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A few short scripts

E

Erik

Hello,

My name is Erik. I am 19 years old and an aspiring writer (/wannabe director :P). On an other forum I started writing some experimental short scripts so that people could give feedback on it.
The forum isn't big, and not mainly about filmmaking (it's just a small part of it), so I thought I might have a bigger chance here.

There are three scripts right now. First one was for a short animated movie, that actually should be in production, but I can't really get in touch with the producers anymore. I think the production is on hold.
http://eduweb.hhs.nl/~07014759/bumpyride.pdf

The second one is short horror/thriller. 13 (lucky) pages for a horror.
http://eduweb.hhs.nl/~07014759/files/the4th.pdf

The last one; The End Of A New Beginning is a historical drama with a world-changing twist in the end.
Reworked link: http://www.savefile.com/files/2082421

I hope to hear some reactions soon.

P.s. even though the second and third script weren't actually written to get produced, you can always contact me about it.
 
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All together these short stories are pretty well written. I would say that they need alittle work but for a 19 year old they are very good start. I read the first and second short stories and I liked them but I thought they would benefit from alittle focus. I liked the first story because it was strange and I could imagine it in my mind haveing a strange look but I didnt get the exactly what you were trying to get across with it. It seemed like someone wrote it so they could practice their animation skills or directing but since you said someone else is making it I don't understand why you wrote it.

For the second story I thought it was good. It was better than the first and it was interesting but I would tighten it up alittle bit and add small shots to increase the tension especially when the boys are telling him how they found the tape. I think it would help if they find the tape in the same area that the main character gets attacked just so almost immediately we realize that the tape was of him so he doesn't have to say it was his tape(show not tell). It would also help if there was a distinctive sound that also helps to reveal that it was a tape of him, something like a strange scream and something other strange sound. Besides some tightening up that's all. I really like this one and I hope my comments help you.
 
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Wauw, finally a reply!
Thanks for your input. I like honest reactions!

Well, let's start with the first one. I just started writting scripts for I think it was a month when someone on an other forum, not about movies but Theme Parks, started a project. He got the idea to make a 3D Animated short movie with people from the forum. I decided to sign up for it, because I thought I could use the experience. The theme of the story was theme parks or fun fairs. So I started writting and this came out.
My work on this project is done, but I don't really know how far the other people are, so that's basically it.

The second one was mainy written for feedback from guys like you. Basically the idea was to write a few shorts and put them on places like this. The feedback will help me.

You are talking about small shots for a better tension. Do you mean like flashbacks/ -forwards? I can see what you mean. I haven't really used flashes before. I can try!
As for your idea of 'realising it's his tape', nice point of view! Might work better your way! Thanks!
 
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Okay for the first one that's what I thought. It was good I just didn't understand if you wrote it for someone else or abandoned an animation hobby or something.

And the second one I did mean flashbacks. Sorry for not being more clear. Just a few cut to: two kids walking up to...., just so you can show more action and keep it interesting. Also to create a creepy feel with some slow canted shots or whatever you feel neccesary. I really liked these stories and when I get more time I'll read the last short story and comment on that one. Once again I hope this helps.
 
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Alright, thank you very much! It feels great to finaly have an honest opinion. I mean, I've let some friends read it, but they all think it's cool no matter what.
I'll edit the second story a little bit (as soon as I have the time, I've been busy with school lately) and post it here again to see if it has improved!
 
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Your very welcome. I know exactly how it is with getting advice. I can never seem to get any of my friends to say anything but 'that was good. that was really cool.' so I know what you mean. And I tried to read the third script but the site said error I was sure if it was because I wasn't a registered user.
 
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I really liked the The End Of A New Beginning script, but it could use a little more storyline to make it a little longer, but not too much to change the flow. Maybe a little more conversation or some kind of character development on Erich? It was good as just a concept, but if someone were to make an actual movie out of it, more conversation would be needed, especially if they are spending the resources to film in those locations. Just keep budgets in terms of value-cost benefits in mind when writing indie scripts.

The 4th has a lot of potential and could be elaborated on. Basically I just though it needs a few more scenes and a little more action (can be even action in terms of suspense or dialogue).

Great work though. I am very impressed.
 
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Well thank you very much! :)

The End Of A New Beginning is actually too short to produce. It will cost way too much to let everything look like post-WWI for only 5 minutes of film. But I thought it was a great ending.
Also I think this story has a little too less study. I mean, both Erich and the other man are based on real people, but I don't believe they've ever met.

I probably won't spend much time editing this story, though I am thinking of changing The 4th. That one has more potential if you'd ask me.

Anyway, thank you both for your feedback. It's hard to get if you don't go to filmschool or stuff like that :)
 
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MyView

Hay buddy,
I read your last script, frankly speaking i the concept and the twist but the problem was the narration. You have to make it more interesting by generating the curiosity in people to know who is the "MAN". Adolf is never so calm as you projected in the play, make him aggressive and put some strong words like the "man" is defending the War rather than peace.

i hope this wud help
thanks
Myview
 
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