5 minutes, one scene short movie - the life coach

[Stefanovic]

First of all sorry about the formatting. I've been copying from celtx. This is a short one scene movie on how an undercover agent arrests a life coach not paying taxes. It's the type of lifecoach telling everyone the same shit like: you're wonderful, you're great,.....

INT. ALiCE's OFFICE - DAY
Life coach Alice Parker ( 50, medium long blonde hair, wearing a diamond neckless, long black designer dress and high heel shoes) sits on her fancy white long couch in a huge living room full of designer furniture. Alice works on her laptop as the bell rings. She stands up, walks to the door, checks her looks in the mirror right next the to door and opens the door. Michael Lewis ( 40, tall business man, wearing a dark suit) stands in her doorway.
ALICE
Mister Lewis, nice to meet you
Alice shakes Michael's hand
Michael
Morning, Mrs. Parker, may I?
ALICE
You can have a seat
Alice and Michael walk over to Alice's couch
MICHAEL
Thanks
Michael and Alice sit down
ALICE
Can I get you some tea?
MICHAEL
Sure
Alice grabs the tea-pot standing on the saloon table and poors some tea in a golden cup.
MICHAEL
Could you tell me a bit more about your sessions?
ALICE
I'm a life coach, I literally teach you how to make most out of life
MICHAEL
sounds great, so where do we start?
ALICE
Michael Lewis, you're a wonderful person
MICHAEL
I'm not
Alice grabs Michael's hand
ALICE
( screams)
then shut the fuck up, because I'm here to say you are
MICHAEL
It's your job
ALICE
Exactly, have I told you how great you smell
Alice takes off a shoulder strap
MICHAEL
Are you a prostitute?
Alice laughs out loud and massages Michael's shoulders
ALICE
Relax, I want you to loosen up. So let me repeat: you're a wonderful person
MICHAEL
How wonderful exactly?
Alice sits next to Michael
ALICE
How much money do you have?
MICHAEL
I beg your pardon?
ALICE
You checked the prizes, didn't you?
MICHAEL
A 1000 dollars for one fifty minutes session
ALICE
You're a smart guy and for an extra 500, I'll give you a full personality analysis
MICHAEL
well, let's start all over again
ALICE
You're an amazing person, you were born to shine and your goodness is so inspiring for your loved ones. I'm sure you've had a big impact on their lives as well
MICHAEL
I actually have
ALICE
It only proves how great you are
MICHAEL
That's a strange definition of greatness. I've actually killed my wife and four kids.
ALICE
Oh that's....
Alice hyperventilates
MICHAEL
very unprofessional for a life coach, isn't it?
ALICE
No, it's not. I repeat: you're a great person. The ashes of your loved ones have gone to a better place. I'm sure of that.
MICHAEL
There's nothing like their ashes
ALICE
So they're uh?
MICHAEL
I preserve them in my freezer
ALICE
Do you have them for dinner?
MICHAEL
I preserve them I said. Besides, who the hell would fuck half a wife?
ALICE
So you still have sex?
MICHAEL
For sure, am I still that wonderful person?
ALICE
I believe there's something good in all of us
MICHAEL
But you're no longer convinced I'm totally wonderful
ALICE
You've done horrible things, Mister Lewis
MICHAEL
So how many sessions would it take to get back to normal?
ALICE
Can you pay in advance?
MICHAEL
How much?
ALICE
10 000 dollars plus 50 for the tea
MICHAEL
What?
ALICE
It was served in a golden cup
MICHAEL
I'll take my credit card
ALICE
Sorry but I only accept cash money
MICHAEL
From all of your clients?
ALICE
No one likes to pay taxes, honey
MICHAEL
Mrs. Parker, you're a horrible person. Do you know how many people live in the streets because you don't pay any taxes
ALICE
(shouts)
How could you? besides, it's not none of your business
MICHAEL
Oh yes it is
ALICE
(shouts)
I want you to pay now
Michael takes a recorder and official police card out of his pocket
MICHAEL
I'm officer Walters. You're under arrest

 

[FantasySciFi]

PS How would you suggest making a viewer like the client and not the life coach ( she's the uberbitch in the story). Of course when he says he killed his wife and kids, it's a joke and people should know it's a joke, only the life coach has no sense of humour and tries to talk her out of it.

