Script Review Questions:

[Birdman]

Using online script review companies:

I have written a full-length SciFi Adventure. It would be similar on the intellectuality meter as "The Fifth Element." It's a fun, over-the-top Sci Fi with many elements of comedy along with a more serious premise lying underneath. It is not at all like "ALIEN", ...but it has the slapstick shoot-em-up fun like "AILEN II".

I submitted my script to an online review outfit and I got slammed fairly hard. The problem is I can tell by my review that the reader was "looking" for something other than what the movie is really all about. The reader was expecting a serious Science Fiction script (Like "X-Files") where careful research should have been done for believability.

The reviewer provided a synopsis of the movie at the beginning of the review which did not reflect what actually happens in the script. I have an evil alien race in my script. The reviewer had the wrong alien race being the evil race in their synopsis. The reviewer also had the wrong aliens having the ability to do shit "at will" that they don't have the power to do in the script. ...Very confusing!

I have my lead character needing to use a Titan supercomputer to transmit a message back to her people. She re-aligns satellites and causes all kinds of mayhem using this supercomputer. I chose this route because there was a larger "fun factor" available with a supercomputer than her using a satellite dish or radio transmitter (as the reviewer felt would have been "more believable"). What would appeal more to an audience? A cute little alien girl melting the U.S. government's $170M supercomputer and disrupting the world? ...or sending a signal out over a radio tower in true scientifically-correct fashion?

This all leads to my questions:

(1) How much credit should one place on these professional online script reviews?

(2) My script is not a comedy, but it's also not a serious sci fi. "The Fifth Element" was not a comedy, but it wasn't a serious sci fi either. "Galaxy Quest" was clearly a Sci Fi comedy. How does one denote a Sci Fi as to reflect what it really is? BTW: I listed "Sci Fi Adventure" as my genre.

(3) The major complaint I received was "unrealistic characters". Was Zorn a realistic character in "The Fifth Element"? I have my characters doing off-the-wall things because the entire movie is off-the-wall. Is it just "luck of the draw" on who reads/reviews your script that they understand why your characters are the way that they are or behave the way that they do?

If your reviewer is expecting Lord Marshal (from Chronicles of Riddick) and you've designed your bad guy to be more like Zorn, you're doomed from the start because of the reviewer's pre-determined expectations. Is this a common occurrence in the "script review world?" Do you face the same thing when Producers/Agents review your scripts?

(4) I have my main character sliding an object of great desire into her chest pocket. After that a bunch of shit happens. She ends up zooming away in a damaged escape craft after mayhem and a huge explosion. After that I have her relaxing, then suddenly slapping her chest, sighing, and pulling the object from her chest pocket to admire it.

What I was conveying was that she was worried that she may have lost the valuable object in all the mayhem, so she slaps her chest to feel and make sure she didn't drop it. I have done this many times with my wallet. It is a common thing to do. My script reviewer criticized me for not thoroughly explaining why she slapped her chest. At the same time I was told to strip my page count from 125 pages to no more than 110.

Here's the rub. MOST of you guys say not to include a lot of character instruction. Keep the action short and tight. Sure, I can FULLY EXPLAIN why she slapped her chest, or I can simply figure that most people would understand this as a common reaction when you think you've lost something. Unfortunately, when you make all of this shit perfectly clear ....your page count gets higher and higher. So what do you do in this case? Hell, the reviewer can't make out what's happening with 125 pages ...so how can I explain it even more clearly with 110 pages?

Lastly,

I feel like my reviewer didn't really read my script. I think my reviewer made it through the first 25% and pre-judged it based on that. I think it got skimmed after that section. Most of the reviewer's comments reflected shit happening during that section of the script. ...Is this most likely the case? ...Anyone else had this happen?

