Can you say what do you think about my screenplay?

[matan869]

Please ignore the format or the spelling/grammar, it will be corrected, and it's not in english anyway.
do you think the conflict and the resolution are fine? its for a conflict short movie i should do for university next week.

Thanks.


1. Out. First desert area. Day
Yossi, 26, a nice guy but also tough when necessary and Yaron, 27, a geek who tries to be cool, standing in a desolate area, Yaron's old car in the background is smoking with open hood.

Yossi
I knew I should not travel with you.

Yaron
What do you want? You wanted me to bring the car.

Yossi
You could not check all fuel water oil properly before?

Yaron
Ok then what do we do now?

Yossi looks at his mobile phone.

Yossi
Pick up only here in the Jordanian network.. Go to the gas station and get the stuff.

Yaron
It's really far!

Yossi
Not really.. 40 minutes and you're there. If you run, 20 minutes.

Yaron
You go!

Yossi gives Yaron the "do what I tell you before you'll regret it" look.


Yossi
Because of who are we stuck here? because of me or because of you? Come on I'm waiting for you here.

2. Out. Second desert area. Day
Yaron walking in the desert to the gas station .. He is tired and barely moving, very warm. Is sweating and all red.

Yaron (V.O)
Why should I listen to it all the time, because once he saved my life? He never saved me, the fact that he snatched the bee in the Amazonas that does not mean it would have killed me, it's just a bee .. I'm not even allergic to bees.. I'm tired of his nonsense.

3. Out. First desert area. Day
Yossi sitting on a rock, lights a cigarette, playing music on his mobile phone.

4. Out. Gas station. Day
Yaron comes to the gas station. Buys a bottle of water and goes out. He sees that he's money ran out.

5. Out. First desert area. Day
Yossi looks at the time and sees that Yaron had not come back for nearly two hours. He walks toward the car and urinates in the fuel filler. After he pees, he closes the hood, enters the car. Trying to ignite the car, it works, and he drives to the gas station.

6. Out. Road opposite the gas station. Day
Yossi is in the car, and he sees Yaron playing backgammon with somebody there.

Yossi
What an asshole ... he can go look for his car now ..

7. Out. Gas station. Day
Yaron playing backgammon with some shady guy at the gas station, Yaron mixes the dice, throws, and gets six - six. Yaron wins the game.

Yaron
There! So we agreed you fix the car and take back me and my friend home.. Our destination will not be reached today.

Shady guy
Believe me, how lucky you are, I stand for my word.. Come on Come on, where do you live, tel aviv? ...

Yaron and the dubious guy leave the table.

End.

 

[FantasySciFi]

Needs a final emotional resolution

Putting aside the issues of grammar and spelling, you have an interesting concept but it does not have resolution. When they miss each other, the conflict increases.

I go back to the basic model of a story. What I'm going to talk about can be found at Michael Hauge's site: http://www.screenplaymastery.com/structure.htm

Act 1 - Set Up (introduce the characters and situation)
Act 2 - Introduce a New Situation and a Complication
Act 3 - Formulate a Plan of Action to Succeed (character throws self in headlong)
Act 4 - More Complications and Higher Stakes (usually a major setback)
Act 5 - Final Push to Succeed with it looking unlikely (suspenseful moment, climax)
Act 6 - Resolution and the Ever After

Applying this to your story:

Act 1 - Set Up (introduce the characters and situation)
-- Yossi, 26, a nice guy but also tough when necessary
-- Yaron, 27, a geek who tries to be cool,

Act 2 - Introduce a New Situation and a Complication
-- standing in a desolate area, Yaron's old car in the background is smoking with open hood.
-- cell phone does not work
-- 40 minutes back to the gas station in the desert

Act 3 - Formulate a Plan of Action to Succeed (character throws self in headlong)
-- Yaron walking in the desert to the gas station
-- Yossi, two hours later, walks to the car and urinates in the fuel filler.
-- He starts the car and drives to the gas station.

Act 4 - More Complications and Higher Stakes (usually a major setback)
-- Yossi is in the car, and he sees Yaron playing backgammon with somebody there.
-- Yossi thinks Yaron is an asshole for leaving him for two hours and drives off in the car.
-- Yaron comes to the gas station. Buys a bottle of water and goes out. He sees that he's money ran out.
-- Yaron wagers a shady guy at the gas station and wins the game.
-- Shady guy agrees to fix the car and take them home.

Act 5 - Final Push to Succeed with it looking unlikely (suspenseful moment, climax)
????

