1st Draft Treatment Reviews Needed

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It's an ok first draft.. still feels a little hokey to me though. Some nice creepy bits and main plot points covered they just need smoothing out. Your beginning should be improved.


Para 3...
"kids that could read and write well,"

I'm sure that should be "couldn't" but more importantly it's not Zoolander. :lol:

The idea of walking into the woods, in the dark and finding a 16th C skeleton within minutes...made me chuckle!
 
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ShockingMind said:
It's an ok first draft.. still feels a little hokey to me though. Some nice creepy bits and main plot points covered they just need smoothing out. Your beginning should be improved.


Para 3...
"kids that could read and write well,"

I'm sure that should be "couldn't" but more importantly it's not Zoolander. :lol:

The idea of walking into the woods, in the dark and finding a 16th C skeleton within minutes...made me chuckle!
Click to expand...


Haha fair enough, thank you for taking the time to read it through. There is a marker by the bones, would that make it better?

Thanks for your honesty though, it's exactly why I keep coming back to this place :)
 
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I thought "could read and write well" was correct, as in C16, being too clever possibly could have been considered a sign of witchcraft.

It's not bad, but I'm honestly not sure if it's as creepy and original as you were aiming for (based on you previous thread). The tone feels a lot like "Sinister" or "Insidious", with influences from "Kill List" or "The Last Exorcism".

There's still a reasonable story in there, I think you should write the script. It'll be much easier to understand what you're going for.

Good start!
 
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mad_hatter said:
I thought "could read and write well" was correct, as in C16, being too clever possibly could have been considered a sign of witchcraft.

It's not bad, but I'm honestly not sure if it's as creepy and original as you were aiming for (based on you previous thread). The tone feels a lot like "Sinister" or "Insidious", with influences from "Kill List" or "The Last Exorcism".

There's still a reasonable story in there, I think you should write the script. It'll be much easier to understand what you're going for.

Good start!
Click to expand...

You're exactly right about the reading and writing thing :yes:

I get what you mean about it not being as creepy or original. I think a lot of what will be creepy will be in how it is shot (Though I know that is no excuse for a poor script!)

I will write the script out and see how it goes, a lot of the time my treatments are very skeletal compared to what I actually put in as I tend to write in the moment. Hopefully this will add some of the creepier parts.

I've also updated the treatment some more, it now has a section where James goes home to fidn the figure (now "The priest") attacking Dani and Amy. Amy almost gets killed before Sam saves them by killing the priest. It has a far more high octane ending without losing itself to the ridiculousness of the situation (I felt that Insidious was particularly guilty of this)

Here is what I see the outfit of the priest looking like http://i.imgur.com/Ia4zTw2.jpeg , with a few modifications done to it: Staff replaced by crucifix with a curved blade at the bottom. The mask will look more monk like, maybe made out of skin.

I'll see where it leads me :lol:

Thanks for your feedback!
 
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