Uh, not the way you developed (or I should say, didn't develop) his character. He could be a totally charming psychopath. I also agree that it's not funny. In part because that's not what life coaches do. Maybe if you made her psychic. If you introduced him as a police officer to the audience before he meets her, then the audience would see the absurdity of what he tells her. Tax evasion certainly wouldn't fall in the jurisdiction of the police but the IRS as one poster pointed out. He may be there undercover because someone reported that she adds "something special" to her tea that her clients pay her well for. Escalate that misunderstanding until she knocks him out with a teapot and calls the cops reporting a killer. They find her 'secret ingredient' is homegrown lavender with just a pinch of nutmeg.

As far as the formatting, you would be wise to include more action statements to break up the conversation. As it stands, neither character stands out or are particularly interesting. Even in a one location shoot, you need to have story. Here you have no introduction to the characters and clearly no defined problem or ending. As a result it just seems to go nowhere for a stretch of time. Use a basic three act structure at least: Intro the characters, present a dilemma then provide a resolution. You never develop the characters (intro). You chat about services and murder implying the dilemma is will he kill her. Then the resolution is he wants to arrest her for tax evasion? It's a total departure and not only is not funny but it's a non sequitur.

Humor is said to be the hardest genre to learn to write well. In part because what makes one person laugh doesn't make another laugh. The resolution has to be tied into the presented problem. It's worth studying comedies to see how they develop and resolve. Good luck.

 

[Stefanovic]

Thanks, so he should enter the house and tell about a problem, why he would need a psychic. He wants her to reveal that his wife cheats on him. She gives him the tea ( after the introduction). She noticed he doesn't drink of it, she leaves the room to go and find het crystal ball, then he takes a syringe out of his pocket and extracts a few ml. But she's back much sooner then he expects, he tries to explain ( my wife loves tea). She kicks him with a tea pot. She looks at him thinking he's dead, she finds the recorder and destroys it. Afterwards she drags his body down to her backyard, burries him while holding a gun in her hand. Another officer shows up stating she's under arrest. She shoots him in the chest but he turns out to wear a bulletproof jacket and put the handcuffs on.

 

[FantasySciFi]

Thanks, so he should enter the house and tell about a problem, why he would need a psychic. He wants her to reveal that his wife cheats on him. She gives him the tea ( after the introduction). She noticed he doesn't drink of it, she leaves the room to go and find het crystal ball, then he takes a syringe out of his pocket and extracts a few ml. But she's back much sooner then he expects, he tries to explain ( my wife loves tea). She kicks him with a tea pot. She looks at him thinking he's dead, she finds the recorder and destroys it. Afterwards she drags his body down to her backyard, burries him while holding a gun in her hand. Another officer shows up stating she's under arrest. She shoots him in the chest but he turns out to wear a bulletproof jacket and put the handcuffs on.

Wow, that went dark/evil quickly. I think you just need to develop the characters a bit if you want this to be a comedy. You might want to watch "Arsenic and Old Lace" if you haven't seen it. Comedy is the collision of reality with the absurd. The psychic may be a sweet old lady whose clients seem loyal and enlightened. Perhaps she doesn't realize the secret herb she uses contains a potent hallucinogen to which she's built up a tolerance. The cop assigned to the case is hardnosed and abrasive. There are various ways to develop your story but I don't think anyone has to die. My point was that as the cop looks more like a murderer, she gets scared. He may avoid the "tea" thinking she's a poisoner but inadvertently eat the brownies laced with that "special flavor". If you want it to be a comedy, try to keep it light. In comedies things tend to start with an innocent mistake and spiral out of control until the shoe finally falls. The true art of comedy writing is picking up the pieces at the end in a satisfying manner.

 

[Stefanovic]

Or: her sessions could be extremely cheap but the herb is very expensive. She has a dealer selling her expensive drugs but she's too old to realize what she is purchasing. She thinks it has antidepressant properties. She's never tried it herself . She had only been selling it for a few days but some clients reported her at the police station because they got intoxicated. The officer asks her to try to tea ( or cake) herself first and she gets high.

