I DO ALL MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING AT THE US PATENT OFFICE!

B

bird

My Granny has always wanted an empathic potty canary, and I'm gonna make her toiletry yuletide dream come true:
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US Patent # 6966840
"When gases from a bowel movement are detected, audible statements are transmitted and synchronized movements are effected in the automated character."


I'm getting the sisters each a pair of these...it's like the tri-fecta of polyester pants, interchangeable, extruded, wonderous magical work wear. They will thank me for Monday through Friday convenience and style.
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US Patent # 6161223
"Each leg is selected from a set of various styles to flexibly create a custom mixed or matched style for a given wearing of the pants".


Whose great grandpa's Studebacker wouldn't be complete without one of these? Great grandad rerouted the refuse and it proved to be gold grade motor oil. He's a slap, er, spit-happy camper.
US Patent # 4989275
Flushable Vehicle Spittoon
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"Structure is provided for removably mounting the receptacle in stationary position within a motor vehicle and the outlet end of the drain tube is routed through the vehicle body.."


Ahhhh, and here's Mom's secret Santa gift, designer wear....I got it in Paris...an Eifel original.
US Patent #4858627
Smoker's Hat
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"A portable hat... [includes] a filtration, purification and deionization system for removal of combustion products... and an exhaust system for expelling the filtered deodorized, deionized and optionally scented air from the hat".


Dad lost his voice last year, and could never show his appreciation for a well prepared meal except through flatulence...he will now be well appointed in manners.
US Patent # 05536196
Drinking Vessel with Sound Effects
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...preferably a beer mug, includes a sound- generating circuit in the base of the mug which produces a "burping" sound effect"

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and when in doubt for gift ideas....you cannot go wrong with a disc umbrella which not only shades and protects from inclimate weather, but brews a nice, warm cup of hot chocolate, then recycles the styrofoam into a tree ornament.
 
Loud Orange Cat said:
I wish I thought of this patent.

:lol:
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I can't believe they ISSUED that patent. :)

bird said:
Ahhhh, and here's Mom's secret Santa gift, designer wear....I got it in Paris...an Eifel original.
US Patent #4858627
Smoker's Hat
US04858627__.gif

"A portable hat... [includes] a filtration, purification and deionization system for removal of combustion products... and an exhaust system for expelling the filtered deodorized, deionized and optionally scented air from the hat".
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Surprising they're not making these mandatory attire for smokers all over this great nation (yet)..
 
Loud Orange Cat said:
I'm living proof of 'prior art' on this one. Someone in the USPTO office was sleeping on the job when this one was issued.
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Yeah.. I'd have to say I would fit in that prior art category too..

Seriously though, why would anyone patent it? did they expect they could get paid royalties from every cat owner who uses a laser to play with their pet? :) Maybe we should sue. :lol:
 
Thats some shopping list Bird ..I Think if it were up to me i d have indie films under evryones treee...Its been a wonderful year and wish you and all my friends here a real cool yule !!
 
Captain, Santa left you a Discus-bobbly-tron, it's for hypnotizing rocks to do your bidding...I believe they will form a pile on your command.:P
 
Captain, Santa left you a Discus-bobbly-tron, it's for hypnotizing rocks to do your bidding...I believe they will form a pile on your command.
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God, I've always wanted one of those -- you never know when you might need to construct a simple cairn.

I was going to keep yours a surprise, but as we're opening things early -- it's ninnyomatic -- a portable device birds can wear which scares away half wits, fools, dolts and nicompoops with several copies of Proust attached to a long rotating stick!
 
clive said:
...a portable device birds can wear which scares away half wits, fools, dolts and nicompoops with several copies of Proust attached to a long rotating stick!
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Suddenly I'm frightened of this thread..

Must... get.. away... oh, wait, I don't fit that criteria. Nevermind. :D
 
Thanks so much for the lovely christmas gift, Clive...you've outdone yourself from last years Fruitcake with the 100 year provenance....er, FILMY, no sense in my wrapping your gift, now.:P


I hope you like my gift to you, Clive! I've modified this visual perception altering apparatus especially for you by adding some handy peripherals such as an IV of valium and a ukelele...sure it's kinda redundant, but it's a *magical* ukelele and there's extra sugar in the valium. :D

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"ABSTRACT: Patent # CA 2295448
A wearable device optionally alters the wearer's visual perception of reality; in certain modes of operation. The device can selectively alter only portions of a scene. It can augment, deliberately diminish. or otherwise alter the wearer's visual world, for example, by incorporating hibernating hyperlinks directly into the real physical world. An application of the device to filtering out advertisements is proposed. The wearable device therefore prevents the theft of visual attention or the theft of mental visual processing resources that otherwise result from real-world spam. The device can selectively filter out span or allow it to pass through, based on payment to the wearer. The device allows the individual wearer to select and control the advertisements displayed to his or her own visual system, rather than leaving this matter up to the sole discretion of tile seller."
 
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