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screenplay Murder on I-15 (Short Film Screenplay)

I read it on Google Drive without downloading it... This dialogue just takes me directly OUT of the story:

NEWS
(v.o.)
Authorities believe their person of
interest will continue hunting
victims on Highway 89 or may even
head south down the Interstate 15.

I just don't believe the Police would put that out on the radio. It would cause a huge panic and they prefer NOT to do that. And? That sentence is a bit clunky...

...down the Interstate 15 or ...down Interstate 15?

Plus you have more sentences like this... Some of the dialogue is a little too ON THE NOSE for my taste too.

This next bit of dialogue is confusing to me...

NEWS
(v.o.)
Authorities in Glendale and Las
Vegas have setup check points along
the highway in an attempt to stop
the perp. Authorities have yet to
release details on a person of
interest..

You're creating a vision in my mind of checkpoints from Glendale to Las Vegas... LOL. No way that could happen so it's just not believable to me and I'm very familiar with this Interstate and the area all the way to Vegas.

Also... The word "perp" on the radio. I can see a cop saying that to someone interviewing them but I've heard a lot of radio and the word, "perp" used by a radio news person just seems unlikely but I've heard the word, "suspect" used all the time.

This...

MAN (CONT'D)
You're lucky. It's a beautiful day
to die.

I like the dialogue more or less but I feel like the MAN should FIRST look around him and be blown away at how beautiful the desert is to him. Maybe he breathes in really deep and exhales. Maybe he angles his head at the sun and feels its warmth... Something to make that dialogue really mean something.

I don't even think you NEED this:

VINCE (CONT'D)
With purpose. Time after time.
Maybe you can beg? Convince me on
why you should live. But then again
maybe the temptation will be
too...arousing.

Consider just having Vince go straight to:

VICE (CONT'D)
Make your case.

Sometimes LESS is MORE.

Also not sure if a killer of this sort would tell his victim that he's ruining it for him. Just feels out of character.

I won't get into the rest of it in detail... Just feels like the conversation is a little forced -- contrived. I get that THIS victim is NOT the usual victim. I get that but the dialogue feels a little too on the nose and not quite clever enough.

Finally... This is very dark stuff. LOL. And? I LIKE very dark stuff. I don't know what you have in store for the final production but don't be surprised if it stays this dark that it turns off an audience.

Maybe if you had a bit more comedic back and forth between Vince and Daniel, it would blur a little of that dark away for people.

Just my two cents.

Good luck with it!
 
Trying to help you without forcing a complete rewrite, since you are two days out. Also, trying to stay within the bounds of the story you've written.

My main criticism is that I don't know anything about these characters along the way or by the end. No matter the story, people want to see/feel/hear something in the characters in a story that they can relate to. That's what makes them go along for the ride.

You have an opportunity in the van for Vince to say something about himself somewhere before or in between or after the radio broadcast without doing major rewriting. Maybe he's talking to the body. Daniel is a little more problematic, but I think you need to at least give us a clue as to why he wants to be killed.

I think the boner business is a little unusual, but certainly evidence of how erotic this is for them. It might be funnier though if the boner is followed by a sound or facial expression that adds to the idea of how sexually arousing killing is for Vince, then bookend it with Daniel doing the same sound or facial expression to emphasize how they've switched places. Be creative here. Maybe you've got some clever/funny way you're going to shoot these guys' hard-ons?
 
Trying to help you without forcing a complete rewrite, since you are two days out. Also, trying to stay within the bounds of the story you've written.

My main criticism is that I don't know anything about these characters along the way or by the end. No matter the story, people want to see/feel/hear something in the characters in a story that they can relate to. That's what makes them go along for the ride.

You have an opportunity in the van for Vince to say something about himself somewhere before or in between or after the radio broadcast without doing major rewriting. Maybe he's talking to the body. Daniel is a little more problematic, but I think you need to at least give us a clue as to why he wants to be killed.