Act 6 - Resolution and the Ever After
????

You've done an excellent job, but you have not resolved the emotional issue in my opinion. One way to do that is to flip the roles--Yossi becomes 'weak' and Yaron becomes 'strong'. You also introduced a 'shady' character. While I might put the wager in the "Final Push", I really think of it as "Higher Stakes".

In Act 6 perhaps Yaron and the Shady Guy don't find the car and continue on to town. Yossi failed to realize they also needed gas and is stuck farther down the road. You raise the issue of them being obligated to each other because of the bees in the Amazon. By this rescue of Yossi, that debt could be repaid (resolution). Or Yossi could find himself stranded and needing to walk back twice as far. Etc. Somehow, Yossi needs to be made humble and Yaron needs to be made powerful. Even if we see the Shady Guy stop and then continue down the road to town with Yaron and flash back to see Yossi angry and hitting the car which is again steaming and smoking.

The Shady Guy is a really powerful figure in your story. Just winning the bet does not guarantee that the shady guy will keep his word. He can be kind and help them. Or he can be evil and cause them grief. Use him wisely to bring the story to a resolution. And I think with just a little thought you can bring it to a very pleasing resolution.

Your short has lots of potential.

 

[matan869]

Wow, amazing interpretation! You've helped a lot. I'll read further into Hauge's structure.

Thank you very much.
Matan

Putting aside the issues of grammar and spelling, you have an interesting concept but it does not have resolution. When they miss each other, the conflict increases.

I go back to the basic model of a story. What I'm going to talk about can be found at Michael Hauge's site: http://www.screenplaymastery.com/structure.htm

Act 1 - Set Up (introduce the characters and situation)
Act 2 - Introduce a New Situation and a Complication
Act 3 - Formulate a Plan of Action to Succeed (character throws self in headlong)
Act 4 - More Complications and Higher Stakes (usually a major setback)
Act 5 - Final Push to Succeed with it looking unlikely (suspenseful moment, climax)
Act 6 - Resolution and the Ever After

Applying this to your story:

Act 1 - Set Up (introduce the characters and situation)
-- Yossi, 26, a nice guy but also tough when necessary
-- Yaron, 27, a geek who tries to be cool,

Act 2 - Introduce a New Situation and a Complication
-- standing in a desolate area, Yaron's old car in the background is smoking with open hood.
-- cell phone does not work
-- 40 minutes back to the gas station in the desert

Act 3 - Formulate a Plan of Action to Succeed (character throws self in headlong)
-- Yaron walking in the desert to the gas station
-- Yossi, two hours later, walks to the car and urinates in the fuel filler.
-- He starts the car and drives to the gas station.

Act 4 - More Complications and Higher Stakes (usually a major setback)
-- Yossi is in the car, and he sees Yaron playing backgammon with somebody there.
-- Yossi thinks Yaron is an asshole for leaving him for two hours and drives off in the car.
-- Yaron comes to the gas station. Buys a bottle of water and goes out. He sees that he's money ran out.
-- Yaron wagers a shady guy at the gas station and wins the game.
-- Shady guy agrees to fix the car and take them home.

Act 5 - Final Push to Succeed with it looking unlikely (suspenseful moment, climax)
????

Act 6 - Resolution and the Ever After
????

You've done an excellent job, but you have not resolved the emotional issue in my opinion. One way to do that is to flip the roles--Yossi becomes 'weak' and Yaron becomes 'strong'. You also introduced a 'shady' character. While I might put the wager in the "Final Push", I really think of it as "Higher Stakes".

In Act 6 perhaps Yaron and the Shady Guy don't find the car and continue on to town. Yossi failed to realize they also needed gas and is stuck farther down the road. You raise the issue of them being obligated to each other because of the bees in the Amazon. By this rescue of Yossi, that debt could be repaid (resolution). Or Yossi could find himself stranded and needing to walk back twice as far. Etc. Somehow, Yossi needs to be made humble and Yaron needs to be made powerful. Even if we see the Shady Guy stop and then continue down the road to town with Yaron and flash back to see Yossi angry and hitting the car which is again steaming and smoking.

The Shady Guy is a really powerful figure in your story. Just winning the bet does not guarantee that the shady guy will keep his word. He can be kind and help them. Or he can be evil and cause them grief. Use him wisely to bring the story to a resolution. And I think with just a little thought you can bring it to a very pleasing resolution.

Your short has lots of potential.