The formatting for this is incorrect. You need to use a time reference--DAY, NIGHT, LATER, etc. CONTINUING is not an appropriate descriptor. CONTINUOUS is only used with respect to location. Secondly, do not capitalize props and set them off on their own line. That's incorrect.
You open with:
Code:
EXT. 5TH ST. - DOWNTOWN BOISE - MAGIC HOUR
An ESCALADE pulls INTO FRAME hastily as the driver jars the
SUV into park alongside the dead street.
INT. SUV - ON GEORGE HILL - CONTINUING
fuming at the wheel. George has seen much better years and
it shows in his chin; stress eating.
George looks down at his
WEDDING RING
and freaks out as he rips the worthless piece of jewelry off
his finger.
George pulls out a
BUSINESS CARD
which reads, "555-8432" and on the other side, two words;
"apricot, blanket"
GEORGE
takes a deep breath, checks his mirrors, and exits into the
street.
...
Properly formatted, this would appear
Code:
EXT. DOWNTOWN BOISE, 5TH ST. - NIGHT
An S.U.V. jars to a stop and parks along the dead street.
INT. SUV - NIGHT
GEORGE (50s) with his jowls hanging, fumes behind the wheel.
His stout body shows neglect and has seen better years.
George glances at his watching noticing it reads midnight. He
notices his wedding ring. His face tightens and he freaks out
as he rips it off his finger with total distaste.
His face darkens and he pulls out a business card, which reads
"555-8432". He flips it over to see "apricot, blanket"
He takes a deep breath, checks his mirrors, and exits into the
street.
...
It's tighter, more balanced and easier to read when you aren't capitalizing items and breaking the flow. The director doesn't care if it's an escalade because they will rent what can be afforded. You can include it but it doesn't require capitals. The same with the wedding ring or business card.
In older scripts (70s & 80s) it was common to highlight props with caps and set them off. That is no longer considered good practice. The practice will get your script dinged. If you want this to be the 'magic hour', you need to include a visual reference to a clock or watch. The script is describing what the viewer sees. The slugline is a production tool. 'Magic Hour' means nothing to an AD who basically has to break shots into DAY or NIGHT. The other problem with using the caps as you did is that it makes it look like a "pseudo slugline" that is often used for a continuous scene that moves between adjoining spaces.
So if I'm inside a house, I might move from the LIVING ROOM into the KITCHEN, etc. In that case, I'd use a slugline like "INT. HOUSE - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)". We're following George so you don't need to keep repeating his name. Only capitalize his name the first time.
"EXT. 5TH ST. - FOLLOW ON GEORGE - CONTINUING" is an embedded camera direction. It's both wrong to include it in the slugline and camera directions shouldn't be in a spec script.
The dialogue on the second page is too expository. How information does the viewer really need to know about his wife before they see her? With such an elaborate pass code scheme and the fact he brought an envelope, it seems that some information has already been exchanged. You could abbreviate that whole exchange by alluding that the requested information is in the envelope. Then the dialogue starting page 7 moving forward is too on-the-nose with talking heads. The script stops working.
Unfortunately, the formatting isn't your worst enemy here but it should be easy to fix. The dialogue also needs to be overhauled. While I appreciate the idea, it becomes a very tedious read after page 7. The hesitancy about Leonard is too verbose. Lots can be cut since most of it is repeated filler.
It's a good idea though the script needs to revised. Good luck.
