. Keep working at it, you'll soon improve!
 
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