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logline Comedy pilot loglines

A

AmateurD

Hello all,

Once again I'm here to ask for your help. Can I have some input on these, please? Do you find any interesting or are they flawed?

"After a experimental drug gone wrong and gave him the opposite effect, a gigolo, living the good times, needs to change his life after losing his sex drive."

"It follows the life of Matthew, from unknown to Youtube star."

"Living repressed by his foster mother, 30's something Adam will finally start to live with the help of his favorite childhood doll, who gains life after being dumped in the trash by Adam's foster mother...and killed her."

Thank you all!
 
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I like this one. Change a few words to make it flow better:
“When an experimental drug goes wrong and gives him the opposite effect,
a gigolo, living the good times, needs to change his life after losing his sex
drive.” Maybe even drop “and gives him the opposite effect”

The second one is far to generic. Does your a-star-is-born story have anything
unique to it? There is nothing wrong with a rising star story – you just need
to sell it better.

Third one sounds like a cross between “Ted” and “Lars and the Real Girl”.
I'm confused by “...and killed her.” Does the doll kill the foster mother?
 
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AmateurD said:
Well I mean, they're not "30 rock", "Seinfeld" etc kind of comedy. It's more like dramedies.
Click to expand...

A lot of comedies start of with something sad.
One of my favorite films of all time "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" begins with a breakup.

Imagine this is my logline "A man has a surprise for his girlfriend, but instead it has the opposite effect and she breaks up with him."
I wrote it to sound similar to yours. But here is the thing, that is only the first 10 minutes of forgetting sarah marshall and its not even the plot!!

It's the setup and the plot that comes afterward. more like "A man goes to hawaii to recover from his breakup and coincidentally stays at the same hotel as his famous ex-girlfriend and her new rockstar boyfriend!"

So your logline .. it has the opposite effect and he lost his sex drive. okay that is your setup isn't it?
What is the story that happens after ??? How does he live his new life without a sex drive and why is it funny. does he go to hawaii ?? no? okay where does he go and what is the conflict
 
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directorik said:
I like this one. Change a few words to make it flow better:
“When an experimental drug goes wrong and gives him the opposite effect,
a gigolo, living the good times, needs to change his life after losing his sex
drive.” Maybe even drop “and gives him the opposite effect”

The second one is far to generic. Does your a-star-is-born story have anything
unique to it? There is nothing wrong with a rising star story – you just need
to sell it better.

Third one sounds like a cross between “Ted” and “Lars and the Real Girl”.
I'm confused by “...and killed her.” Does the doll kill the foster mother?
Click to expand...

Thanks for your time!

My English is far from perfect, so thanks for the correction. I think it sounds better like that. I also agree about the "opposite effect".

I think I'll leave the Youtuber story aside for now. Like you said, it's far too generic. But the story would basically be about a broke guy who had that dream. I'll focus on other stories instead.

Yes, the idea would be the doll to kill the foster mother, but not sure about that yet. Don't know yet if he would come to life only with his cognitive skills or both motor and cognitive.



sfoster said:
A lot of comedies start of with something sad.
One of my favorite films of all time "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" begins with a breakup.

Imagine this is my logline "A man has a surprise for his girlfriend, but instead it has the opposite effect and she breaks up with him."
I wrote it to sound similar to yours. But here is the thing, that is only the first 10 minutes of forgetting sarah marshall and its not even the plot!!

It's the setup and the plot that comes afterward. more like "A man goes to hawaii to recover from his breakup and coincidentally stays at the same hotel as his famous ex-girlfriend and her new rockstar boyfriend!"

So your logline .. it has the opposite effect and he lost his sex drive. okay that is your setup isn't it?
What is the story that happens after ??? How does he live his new life without a sex drive and why is it funny. does he go to hawaii ?? no? okay where does he go and what is the conflict
Click to expand...

Thanks!

