archived-videos FEEDBACK NEEDED - New Short Film
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Nice set-up for the twist (but poor kitty 
) The guy's reaction fell a bit rushed, though: he's obviously new to the neighbourhood, but there's no sense of him working through stages of frustration - he goes straight for the gun! Also, there's something missing to account for why the neighbour would have to explain her "solution" (she looks a bit shifty, and says it like it's something really dubious) - perhaps a reference to Residents' Association rules or the like?
FWIW, I could really do with a similar vermin control solution right now! Have a family of big fat mice renacting the Fast and the Furious in my walls and ceilings this week.
) The guy's reaction fell a bit rushed, though: he's obviously new to the neighbourhood, but there's no sense of him working through stages of frustration - he goes straight for the gun! Also, there's something missing to account for why the neighbour would have to explain her "solution" (she looks a bit shifty, and says it like it's something really dubious) - perhaps a reference to Residents' Association rules or the like?FWIW, I could really do with a similar vermin control solution right now! Have a family of big fat mice renacting the Fast and the Furious in my walls and ceilings this week.
Love it! Thanks for the feedback. Definitely the kind of stuff I need. Although I see your point, I may end up keeping the rushed reaction to the cat... because I’m always trying to consider the squirrel-like attention span of YouTube viewers. I figure the further along in the story I can use as a starting point, the better. Gotta get right to the action if possible! But if this were longer, I think I’d take your advice and build it out with more finesse. Either way, I’m going to mess around with it and see how your suggestions affect the cut.Nice set-up for the twist (but poor kitty
FWIW, I could really do with a similar vermin control solution right now! Have a family of big fat mice renacting the Fast and the Furious in my walls and ceilings this week.
Good luck with the mice!
An afterthought, of sorts (as in noticed while watching, but couldn't think of a way around it ... ) : in the interests of accuracy, the Lucy's last scene, her lines are wrong! 
I wasn't going to remark upon it, but when you mentioned YouTubers ... Anyhow, the miaow you've used is a form of greeting. Given the context (violent action in the shrubbery), the snarl that you used during the first instance (1m4
would be more appropriate.
For a variation on the theme, would you consider re-working the story as a borderline horror movie? I could see the guy's exaggerated reaction being "normal" if, instead of hearing the cat, he kept catching sight of it (corner of the eye, reflection in computer, at a distance kind of thing) apparently studying him in complete silence as if he were its "prey" (along the lines of Hitchcock's The Birds)
I wasn't going to remark upon it, but when you mentioned YouTubers ... Anyhow, the miaow you've used is a form of greeting. Given the context (violent action in the shrubbery), the snarl that you used during the first instance (1m4 would be more appropriate.For a variation on the theme, would you consider re-working the story as a borderline horror movie? I could see the guy's exaggerated reaction being "normal" if, instead of hearing the cat, he kept catching sight of it (corner of the eye, reflection in computer, at a distance kind of thing) apparently studying him in complete silence as if he were its "prey" (along the lines of Hitchcock's The Birds)
Ha, I like the horror/comedy idea! I should have had you around when I was writing the script! It’s too late to go back now, but I definitely like it. And thanks for the cat sound expertise. I’ve never actually owned a cat, so I’m not as familiar with their communication techniques as one would hope. Really appreciate the thoughts.An afterthought, of sorts (as in noticed while watching, but couldn't think of a way around it ... ) : in the interests of accuracy, the Lucy's last scene, her lines are wrong!
For a variation on the theme, would you consider re-working the story as a borderline horror movie? I could see the guy's exaggerated reaction being "normal" if, instead of hearing the cat, he kept catching sight of it (corner of the eye, reflection in computer, at a distance kind of thing) apparently studying him in complete silence as if he were its "prey" (along the lines of Hitchcock's The Birds)
I was thinking that you could use a bit of CGI to add a faint cat image in odd corners of the existing footage - no need to re-write the script or re-shoot the humans, just tweak the edit and fine-tune the cat vocalisations.
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Got it. That makes sense. I may experiment in that vein!