• ✅ Technical and creative solutions for your film.
    ✅ Screenplay formatting help, plot and story guidance.
    ✅ A respectful community of professionals and newbies.
    ✅ Network with composers, editors, cast, crew, and more!
    🎬 IndieTalk - Filmmaking and Screenwriting help site and community.
    By filmmakers, for filmmakers since 2003
  • Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

First draft. I'm a virgin.

PassionPulp

PassionPulp

yeah yeah yeah
I know what you'll say.
Reads like a book. No structure. Dialogue could be lots better.
Not caring about that now.
I just want to know your opinion on the play of the tale. How you visualize it. What you think needs touching on.
This is the product of me, laying at home, listening to chillwave, watching Skins U.K.
enjoy.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1K5O57glkySrCzX-S6RcWWDZXwf8-dSfqkQpBTeOuhv8/edit

ah yeah. And some music I've set in my head on the use of the film. Some gave me a Native American feel, any else I felt appropriate. As an aspiring indie filmmaker, I'm a strong follower of the indie revolution, so I choose to support independent artists. It's my pleasure to spread the indie culture where it belongs.

Caribou-Odessa
Roads and Boats-Anything Can Happen
Violetness-The Coal
Water Borders-Bad Ethos
Hard Mix-Memories
Balam Acab-Motion

Listen as you read. It may bring you to an entirely different feeling.
 
Last edited:
Sort by date Sort by votes
ouch. It's no book, trust me.
I'm not so sure what it's about myself.
Two antithetical tales cross paths in a time confused New Mexico desert.
That's the best I'd be willing to do.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
I couldn't read it.

Way too wordy for me to not get distracted. Read some scripts and see if it'll help you w/ the formatting. I'm sure there are some online for UK Skins.

Final Draft helps me a lot, granted I'm the only one who is allowed to read my screenplays :)

I'm fairly green myself, just thought I'd give you my 2 cents.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
I would say get yourself some screenwriting software - . Moviemagic, Final Cut even something cheaper. you can download http://celtx.com/ for free. Obviously, good formatting doesn't make a good story, but poorly formatted great stroy will NOT be read by anyone really. My first script in College several years ago had terrible formatting. Now I use Movie Magic and would never write without it. Formatting is the last thing you need to worry about. Also read scripts of others -> http://www.imsdb.com/
You're only making things a loit harder on yourself if you do not follow format.
Just my humble thoughts. Best of luck.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
"A small Native American boy ornaments the red landscape. It’s a gross desert. Hard and coarse. Its manner is approachable, as a deep war corresponds. The harsh desert sun prides in its notoriety."
Click to expand...

Yep, definitely too book-like. I made this very same mistake on my first solo attempt at a screenplay. Lines like "as a deep war corresponds" doesn't really mean anything in a script. Describe what is seen by the viewer. Just... picture it in your head and then write that down.

I also strongly recommend screenwriting software. The quality of my scripts shot up dramatically the moment I didn't have to worry about formatting and could just focus on the story.

I'm attaching a short script I wrote that you could maybe use as a sort of template. Use plenty of whitespace, and use the bare minimum number of words to get your scene descriptions and actions across. Brevity is crucial.

You also might want to consider breaking up your longer stretches of dialog with minor actions that the characters are doing. It will help the flow greatly. Giant blocks of dialog are just as bad as giant blocks of description. :)
 

Attachments

Upvote 0 Downvote
I appreciate all the criticism of my formatting. But as I explained in my early description, I don't care about that right now.
I'm in my junior year of high school, so I am aware I will have nothing made anytime soon. Anyway, I'm my own filmmaker, so I'm not looking for a production.
I'd appreciate if you'd actually read it, as I'd enjoy opinions on the story. I don't see the point in stressing on "format". That's boring. If that's all what filmmaking is, I'd be quickly discouraged.
Just enjoy the read.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
The problem is that because of the formatting it's incredibly difficult to read, which is why we aren't able to give you a good solid critique on the story.

Add whitespace, trim down your descriptions, and make the descriptions and actions concrete instead of nebulous. Then we'll be able to give you a critique of the actual story.
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0 Downvote
PassionPulp said:
bleh. i get it.
Click to expand...

It's frustrating, I know. But buckle down, throw your text into Celtx, and slap it into shape. It'll be worth the effort.

My first stab at screenwriting was several orders of magnitude worse than what you posted here. The first 47 pages wound up being only about 24 pages after several re-writes and tweakings and it is so much better for it. It went from being boring-awful to something that's pretty good.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
PassionPulp-

I read through the first page, scanned the rest....

- Reads almost like an art film, some of your visuals aren't bad.
- I don't care a whit about the music right now, will let it guide you when you direct and edit (rest assured my interpretation of the music will be different than yours).
- Like others have said, script formatting will make it more what we (filmmakers) read/write every day (look at the free Celtx). Escher said it well.
- Your descriptions are confusing at times, and often too long. One shot could cover many of your description sentences. (There are also redundancies, don't take us back where we've already been.)
- Film is visual emotion, but as this appears to be a short film script in the making, try to get us (your audience) into the story sooner.
- Remember that if you decide to film this, you'll have to tell your DP, Art Director, actors *something.* And yes, that usually comes from a formatted script.
- All things considered, there's no reason not to continue with your current format and revise, revise, and revise it into a good short story or treatment. Just remember that if you do decide to film it?... Yup, hello screenplay.

Hope you realize we're here to help, not interrupt your creative process. Best of luck, dude-

kj
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top