• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

Advice on my first screenplay..

Sort by date Sort by votes
I think the concept is good and could be powerful but it stumbles in a few areas.

Format wise, you use too many parentheticals. Don't direct the actors from inside the script. That's the director's role, not the writer's. Your dialogue and scene descriptions should provide context for the actor and director to realize the scene. Use a parenthetical very sparingly. Especially with the beats or pauses. It is very annoying to me as a reader, actor and director. My honest advise is to strip them all out. A parenthetical is only used when the dialogue suggests opposite the intention. For example
Code: 
                             SARAH
                       (sarcastically)
                Oh, I love that hat!
Without the parenthetical, Sarah may be making an actual compliment. The (sarcastic) helps the actress know that is not the case.

If you're directing this, you correct the actor to get the delivery you want. Trust the actor.

Structurally I think the pacing dragged. Some of the dialogue was too one-the-nose or conversational. As a result, the ending was predictable.

Development wise, the characters were all rather flat and stereotypical. I didn't care or relate to any of them. As a result, I had to force myself to continue reading. If this were a contest script, I'd have passed.

I think it is a good start but needs to be reworked to remedy the issues mentioned above.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
It is very dialogue intense. It feels more like a play than a film script. Have them do something. I'd punctuate the encounters.

Matthias and his foster child work in the church. He starts happy. We see parishioners enter, one lights a candle but we never see his face. First confession that he's planning to murder someone. Now Matthias thinks he's talked him out of it. Then he learns of the death and is shaken. Daughter has made him dinner. We need to see her strength that she later shows to the killer. The killer starts describing her which makes the priest even more apprehensive. The girl senses this and relations become tense leading to the departure scene. More cat and mouse. I'd probably have Matthias confront God and seek guidance. The detective arrives the first time. Matthias nearly relents. The murder taunts him. Then he finds something of the girl left on the alter. He hears the man's confession. He threatens, forgive me and I will let her live. The priest knows he cannot. The detective reports the girl's murder. Priest converses with God. The murder comes and seeks confession. Your final sequence plays out.

You need to show the change in the girl from happy to sad. The change in the priest from happy to conflicted. The murder from confident to desperate. make them human and fallable. I hope that makes some sense and helps you.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Yes, that really helped. Thanks. Will work on it. The tough part will be fitting it into a short film. That's why I had to heavily rely on dialogues to move the story along, as I kept that as the priority, because of the duration of the film.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
I liked it, but agree it needs more action (or at least visual appeal). Unlike a lot of people on here (or so it seems) I actually like dialogue-heavy films, but to pull it off the dialogue has to be fantastic... the dialogue in this certainly could do with some tightening up. The character of Martha is also underdeveloped - her reaction doesn't seem to be rooted anywhere. I do like the priest's faith, sense of duty and stoicism though, even in the face of terrible things happening.

The other thing about dialogue-heavy films you plan to make yourself is that the actors need to be top-quality, which is quite hard to achieve for many indie films.

By the way, I do love the line about playing God. That's a great bit of writing :)
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top