Thanks SciFi. This was an experiment in writing an action heavy sequence. That information may have been helpful.
You did a good job with the action piece.
I may be misreading your comment, but I mention Gabrielle stumbling out of the alley:
Her fingers meet the grip of the .38. She lets her wits return before standing and stumbling out of the alley.
Perhaps more clarity was needed. Apparently, a good deal more.
The issue is not so much her as him. Let me clarify by quoting from your script:
EXT. CITY SQUARE - CONTINUOUS
Travis gets a firm stance and --
A beam of pure, glowing energy blasts from the arm and rips
into the alley. Travis takes the recoil with great pains.
The colossal explosion obliterates a number of pedestrians,
flinging others into the air.
Relief an pain cross Travis’ face. He tries to wobble away,
but he collapses...
EXT. ALLEYWAY - CONTINUOUS
Light from the alley fires bring an orange glow to the
darkness. Sirens blare in the distance.
Travis lies in a heap where he shot from, his breathing
shallow.
Did she walk into the City Square (green) or did he somehow get up and walk towards the alleyway (red). Be careful with the
continuous designation.
I felt the bit with him calling her Gabby insinuated something similar.
After she hits Travis I should have had her say "I need you breathing not conscious" or something in that line. Still ambiguous but helpful.
Underworld has some excellent sequences where you see that familiarity displayed in action. She could smile at him, touch his face lovingly, then knock him unconscious with the butt of her gun. "Sorry, lover, I need you breathing, not conscious." Excellent, I love it. Now you are giving me a sense of her, their relationship, and why she didn't just shoot him. Even though it's an action sequence, don't impoverish the dialogue or characterization.
The way she cut off her arm was meant to be a hint of sorts that she's not 100% natural. I think making the line "Alright. Only two more." and showing her eyes in the mirror function in robotic way would've made it clear.
Again, I wanted ambiguity, but overdid it. Good to know.
In the Terminator series, we have a clear idea of the mission of the terminator(s). The suspense and action arises from the obstacles. In your sequence, does that mean he's also not 100% natural?
"She stares at the soon to be corpse ... " (p.3). I think it would be cool to have her drive away at the end then flash back and have him standing in the shadows, one-armed and angry as hell.
It's an awesome action sequence. Just lose some of the ambiguity. Trust me, it won't hurt your plot at all. It will draw in your audience. Finding out she's not human, that throws a wrench in the works. Having him pop up as not human, I think, would raise the stakes. Now there's conflict on the subjective level (their relationship) and the objective level (her mission).
Good work.