5-page rewrite

[chongo]

5-page rewrite - Updated slightly

Following the suggestions (thanks, Finders and Greenfield) I went back over this. I still think it's a bit wordy, but I'm working on that...

I added a flash-forward at the beginning that I hope would work as a hook for viewers.

http://docs.google.com/fileview?id=...TItNWUxNS00Y2ZlLWJlMzEtNDVmMmFiOWY4MmQ3&hl=en

edit: I'd forgotten to add the sounds the vampires make to further connect the future scene to Leonard's apartment. Also, the grocery store plays a rather important part a ways down the road. Do you think I set it up properly?

Also, I'm considering this to be a stand-alone episode. Does it work in that sense?

 

[finderskeepers]

This is just my opinion. I tend to use a lot less words. Everyone has there own style. I would probably cut half the words in the description. I literally mean 50%

maybe something like this...

INT. SHOPPER'S DELIGHT SUPERSTORE - (day? night? whenever?)

LEONARD GRIMES (30's) average dressed plain. His eyes stare through things as he pushes a shopping cart down the cereal Aisle.
Generic MUZAK plays over the store speakers.


Just my personal taste , but I hate lots of description UNLESS it's really interesting. So I tend to keep it brief with only the necessary info. Also try opening with a hook or something that grabs the reader from the first page. You have to figure that one out yourself. It's your story.
Hope that helps,
Joe

 

[chongo]

I understand exactly what you're saying... but every time I sit down to try and write things more concisely, it ends up being longer and more prosey.

I do like your rewrites though.

Also, is it necessary to add - TIME OF DAY to interiors when there'll be no view of the outside?

 

[finderskeepers]

The time of day is part of format. I think most writing books tell you to use it. I do just to be exact. I guess one exercise you might want to try is removing every word that doesn't absolutely need to be there. Remember you can use sentence fragments in a script. "In the aisle - a Shopping cart"
the reader isn't going to see what you see in your head, "A Dive Bar" looks different to everyone based on experiences. You just want to explain the scene like you are telling a friend a story. Telling every detail just leads the reader to creating a DIFFERENT picture in their head then the writer has.

If you say 'Leonard rolls is rusty cart over the dirty Shopping Center floor" the reader will fill in their own details and do most of your work for you.

Hope that helps.
Best of Luck,
Joe

 

[chongo]

Updated. And, thanks Finders... I added time of day.

 

[finderskeepers]

The opening is a lot better. Grabs the reader more. However, I think if you described Leonard on page 1 you can't do that again on page two. If that's the same "Leonard"? Correct format would be to describe him as he enters the story and then just refer to him as "Leonard" or "Leonard Grimes" in the rest of the script. I hope that makes sense.