Hi, Time2focus
Thanks for the read! I finished it in one sitting, which surprised me. I didn’t think I’d like it since the subject matter is far outside my normal comfort zone as either a writer or reader. But the story held me; it’s honest, full of heart, and told well. The characters are well-formed and interesting and their arcs are clearly defined; the catalyst, act breaks, mid-point, and other story beats hit about where they should in the script. The dialogue seems spot-on and there’s plenty of sub-text. Unfortunately, being an old-fart, I’m not much of a judge of contemporary teen dialect, but it rang true. Your minor character names are fun: Dreary Eyes, Frail Boy, High Bun, Chipper Midwife. I like your scene transitions. There’s a bit of overlay in places that works well.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got from a fellow writer was "As you're writing, remember, you're on a plane (metaphorically). And there's snakes. Lots and lots of snakes." You've got plenty of snakes throughout.
Your formatting could use some work. Every sentence of your action descriptions doesn’t need a separate line. A pro reading it will think you’re cheating by padding it to fill up space (at 91 pages, you come in just over the industry standard minimum for a feature). There are other minor issues with formatting, but I’m not interested in being a formatting editor for people who post here, so you’ll have to figure them out on your own. Sorry.
I’m of two minds about the dream/fantasy sequence running throughout with the Queen and her drones. My first instinct was to suggest you cut it. My concern is that it’s too typical a fantasy for a young teen girl and, therefore, a bit cliché. On the other hand, it’s inserted judiciously at appropriate times and it does illuminate her inner world. I guess I’d suggest you keep it, but consider some alternatives. What alternatives, you ask? Hell if I know; a fantasy that's stranger, fresher, more original.
I think there’d be a fair market for it and production costs would be minimal. Clean up the formatting, reconsider the fantasy sequence, and get it the hell out there.
Cheers!
-Charles