-Birdman

 

[NickClapper]

Does the reviewer gain anything from a heavy criticism? If I were running a script review service, I'd want to temper negative reviews with positive feedback in order to keep the customer happy and hope they'd return to my service. So, if a review has laden on pretty heavy criticism, it's probably worth taking it fairly seriously.

Of course, we all have a notion of the script that we've written, and when people don't tap into that exact idea then it can feel like they're missing the point. The big questions that raises, for me, are: are they missing 'the point'? Or is 'the point' not clear enough?

A big, camp sci-fi adventure can work, but if the elements aren't clear enough, then it will just look like bad sci-fi. It's easy to say that the reviewer just skimmed it and didn't understand what I was trying to do, but sometimes that's the problem. It can be a problem with finished films too, where the filmmaker thinks his/her film is a drama and it plays like a comedy, or they think it's a rom-com and it plays like a thriller. I remember one forum member here made a serious sci-fi film and everyone who watched it thought he'd made a comedy spoof of sci-fi films (so he readjusted it to be just that!).

Maybe the reviewer did just get it wrong, or not spend enough time with the script, but perhaps you should take onboard what they said and try and heighten the highlighted elements so that the mistake can't be made again.

 

[directorik]

(1) How much credit should one place on these professional online script reviews?

Very little. For all the reasons you point out. As I have said in
the past (all too often; sorry for repeating myself) a reviewer
has a very different goal then a studio reader. The reviewer
makes their money offering their personal opinions. The studio
is looking for something that will attract top talent and an audience.

Is this a common occurrence in the "script review world?" Do you face the same thing when Producers/Agents review your scripts?

Producers; yes. Agents; no.

Producers are usually looking for something specific. If they
read your script looking for (using your example) Lord Marshal
because that's the type of character their first choice of actor
wants to play and they get Zorn, they will pass.

Agents are looking for good writing. They want a writer who can
excel at writing assignments – thus make money. They do not
read your writing sample with preconceived notions.

 

[Birdman]

Nick,

Some of the criticisms the reviewer made I fully agree with. I will make the changes accordingly. However, one of the criticisms was that my reviewer didn't know what agency my six agents worked for.

A quote: "...and what agency do they work for? CIA, FBI, ATF?"


I have them listed as NSA agents. They all interact with the NSA Director. I even have the helicopters as "NSA Helicopters". I have my main character being transported in a specially-designed "NSA Transport Vehicle". Even the SUV's are listed as NSA in the script. I have 31 references to the word "NSA". No other government agency is ever mentioned in the script. I purposely did this to avoid any confusion. .....Yet there was confusion.

Another criticism is that I had "names" for my six NSA agents. He said I should have just named a couple agents and had the other agents be "Agent #1, Agent #2, Agent #3.

(1) Everything I have read about making a good script is to give your characters an existence more than just "man #1" or "Man #2". I gave them names and identities. These six agents later turn into the "bad guys" and blow away an entire fleet of military Humvees, NSA agents, SUVs and two Blackhawk helicopters. Each "agent/bad guy" has their own contribution to elements of destruction. ...So why don't they deserve names?

(2) They aren't really agents anyway. They are evil aliens cloaked as NSA agents. I had to give them names because they mingle with unimportant agents later in the script. "Names" let the readers know their location within a group of insignificant agents.

...He followed-up by pointing out that my agents were asking people questions that a true government agent wouldn't ask. He pointed out that I should read the "X-Files" scripts (to which I watched every single X-files episode and feature film) to see how agents would really behave and talk.

As I stated above ...they weren't really agents at all. They were aliens in disguise! They were asking questions that fit their agenda- nothing more. They didn't give a shit at all about helping out the U.S. Government. One agent even quizzed a person if their wife was home. He asked if he had a girlfriend ...or a daughter. No "true" agent would ask this in an investigation. He asked it because he was looking for a FEMALE!

Another "Character criticism":

I have the male lead character rescuing the female lead character from her crashed spacecraft. She's knocked unconscious in a space suit. He has no idea what's inside the space suit. He just grabbed the alien, put the alien in his truck and drove away.