 

[FantasySciFi]

If I were writing this, I'd use a soft approach. You're welcome to use this idea and develop it in your script. Just be sure to attach credit.

A sweet old woman, our Psychic, reads tarot and tea leaves. Her grandson is a drug dealer. The cops have been watching him. He stops by grandma's house and hides his stash of coke in a bag labelled as sugar with an X. As he leaves, he says a friend may drop by looking for him. A couple stop by and ask to buy a bag of "sugar". She naively grabs the wrong bag giving them actual sugar. They hand her a bag filled with five grand and rush off. She naively takes it as kindness. She lays it aside and goes back to the kitchen.

She goes back to the kitchen to prepare nibblies for her coffee klatch. She finishes up most of the sugar (real) but runs out and breaks into the bag with an X (cocaine). It's a bit bitter so she toss in some additional spices. The "Girl's Club" then comes by and flashing to later we see all the grannies are very energized (as a comedy we can get away exaggerating the aspects of the drug).

Now we bring back the grandson, who discovers what happened is mortified that his contacts will be looking for him for giving them fake coke. And when he learns what his grandmother did with the coke, he's even more apoplectic. Bring in the undercover cop. Things are going from bad to worse.

When the cop starts interrogating granny, he's eating some of the juiced cookies. He starts acting more dangerously. That's when granny whacks him from behind. She goes to call the police. Her grandson comes in, finds him with his badge and fears he's dead. He panics and takes the officer out back. He drags him to the backyard when his granny sees her grandson and tells him to come in it's not safe with a murderer on the loose. Now the grandson ties up the cop and returns inside. When the police arrive, there's no criminal. When they look out back, the cop is also gone to the grandson's horror. The cops also look around inside the house and the kitchen. The grandson works to steer them away and sees granny offering the officers some cookies laced with the cocaine. He tries to stop her but she waves him off that she can make more.

In a final bid, the cop reappears and prepares to arrest them. The grandson says his granny is innocent but the cop doesn't buy it. Then the criminal couple comes around. They end up shooting the cop and threaten to kill them demanding the real cocaine. They tie up the granny and grandson, grab the cocaine and run out the front door into the arms of the waiting police.

The grandson says he ran into them at the store and dropped bags which is how it must been exchanged. The police captain congratulates them for helping to nab this couple and says there's a substantial reward for them. The police leave. While the grandma cleans up, she finds the bag of money. The grandson volunteers to take it back to the police for her. She thinks he's the ideal grandson. She asks him to pick her up some more of that good sugar. He winks and closes the door.

 

[Stefanovic]

I do like your idea although it's a total different story from the initial one.

 

[Editor]

I do disagree with FantasySciFi.

I have endeavoured to challenge rrather than give you brand new ideas and ask for credfit.

You will get NOWHERE as a writer if you simply use others ideas (even though most of what FantasySciFi said I had already thought of myself)

You need to develop the story on your own ground and NOT use others. Indeed, I would argue that it is somewhat cruel of FantasySciFi to TELL you an alternative story. It jams the mind into that and leaves you with acredit on the worlk that will make it worthless as one to present to any future studio. Primarily what you need is CHALLENGING points leaving you with problems to resolve ON YOUR OWN.

 

[FantasySciFi]

I do like your idea although it's a total different story from the initial one.

It's meant simply as an example of how I would develop the idea showing the evolution from a simple incident to increasingly absurd outcomes that come crashing down. Then the slight twist resolution at the end that ties up the loose ends. That is the essential structure of the comedy genre. You simply need to take the conceptual structure and apply it to your original story.

Who is the life coach? What makes her fun and interesting? Who is the cop/undercover agent? What makes him fun and interesting? Note, fun is an important part of comedy. What is the basic motive that can precipitate the first innocent mistake? What set of absurd results can arise? What is the culminating point? What brings this absurd serious of events crashing into the reality of the situation? How can humor emerge like a phoenix from the ashes (the "all seems lost" moment followed by the "flicker of hope")? In comedies (most anyway), there is typically a positive ending. In dark comedies, often the one person/thing that could have created the ultimate happiness is the thing that is lost. Cheers.

