how do i upload it for you guys to check it out
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80 page screen play dont know what to do with
- Thread starter MobsterLVL
- Start date
Okay I tried very hard to read BUT a sp isn't a book - there are so many huge blocks of description and 'speeches' that I had to give up... sorry
If you must put long blocks in then try and break them up into bit sized pieces, 3-4 lines.
There is an enormous amount of flashbacks which not only add to the complication and effort to read but also millions to any potential shoot - which in of itself is something we all aspire too - however starting out, will lessen the chance of any potential interested party to produce.
As for the actual story and your approach, it never grab me, sorry.
And to be honest it seemed very 'preachy'.
One thing which did intrigue me was the way you put "g-d" and not "god"?
Are you deeply religious and unable to write god - hence the lack of an "o"?
Not that it matters if you are or not - but I think it illustrates to me that I found that missing "o'" more intriguging than your premise.
I really hope that you don't take any of the above as a personal slight against you - it's not, it's just one persons opinion to take or leave.
My feedback on huge blocks of text /dialogue is something I'm sure you're hear over and over.
And once you break them up, plus reduce the "speeches" - it'll be a much better draft I'm sure.
All the best, respectfully, Jim.
If you must put long blocks in then try and break them up into bit sized pieces, 3-4 lines.
There is an enormous amount of flashbacks which not only add to the complication and effort to read but also millions to any potential shoot - which in of itself is something we all aspire too - however starting out, will lessen the chance of any potential interested party to produce.
As for the actual story and your approach, it never grab me, sorry.
And to be honest it seemed very 'preachy'.
One thing which did intrigue me was the way you put "g-d" and not "god"?
Are you deeply religious and unable to write god - hence the lack of an "o"?
Not that it matters if you are or not - but I think it illustrates to me that I found that missing "o'" more intriguging than your premise.
I really hope that you don't take any of the above as a personal slight against you - it's not, it's just one persons opinion to take or leave.
My feedback on huge blocks of text /dialogue is something I'm sure you're hear over and over.
And once you break them up, plus reduce the "speeches" - it'll be a much better draft I'm sure.
All the best, respectfully, Jim.
I don't mean to judge, the story seems quite interesting, but it's very racist. Obviously this is the setting you are going for but think about your wording carefully as not to come across obnoxious. It's a subject matter that needs to be approached tastefully.
Also, hell of a lot happens in the first five pages!
Also, hell of a lot happens in the first five pages!
I have to echo a lot of what's already been said here. The premise is good, but it seems to drag on a lot of dialogue that unfortunately struck me as kind of dull, and that's really not good for an eighty-page screenplay. Maybe it was indeed all those flashbacks. Maybe this would work better as a shorter subject. There's definitely some talent in this thing, but it just seems to be bogged down by other stuff.