When he gets the alien home, he puts the "wounded" alien in his bed. He wants to doctor the alien's wounds, so he gets ready to remove the alien's "face concealing" space helmet. He puts his hands on the sides of the helmet to remove it... and pauses. The lead male character then says,

"Please don't be Predator."

...I thought that was kinda funny! ....He didn't.

The fun part is that she's a goddess. She's drop-dead gorgeous. I juxtaposed the vision of the hideously ugly "Predator" image with the reality that she's the exact opposite - a beauty queen.

His response to this line was: "Humor is good but is this hard Sci-Fi or kids Sci Fi?"



I dunno. It seems like he was reading a totally different movie than I what I wrote.

-Birdman

 

[Birdman]

The reviewer
makes their money offering their personal opinions. The studio
is looking for something that will attract top talent and an audience.

...Still, if there is the level of confusion within my script to have the reviewer come down so hard on it, then I've probably not made my purpose clear enough within the body of my script.

My script IS confusing at times. A person would have to read each page carefully because things that happen early on end up completely the opposite near the end. Someone not paying attention could easily get lost ...and I think my reviewer did just that. For what it's worth, I HATE movies with plots so complex you are forced to just wait to see the outcome to find out what was happening.

BTW: My wife 'reviewed" my script while watching the SEC Championship game (which really pissed me off). Even with that she had a better understanding of what was happening in my script than the reviewer.

The truth: It seems like getting someone to commit two full hours of their valuable lifetime to read my work is a very difficult proposition. There's probably something else they would much rather be doing.

Producers; yes. Agents; no.

Producers are usually looking for something specific. If they
read your script looking for (using your example) Lord Marshal
because that's the type of character their first choice of actor
wants to play and they get Zorn, they will pass.

...So the key is getting one's script matched up with the people who gravitate towards that kind of script. I have no idea how to do that and I'm not planning on becoming a writer, so I don't know what else to do at this point. I enjoyed writing my script and it has been a wonderful "creative" process for the past five months. ...I might just let it go at that and move on.

-Birdman

 

[time2focus]

Honestly, it sounds like it would be helpful for you to have feedback from more than one source. Has anyone else read the script? A few opinions laid out in front of you may make it easier to determine if the issue was a reader's interpretation or lack of clarity on your part.

As far as the six agents having names, it really depends. How many other named characters are there? Is it too much to keep up with? Are all of these agents essential to the story or could the major personalities and actions be condensed down to two agents with four less important agents that are just numbered?

I understand that you do have an extensive script with a lot going on. It could be really helpful to get further insight from other readers/friends/etc (if you haven't already) and really compare everyone's notes. I think that will give you a more comprehensive understanding of your script's strengths and weaknesses.

 

[Birdman]

time2focus,

I've had two individuals review it. My "English teacher" wife (who has worked with screenplays in her classroom) and this online review source. My wife's review was a lot more "comforting" but I don't place as much value on that ...'cause she's my wife. Would you slam your spouse's hard work? She liked it and was able to answer questions I asked her to verify that she read it.

As far as "characters" go, I have just a few main characters:

A female lead - (She's the star!)

A male "supporting lead". (He's like "Reese" supporting Sarah Conner)

An Evil warlord bad guy (like Zorn)

A self-absorbed NSA director (Earth's version of Zorn)

Six agents who are actually evil aliens sent by the evil warlord. (Bad guy grunts)

Six crew members (the lead female character's crew)

and an Admiral of the lead female character's flagship spacecraft. (He's like the "Robert the Bruce" character in Braveheart).

Yeah, it's a lot of characters to absorb. However it's not as many as in "The Fifth Element" or "The Matrix" or even the "Star Trek" Movies. It probably matches up the closest in character profiles as "Galaxy Quest".

There are only six characters that rule the script. The rest provide these six characters with interaction. They each have their roll in the script, but aren't nearly as important.

