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Beginning scriptwriter

M

mrscrouge

Hello IT, i just started reading a couple of books on scriptwriting (mainly scriptwriter's bible) about 2 weeks ago. I've always liked film, so I figured I'd get to know the inner workings of it a bit. I'm planning on buying some equipment (nothing big) and maybe making some shorts.
Anyway, I downloaded Celtx and started writing whatever came to mind. Its just a page, so if you guys can take a look at it and just pick it apart, critique it as much as possible, thatd be great.
I'm planning to continue it, but I have to keep on reading as well. So i'll post whenever I have more. Thanks!

HERE IT IS
 
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If it’s only 1 page you can also as an alternative just type it into a post here.
(That is if you don’t have questions on formatting.)

Like:

INT. HOUSE - DAY

Action Line……………….


CHARACTER NAME
Dialogue.


We are used to reading them in a column against the left margin, so no worries.

-Thanks-
 
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Looks like you've got the formatting down, for sure. Your dialog is short
and sweet and not exposition. Your action lines are in the present tense.
And it does feel like a piece of a larger story, so good job, you just avoided
most beginner mistakes.

My only suggestions (and I'm not one of the screenwriting gurus, so, grain
of salt, right?) would be to try and not put things in the action lines that
are not things you can literally see.

For example when you say "There is a pensive, yet apathetic look to her."
How do you show that? Just a couple ideas off the top of my head: Would
a pensive person be staring off into the distance? Would an apathetic
person have lit her cigarette, looked at it and thrown it away right away?

The only other (really small) thing is to avoid the whole 'we see' 'it is revealed'
type phrasing in the action lines. You only did this once: "The trunk of ADAM’s
car closes with the luggage seen inside."

Rephrase that to "A luggage bag sits in the open trunk of ADAMS car. ADAM
shoves down the lid." Or something like that.

Hope that helps and keep sharing your progress. You're off to a good start :)
 
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