Hey there, gave it a read over. Few minor observations firstly -
- Sounds in your descriptions should be in CAPS. i.e. SCREAMS are heard.
- page 3. Pours not pores.
- page 3. "for you or the baby"
- page 5. steel not steal.
- page 5. Not sure what you mean by "maybe" a few stickers. Just say there are stickers.
- page 9. You missed out MEL's name in her introduction
- page 12. Need a new slug line when they get out of the car, no longer INT.
- page 13. aisle not isle
- page 15. "couldn't get my head straight."
- page 18. Use more explanitory phrase than "Allen cant contain himself". Happy/sad/excited?
- page 22. You say Allen is alone but Mel is still in the room?
- page 25. "Everything is fine"
The emotional aspect of the story is good, the fractured relationship Allen has with his children is realistic and then the first twist with his wife was a good moment. (As an aside, the way the film opened reminded me of the movie "Ken Park" a little bit.) I could picture each of the characters quite well from the description and dialogue used although I did find Allen's character a little inconsistent, particularly in the way he talks to his children at the beginning versus later during the phonecalls.
On the whole, some of the descriptive text could do with a little refining. Also, I didn't really get the bit about the figure in Allen's apartment and then him shooting MEL if I'm honest. Personally, I found it took away from the believability of the story and I would leave it out. Why was she there in the middle of the night? Why didn't she respond when Allen called out? Why didn't Allen do anything to try and help her afterwards? What was the figure trying to achieve? Why did nobody hear/report the gunshot? How did she survive all night with a bullet to the temple? Why were they close afterwards given they'd only met once and he'd left her for dead?
This is only my personal opinion but if you are submitting this as a short, I would consider re-writing it as a 10 min short or something like that, focussing mainly on the aspects of Allen's despair over Carol and his relationship with Patrick. Some of the dialogue, although good, would better suit a longer drama I feel.