I think the boner business is a little unusual, but certainly evidence of how erotic this is for them. It might be funnier though if the boner is followed by a sound or facial expression that adds to the idea of how sexually arousing killing is for Vince, then bookend it with Daniel doing the same sound or facial expression to emphasize how they've switched places. Be creative here. Maybe you've got some clever/funny way you're going to shoot these guys' hard-ons?

I can do rewrites.

What I met to say is that, I'm going to shoot this for two days.

Filming starts in July, so if I need a complete rewrite, I will do it.
 
I read it on Google Drive without downloading it... This dialogue just takes me directly OUT of the story:

NEWS
(v.o.)
Authorities believe their person of
interest will continue hunting
victims on Highway 89 or may even
head south down the Interstate 15.

I just don't believe the Police would put that out on the radio. It would cause a huge panic and they prefer NOT to do that. And? That sentence is a bit clunky...

...down the Interstate 15 or ...down Interstate 15?

Plus you have more sentences like this... Some of the dialogue is a little too ON THE NOSE for my taste too.

This next bit of dialogue is confusing to me...

NEWS
(v.o.)
Authorities in Glendale and Las
Vegas have setup check points along
the highway in an attempt to stop
the perp. Authorities have yet to
release details on a person of
interest..

You're creating a vision in my mind of checkpoints from Glendale to Las Vegas... LOL. No way that could happen so it's just not believable to me and I'm very familiar with this Interstate and the area all the way to Vegas.

Also... The word "perp" on the radio. I can see a cop saying that to someone interviewing them but I've heard a lot of radio and the word, "perp" used by a radio news person just seems unlikely but I've heard the word, "suspect" used all the time.

This...

MAN (CONT'D)
You're lucky. It's a beautiful day
to die.

I like the dialogue more or less but I feel like the MAN should FIRST look around him and be blown away at how beautiful the desert is to him. Maybe he breathes in really deep and exhales. Maybe he angles his head at the sun and feels its warmth... Something to make that dialogue really mean something.

I don't even think you NEED this:

VINCE (CONT'D)
With purpose. Time after time.
Maybe you can beg? Convince me on
why you should live. But then again
maybe the temptation will be
too...arousing.

Consider just having Vince go straight to:

VICE (CONT'D)
Make your case.

Sometimes LESS is MORE.

Also not sure if a killer of this sort would tell his victim that he's ruining it for him. Just feels out of character.

I won't get into the rest of it in detail... Just feels like the conversation is a little forced -- contrived. I get that THIS victim is NOT the usual victim. I get that but the dialogue feels a little too on the nose and not quite clever enough.

Finally... This is very dark stuff. LOL. And? I LIKE very dark stuff. I don't know what you have in store for the final production but don't be surprised if it stays this dark that it turns off an audience.

Maybe if you had a bit more comedic back and forth between Vince and Daniel, it would blur a little of that dark away for people.

Just my two cents.

Good luck with it!

"I won't get into the rest of it in detail... Just feels like the conversation is a little forced -- contrived. I get that THIS victim is NOT the usual victim. I get that but the dialogue feels a little too on the nose and not quite clever enough."

Please give me more detail. Your giving me good stuff.

I have time for rewrites.
 
"I won't get into the rest of it in detail... Just feels like the conversation is a little forced -- contrived. I get that THIS victim is NOT the usual victim. I get that but the dialogue feels a little too on the nose and not quite clever enough."

Please give me more detail. Your giving me good stuff.

I have time for rewrites.
Well like I said... I don't want to have to bring the document UP again and since you can't copy and paste from IT, we have to actually copy it all down manually.

All the dialogue toward the end... i.e., the transfer between Vince and Daniel just seems a bit contrived or deliberately created rather than arising naturally or spontaneously from the situation itself. Daniel just happens to be not only a victim but a victim not unlike Vince and I totally get that irony and I even like the concept... Vince got MORE than he bargained for here.

I just think their exchange of dialogue could be a bit more clever. More subtext. More CHESS-LIKE. Two very intelligent beings that have now got each other in a SITUATION. Imagine if you will... Two Hannibal Lecter types talking to each other -- each trying to outwit each other. Vince basically just starts to react but he had to be smart enough to get there in the first place... Right? So have him be.

Something like that.
 
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