BTW: I eliminated MANY other characters along the way. Two characters were merged into one.

-Birdman

 

[Birdman]

Another comment:

My reviewer was confused on whether my script was "Hard Sci-Fi" or "Kid's Sci-fi".

My lead female character beats the shit out of the bad guy aliens ....with nunchucks. Would YOU ever consider a movie like that "Hard Sci-Fi?"

-Birdman

 

[rayw]

B'man, you've received a serious diagnosis by a scriptcare provider you don't have faith in - get a second industry opinion.

Spend the money, wait, and look for similarities between unrelated parties.
Anything that looks the same probably is legit.

GL & BW.

 

[Inarius]

What is script review companies? Who read scripts there? Are they screenwriters, or at least novel writers? How much professional they are? As far as I've learned, random people's opinions don't mean much. Friends' opinions don't mean much, too, unless you have a friend who is a screenwriter, or at least a novel writer.

I think I have mentioned already it in a different topic, that I've got a science geek friend, who is more interested in the scientific possibilities of a Sci-Fi, rather than in its actual story.

Birdman, every movie, no matter Sci-Fi or not, has a very small amount of characters. I did the research and found 7 "presets":
1) Protagonist
2) Antagonist
3) Love object
4) Sidekick to speak to, or get inspiration and help (like Sam in Lord of the Rings)
6) Mentor (to give some lessons for the protagonists, like Yoda in Star Wars, or Mortheus in Matrix)
7) Traitor/Spy (sometimes a "secondary antagonist")

It doesn't mean it has to be this exact way. Some of them can be missing, some can be more than one. But my point is, that all other characters besides those mentioned above - are minor. They are "beats",who were made to:
1) Provide information for the protagonist
2) Be obstacles for the protagonist (serve as antagonist's "soldiers")
3) Serve as targets for the protagonist to demonstrate his abilities
4) Background "props" for the main characters (family, job, friends)

 

[FantasySciFi]

...Still, if there is the level of confusion within my script to have the reviewer come down so hard on it, then I've probably not made my purpose clear enough within the body of my script.

My script IS confusing at times. A person would have to read each page carefully because things that happen early on end up completely the opposite near the end. Someone not paying attention could easily get lost ...and I think my reviewer did just that. For what it's worth, I HATE movies with plots so complex you are forced to just wait to see the outcome to find out what was happening.

...So the key is getting one's script matched up with the people who gravitate towards that kind of script. I have no idea how to do that and I'm not planning on becoming a writer, so I don't know what else to do at this point. I enjoyed writing my script and it has been a wonderful "creative" process for the past five months. ...I might just let it go at that and move on.

-Birdman

Some script consultants can be rough, especially if they come from the production side. Their comments tend to be more about what's wrong than how to fix it. There is nothing to stop you from getting a second opinion. Even in this harsh case, there may be some useful advice the consultant provided as Nick suggested. Certainly don't pitch the script and give up because of one review.

However, by your own admission, the script is confusing. If it confuses a reader, it will definitely confuse the audience and the producer. To make a sellable script, you want it to be as understandable as possible. That doesn't mean predictable, just the audience isn't left scratching their heads about what just happened. You have to trust me on this, producers get confused really easily. They like things that can be laid out in one or two sentences. If the reader doesn't get it, it will be hard to find a producer who will.

EVERY screenwriter faces the reality that they will need to re-write part(s) of their script. One of my scripts underwent 15+ revisions before reaching "acceptable". If you take the hardline your script is perfect and just needs the 'right people', you're giving yourself an out to avoid feeling like a failure. You're NOT a failure, you're just a new writer. You've done the hard part, giving birth to the script. Now it's time to do the serious work, making it a solid script. It's as much about effort as it is talent. Like on the sports field, you've been knocked down and winded. Get up, brush yourself off, take stock of the situation and get back in there. You get better by doing.