 

[Stefanovic]

I just had this flood of words in my mind to make the start a bit more exciting:

ALICE

Mr. Lewis, nice to meet you

Alice shakes Michael's hand

Michael

Morning, Mrs. Parker, may I?

Michael sits on the couch.

ALICENo, You cannot have a seat

MICHAEL

Ouch, could you tell me why my ass hurts so bad,

ALICE

You're sitting on my grandson's toys

MICHAEL

why you're hiding them underneath your sofa?

ALICE

It's a cool place isn't it?

Michael puts his hand underneath the sofa and takes the gun

MICHAEL

That's a gun

ALICE

I'm not blind. It's not loaded though.

Michael pulls the trigger and shoots a bullet through the wall

ALICE

Oh it is loaded. How cool to know I can protect myself.

 

[Editor]

Masterful!

(Critique - Maybe "Ow My ass!" might sound a tad more natural)

I really think this might pan out for you! (And this from the perons who is being slated and hammered in numerous threads for being too hard on writers!)

 

[Stefanovic]

This is the follow up to it:

Michael puts the gun on the table and sits down.

ALICE
Tea?
MICHAEL
Sure, can I have sugar with it?
Alice grabs the tea-pot standing on the saloon table and poors some tea in a golden cup. She looks through a box and empties a small plastic bag ( with XTC label) in the cup.
ALICE
Of course you can.
Michael sips on his cup and touches his stomach and coughs
MICHAEL
What brand is this, young lady?
ALICE
Let me read, X-T-C.
MICHAEL
I'm going to fly....
Michael runs around Alice's living room making weird noises. He grabs Alice by the shoulder and whispers in her ear.
MICHAEL
Who gave you this XTC?
ALICE
My grandson.
MICHAEL
Why?
ALICE
In case I'd run out of sugar.
MICHAEL
This is no sugar.
ALICE
But it looks like it. Who could see the difference?
MICHAEL
The question is rather: who could feel the difference?
ALICE
I don't care. I love my coffee and tea black.
MICHAEL
What else did your grandson say?
ALICE
to use it in moderation.
MICHAEL
Then why did you give me a full bag?
ALICE
I love spoiling boys with sweets.
MICHAEL
These are drugs, my dear.
ALICE
Oh no. Am I going to jail?
MICHAEL
What tells your ball?
Alice looks into her crystall ball.
ALICE
I see torture, darkness, hell. Do we have a deal?
MICHAEL
Pardon?
ALICE
I'm not letting you pay for this session if you don't call the police.
MICHAEL
you possess a gun, 10 grams of XTC and don't expect me to call the cops?
ALICE
You're not going to survive my crystall ball.
Alice picks up her crystall ball, gets out of breath and puts it back down.
MICHAEL
You can try the tea pot instead.
Alice throws the tea pot onto Michael's head.
ALICE
Tsjaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
MICHAEL
I'm not impressed, Mrs. Parker.
ALICE
(shouts)
My gun? Where is my?
Michael grabs the gun.
MICHAEL
Not in a millon years.
ALICE
I give it up. How much do you want to keep me out of jail?
MICHAEL
We have a deal. I'm not calling the cops.
Alice gives Michael a hug. Michael takes an official police card out of his pocket.
MICHAEL
Officer Walters, you're under arrest.
ALICE
Can I have a final piece of apple pie?
MICHAEL
Alright, I'm waiting here.
Alice walks over to the kitchen and comes back holding a pie and a knife in her hands. Alice puts a slice of pie into her mouth.
ALICE
If you want some.
Alice stabs Michael in the chest.
ALICE
(shouts)
You can get some.
​

 

[Editor]

Nowhere near as good as your previous. The violence at the end is too "on the nose" - the simple twist works far better. Likewise, the drugs makes it sleasy and diminishes Alice whereas previously, she seems like the victim until the end by simply evading tax.

 

[Stefanovic]

so you'd go on with the tea, xtc, then get back to the mindblowing person lines ( he could ask: but you're a fortune teller, so will my future be mindblowing as well, then it turns out she had also sipped from the xtc see and can no longer see the future so can we get to paying, he's like: you havent done your job, i'm not paying......then she says, she needs to money to keep buying sugar for her grandson, she starts crying, he's playing the game just to see how far she would go, then takes his credit card, she only accepts cash. )