I understand what you mean. The story and the funny stuff would be the fact that he has to completely change his whole good life. He has to find a modest job and the problem is that he can barely do any other stuff than being a gigolo. That what he is good at and he has the fame for it. So the finding for another job, new relationships, etc. So all those change will also make him learn some life values that he didn't even care before.

Does that make sense to you?
 
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AmateurD said:
Thanks!

I understand what you mean. The story and the funny stuff would be the fact that he has to completely change his whole good life. He has to find a modest job and the problem is that he can barely do any other stuff than being a gigolo. That what he is good at and he has the fame for it. So the finding for another job, new relationships, etc. So all those change will also make him learn some life values that he didn't even care before.

Does that make sense to you?
Click to expand...

It sounds to me like he had something that made him really special.
And he lost that. And now everyone that was interested in him doesnt give a shit about him anymore.
He feels worthless and he hates his life and wishes that people cared about him but he knows human affection is conditional and without his dick nobody gives a fuck if he is dead or alive.

That's a story but I dont think it's a comedy.
 
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sfoster said:
It sounds to me like he had something that made him really special.
And he lost that. And now everyone that was interested in him doesnt give a shit about him anymore.
He feels worthless and he hates his life and wishes that people cared about him but he knows human affection is conditional and without his dick nobody gives a fuck if he is dead or alive.

That's a story but I dont think it's a comedy.
Click to expand...
Dude... I just want you to know... I APPRECIATE you making me laugh every so often. LOL.
 
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sfoster said:
It sounds to me like he had something that made him really special.
And he lost that. And now everyone that was interested in him doesnt give a shit about him anymore.
He feels worthless and he hates his life and wishes that people cared about him but he knows human affection is conditional and without his dick nobody gives a fuck if he is dead or alive.

That's a story but I dont think it's a comedy.
Click to expand...

I don't know if you were joking, but I think it's something like what you've said yes. Do you think it could run as a series?
Thanks

indietalk said:
Blend 1 with 2 and change YouTube to OnlyFans? :)
Click to expand...

Thanks.
I actually thought about that, that he would turn to Youtube lol. I had no idea what OnlyFans was but I did a quick search and it makes sense because it's a paid service (something like Patreon). He could even get a shitty job and join that stuff.
 
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He said it was more dramedy. You've never seen comedies like this? What about Planes, Trains and Automobiles and John Candy's character?
 
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indietalk said:
He said it was more dramedy. You've never seen comedies like this? What about Planes, Trains and Automobiles and John Candy's character?
Click to expand...

Well I could easily tell you some funny scenes that happen in that movie. And it’s easy to see comedy coming from an “odd couple” forced to road trip together. That sort of comedy Is a setup that is used even Recently with Robert downy jr and Zach galifinakis in Due Date
 
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Yes, with a straight up tragic logline it's hard to imagine. Perhaps the issue lies in the logline. "Down and out" comedies are pretty prevalent. I'm not sure he's even written it yet.
 
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AmateurD said:
I actually thought about that, that he would turn to Youtube lol. I had no idea what OnlyFans was but I did a quick search and it makes sense because it's a paid service (something like Patreon). He could even get a shitty job and join that stuff.
Click to expand...
The issue is trademarks. You'd have to create your own brand, like YouView or whatever. And this always takes me out of a movie. The impostor. If you can't use the real thing and it's a huge part of the movie, I say drop that idea, or, make up a site. Maybe he finds something on the dark web. That's actually not a bad idea right there.
 
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indietalk said:
The issue is trademarks. You'd have to create your own brand, like YouView or whatever. And this always takes me out of a movie. The impostor. If you can't use the real thing and it's a huge part of the movie, I say drop that idea, or, make up a site. Maybe he finds something on the dark web. That's actually not a bad idea right there.
Click to expand...

You can show the YouTube app search screen and comment section without any “YouTube” text or images being on the screen. Just do close ups etc and never show the logo. People know how the website works you don’t need a wide shot of it
 
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