You've been steeping over this for 5+ months. Maybe you just need to take a break from it. When I've come back with fresh eyes, my problem script seems more manageable. The biggest danger is thinking a script is a 'golden ticket'. One is better off to think of it as a diamond in the rough, that will need a sharp eye and steady hand cutting carefully to reveal each facet. Most scripts are just common gems that go through the rock tumbler--lots of grinding and polishing--to reveal their beauty. Hang in there!

 

[Birdman]

B'man, you've received a serious diagnosis by a scriptcare provider you don't have faith in - get a second industry opinion.

Spend the money, wait, and look for similarities between unrelated parties.
Anything that looks the same probably is legit.

GL & BW.

...Thanks, Ray. I'm out of money. I have enough to enter a contest and that's about it. I'm going to make the changes I know were accurate and let it go at that.

BTW: One of the things I got dinged on was "Character Arc".

I have a non-violent, peace loving, conservatively dressed female alien that is a mere science officer cowering in corner in total fear. She then goes through a total transformation (physical and mental) over the length of the script to where she's a sexy-dressed, trash talking, ass kicking death machine beating the shit out of aliens with nunchucks and ultimately ends up the queen of the universe (fulfilling an ancient prophesy). ....If that doesn't get you a high score on "Character Arc", then I don't know what the fuck does.

Inarius,

Here's the Star Wars cast: CAST

Here's the Fifth Element cast: CAST

Here's the Galaxy Quest cast: CAST

According to FinalDraft, I have 53 total characters with only five characters commanding the script. 27 of the 53 have either no dialogue or one line of dialogue (i.e., a helicopter pilot, a guard, a "radio voice", etc.. 20 more characters have less than ten dialogue blocks.

These characters dominate the screenplay:

             Total Dialogue         Speaking Scenes        Total Scenes
DORN		 45	                10	          14
BAKER		 52	                14	          15
MERKKA		 91	                17	          20
WILLIAM		263	                53	          68
JOLA		298	                70	          116

I think I've kept it simple enough.

-Birdman

 

[Birdman]

FSF,

You're right, I know.

I'm disappointed that I received such low marks. There wasn't anything in my script that stood out. Not even the "story" which I know is completely unique. Had some elements of the review pointed out just a few good qualities I would feel much better about it ...but it is what it is.

I'll keep working on it, though. Thanks for the emotional support.

-Birdman

 

[Inarius]

Birdman, when you say characters... when the protagonist kills a bunch of soldiers, do you count every soldier as character? Otherwise I don't know how you get to 53.

In my Sci-Fi/Fantasy I barely have 20 characters. In the Rap drama I have nearly 20 as well.

 

[Birdman]

Birdman, when you say characters... when the protagonist kills a bunch of soldiers, do you count every soldier as character? Otherwise I don't know how you get to 53.

In my Sci-Fi/Fantasy I barely have 20 characters. In the Rap drama I have nearly 20 as well.

If you have your main character buying a ticket from a scalper ...the scalper is a character. Someone in your movie will have to stand there and barter the cost or whatever. If a girl at a checkout counter says, "That's twenty four fifty total". ...then that's a character, too. If your main character bumps into someone at a rap concert and that person says, "Hey, man, watch it!" ...that's a character.

I'm betting you have more characters than you think. What program are you using for formatting your screenplay? FinalDraf can generate reports on scene counts, character counts and what not.

 

[Inarius]

Birdman, there's a big difference between real characters and "beats". So if the main characters bump into someone, that someone doesn't need to be designed as the major or the secondary characters do.

What program are you using for formatting your screenplay?

No programs. I use the the simple Word 2010, so yes, I have to do the tabs, the sluglines and other formatting tools myself.

 

[FantasySciFi]

I think you're debating apples and oranges regarding character count. From the production side, there are in essence only four types of characters--lead, supporting, day role, and extra. Depending on the project all, some or none are paid. All must be fed and/or provided some kind of accommodation while on set.

