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Constructive critisicm on my short flim script?

R

RealJasonBourne

Im making a short film about two guys at a graveyard looting stuff. heres the first part

EXT. GRAVEYARD - NIGHT
We see two guys from the distance. One is digging a grave, and the other is leaning against a tombstone.

The shovel hits the dirt and stops.

CLAYTON
Man... Give me 5 more minutes.

MAX
What!? You just had a break!

CLAYTON
Come on, I’m the one who’s been doing all the work. You take the shovel for once!

MAX
Hey I’m the one who’s been lifting the suits off the corpses. Unless you want to get up close and personal with a dead man, you’re doing the digging.

CLAYTON
Fine.

Clayton begins digging again. Then stops.

CLAYTON (CONT’D)
And how do you know this isn’t a waste of time? Who’s gonna buy a dirty old suit?

MAX
There are kids looking for tuxedos every year. It’s called graduation. We can sell these for $1000 a pop in no time.

CLAYTON
What about the smell?

MAX
What about the smell? Stick an air freshener inside them for a day. Now quit asking questions and get to work!
Clayton continues digging, until he hits a chest.

MAX (CONT’D)
Another grand in the bag.

CLAYTON
Finally...

MAX
Hurry. Get it out.
He continues to dig around it and they kneel to pull it out.

CLAYTON
What the hell... This one is smaller than the others.

MAX
Oh my god, please tell me we did not just waste an hour digging up mini-me’s casket.

They both pull it out of the ground.

CLAYTON
This isn’t a coffin...


are the characters too boring?
 
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I need to ask... do you say this to reveal to the audience that this grave-robber is a dimwitted fool? Or are you just guessing at how much tuxes cost? :hmm:

Also... why do they need to stop digging each time they talk?

are the characters too boring?
Click to expand...

Well, there's not a lot to judge them by, so far. They are grave-robbers; Max (apparently) has experience, and Clayton is a rookie. They are digging. That's it. That's literally all you wrote (that matters).

What motivates them to do this to begin with?

are the characters too boring?
Click to expand...

Re-quoting to throw in a different angle.

How an everyday character reacts to extraordinary events may be a better indicator of 'character' than filler dialogue.

So what's in the box?

.
 
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Your idea is great. When I set my eyes on it in the first line it had me thinkinh - WHY?
But let me be honest about what i think!

There are kids looking for tuxedos every year. It’s called graduation. We can sell these for $1000 a pop in no time.
Click to expand...


Zensteve is right. The script starts right in the action and ends somewhere within the action. They have told us the reason for looting these graves - Which is just a joke.

Plus, you need more detail and action. The other guy can't just stand there and watch since this is the only scene in the movie. He is the brains - as it looks. But have him preoccupy himself. Bring in props - like cigars(Such men do cigars a lot), and you already have the suits. you can have him do something creative and interesting with the suits.

And in your script, you should work towards answering the questions burning at the front of my mind
- How long have these guys been digging(This guy rather who seems to be lazy). Would it not take a whole night of hard work to extract just 2 suits.
- Plus, don't those suits decompose. Or do they know exactly which graves are fresh.
-Has he been doing this? Coz the guy digging is evidently new in the business.

ITS A GREAT IDEA. BUT YOU ARE JUST RUSHING IT.
 
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Too short of the snippet to judge properly.

Here are few notes:

1. Cut out exposition.
Do we really need to know,NOW why are they digging graves?
Show don't tell - is it the best way to SHOW what they are doing?

2. Adding more character as previously proposed is a cool idea.
usually contrast looks very well. put something nice in there,that def doesn't belong to the scene.

What if he has to look after someone's baby? So one guy is digging graves while the other plays with a baby. I think it is pretty hilarious, makes audience question wtf is going on. Than a bit of exposition, or flashback or w/e will work much better. It could be a type of story of "let me tell you how we got here"

So overall , too much talking not enough action. post longer version,if you like more specific feedback
 
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ChimpPhobiaFilms said:
Hello new dude :cool:

More details would be nice.
Click to expand...

You don't NEED more details. The above is just fine. You're slug establishes the location. Your description lines establish the action. Two men are in a graveyard. One is digging. One is leaning. Nuff said. If anything you could actually cut out the "We see two guys from the distance" as the director would most likely set up the shot to his liking. But since you're making this short film and it's not a spec script, you can write it however you want.

DERI - To your comment, this isn't the only scene in the movie. He states in his initial post that this is the first part.

I like that the one character is doing nothing while the other character is digging. The act of not participating tells a lot about his character and his dialog supports that.

I think what you have is fine. I don't think it's that exposition heavy. All scripts have exposition, even the good ones. The art is doing it in a clever way. The Matrix has HEAVY exposition. They got away with it though because one character was yanked out of the Matrix and had no clue what was going on. The other character told him the truth. This is 100% heavy exposition...

Anyways, back to your story. You're almost there. Hit that Catalyst. I'm guessing the Catalyst will be the moment they dig up the grave. What would be neat is if the person inside the casket is still alive. That would really through us through a loop. They crack that coffin open and a guy jumps out. That sparks a lot of questions and prepares you for the second act. Who buried this guy alive? What did he do to deserve such treatment? Etc. That opens up the world a bit for you to explore and take the viewers with you.

Good luck!
 
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Some of your dialogue does not sound right. Some of it is expositional too - ie it's being said for the benefit of the audience, so it sounds somewhat staged.

Dialogue is the biggest issue I find with most non-pro scripts here on IT. Most also have a weak story.

Your story could be an interesting one so that's a plus.

And as is, the dialogue is not very bad - just needs some work. So that's a positive.

These articles will help a lot:

How to Write Great Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/how-to-write-great-dialogue.php

Avoid Expositional Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/expositional-dialogue.php

Avoid 'On-the-nose' Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/on-the-nose-dialogue.php
 
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