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critique A TV show teaser.

Silly?
Link removed
(nevermind).
This sharing stuff makes me nervous, lol. Anyway :)
 
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The dialogue isn't bad, in terms of setting a conversational tone. There's not a lot of actual story beats for me to go on though, so it's hard to say much. This could be the beginning of Vanilla Sky, or it could be the beginning of Tremors, not enough to go on yet. I do like that your characters already seem intelligent.

My feedback would be to create a hook that telegraphs the core premise a bit, at least for a teaser format.

I'll give an example, I'm working on a chapter where 2 guys land at an off world spaceport, using fake identification because they are not authorized to land there. Within the first minute of that script, one describes to the other what their goal is at the port, and what will happen if the fake ID's are discovered. So you already know a good bit about the upcoming scenario within a few minutes, and there is already a psychological hook in play, as it's been described that they are trying to accomplish X, expect difficulties, and face stiff consequences if things go wrong. In a word, you need to establish what's at stake relatively early on. In a final product, it doesn't have to be so fast, but if you only give people a few pages, stakes need to be initiated within that frame.

A short excerpt -

"When we set down, the security team will check our paperwork as we get off the ship. The ID's are probably good enough, but don't give them any reason to look twice"

"And what if they don't pass inspection?"

"Space is limited and expensive here, so they don't have prisons"

"You mean-"

"hold on, we're in the landing pattern now, brace for deceleration, and remember, no eye contact"

So in just a few sentences we have mentioned an upcoming event, and imbued it with life or death stakes. The dialogue here is nothing special, but immediately the audience is wondering whether these characters will end up dead in the next few minutes.

It doesn't have to be that dramatic, but for a teaser you need to introduce some degree of your stakes as opposed to just your characters.
 
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The dialogue isn't bad, in terms of setting a conversational tone. There's not a lot of actual story beats for me to go on though, so it's hard to say much. This could be the beginning of Vanilla Sky, or it could be the beginning of Tremors, not enough to go on yet. I do like that your characters already seem intelligent.

My feedback would be to create a hook that telegraphs the core premise a bit, at least for a teaser format.

I'll give an example, I'm working on a chapter where 2 guys land at an off world spaceport, using fake identification because they are not authorized to land there. Within the first minute of that script, one describes to the other what their goal is at the port, and what will happen if the fake ID's are discovered. So you already know a good bit about the upcoming scenario within a few minutes, and there is already a psychological hook in play, as it's been described that they are trying to accomplish X, expect difficulties, and face stiff consequences if things go wrong. In a word, you need to establish what's at stake relatively early on. In a final product, it doesn't have to be so fast, but if you only give people a few pages, stakes need to be initiated within that frame.

A short excerpt -

"When we set down, the security team will check our paperwork as we get off the ship. The ID's are probably good enough, but don't give them any reason to look twice"

"And what if they don't pass inspection?"

"Space is limited and expensive here, so they don't have prisons"

"You mean-"

"hold on, we're in the landing pattern now, brace for deceleration, and remember, no eye contact"

So in just a few sentences we have mentioned an upcoming event, and imbued it with life or death stakes. The dialogue here is nothing special, but immediately the audience is wondering whether these characters will end up dead in the next few minutes.

It doesn't have to be that dramatic, but for a teaser you need to introduce some degree of your stakes as opposed to just your characters.
The dialogue isn't bad, in terms of setting a conversational tone. There's not a lot of actual story beats for me to go on though, so it's hard to say much. This could be the beginning of Vanilla Sky, or it could be the beginning of Tremors, not enough to go on yet. I do like that your characters already seem intelligent.

My feedback would be to create a hook that telegraphs the core premise a bit, at least for a teaser format.

I'll give an example, I'm working on a chapter where 2 guys land at an off world spaceport, using fake identification because they are not authorized to land there. Within the first minute of that script, one describes to the other what their goal is at the port, and what will happen if the fake ID's are discovered. So you already know a good bit about the upcoming scenario within a few minutes, and there is already a psychological hook in play, as it's been described that they are trying to accomplish X, expect difficulties, and face stiff consequences if things go wrong. In a word, you need to establish what's at stake relatively early on. In a final product, it doesn't have to be so fast, but if you only give people a few pages, stakes need to be initiated within that frame.

A short excerpt -

"When we set down, the security team will check our paperwork as we get off the ship. The ID's are probably good enough, but don't give them any reason to look twice"

"And what if they don't pass inspection?"

"Space is limited and expensive here, so they don't have prisons"

"You mean-"

"hold on, we're in the landing pattern now, brace for deceleration, and remember, no eye contact"

So in just a few sentences we have mentioned an upcoming event, and imbued it with life or death stakes. The dialogue here is nothing special, but immediately the audience is wondering whether these characters will end up dead in the next few minutes.

It doesn't have to be that dramatic, but for a teaser you need to introduce some degree of your stakes as opposed to just your characters.
Thanks, Nate, for taking the time. I absolutely get what you're saying. This was just a bit of something larger, an attempt at some snappy dialogue and a joke or two. The drama comes shortly, lol.

I agree, though. Without some dramatic context this isn't much of anything except me trying to be clever :)
--
And, by the way, that's a pretty deft handling of exposition in your little dialogue. If feels absolutely natural, and we learn what we need to. Not that easy to do.
 
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