While the number of characters and types of characters is another thread, I can honestly say that having smaller set of main characters (2-5) is more appealing to producers as it keeps costs lower. That said, a compelling story may have a large number of incidental characters. As a script consultant, I often would have to combine characters or re-write a scene to eliminate one-line characters. Understand that these are often cost-control measures. The fewer people that need to appear in a scene, the faster and easier it is to shoot.

Again, I think that a good screenwriter benefits from actually spending time working on a set and helping on a shoot. It gives a much better sense of what makes a scene work. It's fine to be creative, but being able to focus that creativity in a practical way is a major edge. My experience is that most new screenwriters approach a script like a story without considering how this will be made into a movie. And not having that experience, they don't know any better.

You don't have to go or be in film school. There are lots of local opportunities to work as a grip or even PA locally. Get on the set and ask questions when appropriate. It's that experience that often gives film students an edge over others trying to break in as screenwriters. Honestly, having worked both in front and behind the camera has really helped me to improve my writing skills. In the same way, I think the best directors also have acting experience (Did you know that Spielberg played a role in "Blues Brothers"?).

 

[Birdman]

While the number of characters and types of characters is another thread, I can honestly say that having smaller set of main characters (2-5) is more appealing to producers as it keeps costs lower. That said, a compelling story may have a large number of incidental characters.

As per my previous stats I really only have five characters of noteworthy consequence, so I'm on par with what you suggest. The rest are there to bounce off these five characters and allow them to shine.

The biggest problem I'm having: I have six aliens land. They assume the bodies of six humans. Later they revert back to their alien bodies ...and the idea was to give just a few small clues that they weren't in the human bodies. I wanted to keep the audience guessing/wondering who was who.

In my case I have the six aliens "cloaked" in the woods. The six humans are a government investigative team (NSA Agents) that arrive shortly afterwards. Green laser lines criss cross the humans creating the suspicion something is happening. In the scene they just become "surprised", but seem to be perfectly okay. When they emerge from the bottom of a hill they are the aliens (who have killed them and assumed their likenesses).

The audience doesn't realize what has happened until later in the movie when my lead character uses a device that "mimics" another human. When she uses the device, the victim is suddenly criss crossed with green laser lines. This clues the audience to what happened to the six agents way back in the beginning.

My analyst thought the agents (aliens) didn't ask "true" government agent questions. ...But these aliens are just winging it! They're using what little they know to pass themselves off as agents and all of the questions they are asking are focused on one thing: Finding the female alien. The government doesn't know the alien is female or anything about her.

Now the hard part:

Keeping all of this straight to where I can keep a page-skimming analyst engaged and not add more pages to a 125 page script.

(Did you know that Spielberg played a role in "Blues Brothers"?).

...I didn't know that! I hope he did a better job than Tarantino does in his movies.

Thanks for the feedback,
-Birdman

 

[Inarius]

Again, I think that a good screenwriter benefits from actually spending time working on a set and helping on a shoot.

Are you talking about helping shooting a film that is to be made from my sold script? Well, I'LL BE GLAD TO!!! Yes, I'll be glad to be given the opportunity to help my story become a movie! I'll be glad to have influence on every filming process, whether it's production or post-production. Because usually the screenwriter sells the script and nobody needs him for the filming. And the screenwriter has got only to hope they make it good (if he cares)

 

[rayw]

Are you talking about helping shooting a film that is to be made from my sold script?

No. FSF is talking about being an active participant on set of the sets of others so that you can watch what they're doing and how it turns out - then apply that knowledge to your own screenplay constructs.

Wheras before you might hav been inclined to write more pie-in-the-sky constructs, hopefully afterwards you'd be able to say "Nah, the director/producer isn't going to fund that. How about I do this, instead."


You can spend money faster in a screenplay than they are willing to spend it on set and in post.